Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

999 replies

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:08

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

OP posts:
TheHodgeoftheHedge · 04/04/2017 12:00

everydayfeminism.com/2015/08/things-wish-known-gaslighting/

53rdAndBird · 04/04/2017 12:05

Then he explained away and I felt like I'd read into it too much.

And this is why you covered for him to your family. Because you've been covering for him to yourself in your own head for so long, it's just become second nature. And now he's recruiting you back into helping him do it - he treats you badly, you are harmed in some way, he tells you he didn't do anything wrong, you tell yourself that maybe it wasn't so bad after all.

Was your daughter in the car during that? How can you ever be sure that she won't be the next time? It would be so scary and upsetting for a child to witness that, even if both the adults are saying it's not so bad.

Quartz2208 · 04/04/2017 12:07

because it cant with him, what you want you cant get with him. HE has not changed, he has a veneer which you yourself know has slipped a couple of times.

If you go back it will be back to the same and thats not what you want. You want a nice normal lifestyle that he cant offer you. No amount of wanting or hoping can change that, only he can and I dont think he wants to or particularly thinks he needs to

TheClacksAreDown · 04/04/2017 12:08

This guy has done an utter number on you. He is abusive, he gaslights, he has serious substance abuse problems. He has no interest in changing - if he had he would have been hot footing it to therapy and he has no intention of ever going.

And I get the feeling that your being relaxed about SS involvement is because you'd like to outsource decisions to a 3rd party. But don't you see there are no good outcomes?

  • there is a referral but they do nothing and don't get in touch given other workload etc. Which he will point to and you'll lap up that there is no problem. Despite being a crap situation for you and dd.

-they refer and you end up having to split. So you outsource your decision making to SS and will have the threat of further SS involvement hanging over you

  • they refer and it doesn't hit a bar that means you have to split to avoid dd being taken into care. That is a pretty bloody low bar to meet. It so then he will again claim no issues Even though it would still be crap for you and crap for dd.
CreamCrackerundertheSettee · 04/04/2017 12:11

Reading this thread is like watching a car crash in slow motion and being powerless to intervene.

OP Please listen to what posters are saying. Your Dh isn't your one true love, that's just romatic guff, he is an abuser and a drug addict.

Was your Dd in the car when he shouted at you?

TheClacksAreDown · 04/04/2017 12:13

You can have a really nice normality. You just can't have it with him.

Retreat on him moving back
Tell your family the truth
Keep going to therapy and tell the truth
Build yourself up
Start making plans for you and dd to have a great normality without him

Wolfiefan · 04/04/2017 12:13

You are not going to get nice and normal with this man. You are going to get abuse

LadyCassandra · 04/04/2017 12:15

Its normal to be a single parent now. It's a normal life. It was normal 28 years ago when my parents decided they were causing harm to me and my sister with their arguments and they should separate. It's ok to be on your own. It's ok for your daughter to see her father every weekend or every other weekend. It's normal.
It's not normal to attack your own hands. It's not normal to be scared of your partner. It's not normal for a partner to strangle you. It's not normal to smoke 2 spliffs a night. It's not normal to hide details of your relationship in case they judge them.
You need to get this. You need to listen to what people say. You need to put your daughter first.

HandbagCrab · 04/04/2017 12:17

Did you self harm after the car incident?

You cannot have a nice normality with this man. You could have it on your own with your dd. In the far future when you've worked hard to identify abusive relationships and partners and found a good one you could have it with them. This is as good as it gets with him, this is him on his best behaviour, trying to win you back. This is you lying to your family and thinking of lying to your therapist about him and his behaviour when it's as good as it is going to get. Give yourself and your dd a chance.

HopefulHamster · 04/04/2017 12:24

You want the dream so badly you are willing to sacrifice everything for it.

Or are you letting him back so you have a taxi?

When you say you will drive soon, is that getting a license back or learning to drive?

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 04/04/2017 12:24

She wasn't in the car at the time.

OP posts:
HorridHenryrule · 04/04/2017 12:36

You deserve so much better it's a shame you don't see it. If a man swept you of your feet tomorrow your husband wouldn't even be a thought in your mind. I don't think you are being honest with yourself about why you want him back. You sound like you are struggling and you want him to take the pressure of you. You take him back there will be more pressure added to the situation. Your daughter is having music therapy lessons at school and I read above that you are self harming. When will you say enough is enough and start a new chapter with your dd.

MaisyPops · 04/04/2017 18:44

If you cannot report to social services because you feel youre not at that point then make an appointment with someone senior in yohr childs school. Preferably ask to meet with the most senior safeguarding post holder. (A school i used to work in actually employer a non teacher 40 houts a week to deal with the amouny if stuff we pick up. Schools will have heard it all before and wont judge)

Talk them througg everything. And i mean everything. Tell them yourr hiding it from your family becaude youre still clinging onto this normality fantasy but you KNOW its not right for your child.
Show them this thread if you need to.

The school will make all the calls to the right people for you because thats what we do.

FarmerGirlShepherdess · 04/04/2017 18:52

You will have your nice normality when you are divorced, living in your own lovely little place with DD with almost no contact with exDH.

Maybe he will pay child maintenance and have DD every other weekend and one night in the week, being a good dad building a good bond with her.

Maybe you will one day get together with a genuinely good man who is a bit silly when drunk, not violent and abusive.

Maybe he will get therapy, stop the drugs then meet someone, maybe another recovering addict, who will be a healthy match for him.

Those would make it an even nicer normality.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 04/04/2017 19:07

This thread is making me think. In some ways I wish I hadn't started it because it feels like it's chipping away at my vision of the near future which was going to be perfect. I've just had a stupid arguement with dh. I accused him of thinking he had his feet back under the table and that he's dragging his heels with all the stuff he promised when we first split. He has a way of explaining everything that makes you regret starting an arguement in the first place. He can justify everything in his favour and leaves me in a crying mess banging my head against the wall. He's asked me if I want him to pretend he's someone he's not. I said I just want him to work out why he's like this and he said he's happy and sorted out his problems. I can't win Sad. (Dd was asleep during the arguement BTW).

I've made it very cle

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 04/04/2017 19:08

Ive made it very clear I can break up with him again for good if I feel he's not being the dad and husband we need and deserve. He's on probation.

OP posts:
ATailofTwoKitties · 04/04/2017 19:09

He's not going to agree with you, and you don't have to convince him.

Just leave him to wallow.

You had a small, clear picture of a happy future without him in it, just you and DD. That's the realistic one. He messes with your head too much for any future with him to be 'perfect'.

TheTombstonesMove · 04/04/2017 19:10

Oh red. You don't have to "win" against him. Stop engaging in his nonsense. Then you don't need to win at his stupid mind games.

ATailofTwoKitties · 04/04/2017 19:11

I've made it very clear I can break up with him again

You can't, though, can you? You just end up with your head spinning.

Costacoffeeplease · 04/04/2017 19:12

So he's not even pretending he's going to change? Why are you waiting for something that's never going to happen

You've got one life, your daughter's got one life, don't fuck them up

53rdAndBird · 04/04/2017 19:14

Ive made it very clear I can break up with him again for good if I feel he's not being the dad and husband we need and deserve

He's not being the dad and husband you need and deserve right now.

ATailofTwoKitties · 04/04/2017 19:16

he said he's happy and sorted out his problems

So, he's happy not to be providing for his daughter? He's happy not to be going to therapy to work out why he tried to strangle you? He's happy that he drives you to bang your head on the wall and self-harm?

Why does any of that make him happy?

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 04/04/2017 19:18

Why do you keep threatening to break up with him if he isn't good enough? He's proven already he isn't good enough and by your own words he thinks "he is happy and has sorted his problems". He hasn't even said he's going to change or make an effort.
For the love of God please kick him out of your life so that you and DD can get on with living happily ever after without him.

Sprungout · 04/04/2017 19:20

I was at a school assembly recently and children were asked who their heroes were. One little girl put her hand up and said proudly that her Mum was because she had built a nice quiet life for them when others in her family didn't bother and did stupid things.
The back story is similar to yours and I wasn't the only Mum welling up at that.
Not saying the immediate future is going to be easy but your child will be proud of you.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 04/04/2017 19:29

I was so proud of myself when I split up with him. Same thing as usual, living in my head but all my fantasies were about me and dd starting new. In 8 years I'd not even brought up the remote possibility of breaking up so it's not like we have some dramatic relationship that's always on the brink.

He gone back to his place in a mood after explaining to me why I was wrong. He said he's wanting therapy but says he's not unhappy with his life. He seemed surprised and hurt when I said I was unhappy. I think I've done a good job convincing everyone including myself that I'm happy but the therapist has been calling me out on that and I've started questioning it.

OP posts: