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Original poster

My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

999 replies

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:08

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

OP posts:
TinfoilHattie · 04/04/2017 08:15

Fuck me, that poor wee girl.

Nothing much to add to the unanimous chorus from everyone else saying "don't do it" and "he hasn't changed". Completely astonished that women can making such awfully poor decisions when there's a child involved.

Dozer · 04/04/2017 08:40

When will you be able to drive?

Another poor decision to rent a place in middle of nowhere.

Dozer · 04/04/2017 08:42

Lying to your family, to your and DD's detriment, so that they won't tell you to LTB, which surely they would if they knew the truth.

Costacoffeeplease · 04/04/2017 08:48

Nothing - absolutely nothing has changed

The more you post, the worse it is

He's gaslighting you, failing to pay for the car, still smoking weed - and you're falling for it - why?

Wake the fuck up!

PersianCatLady · 04/04/2017 08:56

Dh having a couple of spliffs in the night isn't going to make him incaperble of driving dd to nursery school the next day
I am absolutely disgusted by the naivety of this comment, OP.

You don't seem to understand that if your DH is stopped by the police for ANY reason and they swipe test him, he is going to test positive for cannabis if he has smoked in the previous few days.

The police no longer have to prove that a person is unfit to drive through the drug. Basically it is in their system, they are charged with the offence.

I was speaking to a police officer the other day after reading your earlier posts and he said that this law is great for them because finally they are able to take a firm stance on drug driving.

The most irritating thing about stoners is that they always say how great their driving is and how smoking cannabis doesn't affect their skills and really it is just laughable.

I don't think that there is anything this man can do that you won't justify for him and there is nothing that anyone can say that will make you wake up to him.

PersianCatLady · 04/04/2017 10:09

www.bournemouthecho.co.uk/news/15201309.Three_drug_drivers_disqualified_as_judge_warns_____Swipe_tests_will_always_catch_you_out_/

Here is a story from today's Bournemouth Echo in which three people have been found guilty of drug driving even though they thought they weren't impaired but the drug swipe tested positive.

This new drug driving law isn't a scare tactic, people are getting caught each and every day even though "they didn't feel high at the time" or "had only smoked a joint the day before".

HandbagCrab · 04/04/2017 11:08

Do you mean he gaslighted you about shouting at you whilst in a car you're paying for for him to a point where you self harmed? Was your dd in the car at the time? And you're not telling anyone the truth to protect his reputation?

Why? what's in this for you, really? Honestly, there is no good coming out of any of this, it's just horrible shit you're hiding from everyone including yourself. This relationship will never be your fantasy.

EllieQ · 04/04/2017 11:25

by the end of it I'd gone 'full crazy' and torn up my hands

FFS, why are you in a relationship with someone who makes you feel that awful! And as for all the stuff about you paying for his car, and lying to your sister because he hadn't paid, doesn't that show you that he hasn't changed?

Your family want you to get back together because they don't know he's been violent to you (more than once). Or are you scared that they'll minimise it like your in-laws did, and make you feel like you deserved it?

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 04/04/2017 11:36

No, no one in my family would make me feel like that. I have no idea really why I was covering for him when we split up.

The car shouting thing is difficult because I started it by panicking about leaving the door unlocked at my mums when I went out. I may have imagined he shouted at me because he said he was just trying to calm me down. Or it might be gaslighting. I know what that is.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 04/04/2017 11:36

I should be driving in about a month or two.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 04/04/2017 11:37

I didn't realise that about the drug law. It stays in your system for so long that loads of people must get tested positive.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 04/04/2017 11:38

Can I ask what do you actually want and I mean realistically, not some perfect happy family mirage that is never going to exist, what do you want.

Not what he wants what do you want. You seem almost obliged to do this

ShowMeWhatYouGot · 04/04/2017 11:41

Get out now, seriously, your not safe.

He's been back in your life a few weeks and your already self harming! See a pattern?

What's stopping him going out and getting off his face, he's obviously angry & looking for an excuse?

What if he does the same and hurts you again, only this time your DD walks in and he hurts her too :(

You claim he would NEVER hurt his DD, but apparently he does not even remember hurting you, so what's going to stop him?

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 04/04/2017 11:42

You're lying to cover up for his behaviour because you can't even see the truth for what it is Sad

I really think you'd be amazed how many of your troubles and anxieties would disappear if you weren't involved with this man.

The longer you're with him the less chance you have of a fulfilling and happy relationship in the future.

53rdAndBird · 04/04/2017 11:44

The car shouting thing is difficult because I started it by panicking

No it isn't difficult. No you didn't start it. No, panicking is not an excuse to shout at someone to the point where they actually hurt themselves. He is treating you very badly.

PersianCatLady · 04/04/2017 11:46

I didn't realise that about the drug law. It stays in your system for so long that loads of people must get tested positive
Exactly, but I posted this a few days ago and you said you understood it and then you went back to saying that a few joints in the evening won't matter.

I hate to sound like I am getting at you but this is really important.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 04/04/2017 11:47

I think it upset me so much because up till that point he'd been so gentle and such a star since we'd split up and it was a kind of 'oh fuck' moment in my head. Then he explained away and I felt like I'd read into it too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 04/04/2017 11:48

To 53rd ^^

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 04/04/2017 11:50

What I really want is just really nice normality. I don't see why that has to be a fantasy.

OP posts:
Sprungout · 04/04/2017 11:52

Nice and normal does not include someone who gaslights you and smokes weed every day.

EllieQ · 04/04/2017 11:54

So he'd been nice until you got stressed out about something, then he went back to his usual self.

Gallavich · 04/04/2017 11:57

He hasn't changed. Please stop kidding yourself.
People don't change just like that without serious work on themselves, that takes time and professional help or a hell of a lot of self reflection. That's how humans work. A few weeks of living apart doesn't make change happen.

Gallavich · 04/04/2017 11:57

It's a fantasy because at the moment he is simply not capable.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 04/04/2017 11:58

Nice normality can exist. But it cannot exist with an abusive thief and drug addict.

HorridHenryrule · 04/04/2017 11:59

Some men can't live on their own he's only being nice to get back in. Thank god you told your therapist everything at least someone will look out for your dd. He should not be smoking drugs around his dd what example is he setting.

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