My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

I can't believe you are spouting this 'one love' bollocks. Your 3 year old DD has had to have anger management therapy, ffs.

I have 5 DCs of my own and I have taught infant children for nearly 30 years. I can count on the fingers of ONE HAND how many have had anger management.

You are absolutely deluded.

When I say I'm a people pleaser I don't mean it in any kind of good way. It's not a good thing. I'm well aware I've put dd and myself second to avoid conflict before. I want to change this so badly.

Its interesting that you insist you're a people pleaser. By an astonishing coincidence, pleasing everyone but yourself involves doing exactly what you want and tremendous risk to the one person you should be trying to protect. Bit of luck there.

If I believed that i would do anything to stop them getting involved.

But you'd still move in, just hide more? Appalling.

The idea of finding another person whilst we were split up didn't even come up.

For those two weeks? Hardly any great sacrifice. Also, no sane woman would give this chump the time of day.

I jumped the gun and made my move to early. I know that now. I've moved to the middle of nowhere and can't drive at the moment so I bought my BILs care off him for dh so he could get me and dd places. I need to sleep so often and can't make it up the stairs before getting worn out so I needed someone else about. He seems so changed it didn't seem rediculously early and we'd rekindled things in hospital anyway. I've relied on my family on stop and just want to feel like I can get on now. We weren't split up for two week. I left him on 7th Dec, we got friendly in hospital in late Feb, we haven't slept together yet and don't live together yet. I call it 4 months.

lobster it was exactly anger management. It was parent and infant relationship support therapy. The SALT woman obviously saw something was up and suggested the referral. She has music therapy in school because she seemed unsettled and aggressive.

The 'the one' love thing I got swept up in as that's just how he's always been. I'm less romantic like that. I'm not young.

dusty it might be what I want or not. I have no clue what I actually want. I'm selfish and I'm weak. You're not telling me anything new. I was really happy in my dream world about our new start and new life until the therapist said what she did. Then I came on here and the whole thing doesn't seem as perfect as I thought.

It wasnt exactly anger management.

jenny I do feel safe but I'm still on edge. The other day for example I
Panicked at something on a car journey and he shouted at me because I was going a bit mad to snap me out of it and him shouting just made me feel really on edge and then really upset and I burst out crying. I wouldn't have reacted like that before. Unless he ever gets really drunk I feel physically safe and feel dds 100% safe. That's why the stopping drinking is a bigger deal for me.

You don't feel safe. You don't.

What would happen if you shouted at him? How would he react?

Um, you bought him a car?

He had some money from the deposit. You had nothing. You need driving around because he made you so mentally ill you nearly died from the side effects. He was trying to show you he was different. And he let you buy him a car.

Also, BIL sold you a car. Not loaned temporarily. Not sold to your DH. Is this the addict BIL?

How did you pay for it? What did DH say about repaying you?

OP its clear you love this man and have some fantasy of a halpy little fanily but youre kidding yourself. His love is for drugs and control. You are just a way if enabling his lifestyle.

Please put you and your DC first.

I really don't believe for a second they'd think she'd have to be removed from my care though. If I believed that i would do anything to stop them getting involved. If they say dh shouldn't live with us then he goes.
Thats where it will go. And people like DH are manipulative. They'll admit to enoufg of a problem and claim they want help so they look like theyre honest and want to change. But the wont tell everything and theyll pressure you into only telling half the truth because "you DC dont you. If we get split up or lose DC itll all be your fault. I cant believe you dont care". Or theyll suggest teachnicaly living somewhere else buy everything else in the relationship stays the same e.g. access to money, staying over etc
Call social services and tell them everything, including that you are getting back together with somebody that manipukatuve and abusive.
If you cant/wont do that I think that is a massive red flag that hes got you right where he wants.
Please be strong OP.

It's my BILs car. He can't use it at the moment. I owe him but managed to pay some. Hopefully dh will pay the rest. My dad lent me some money to get me out of my overdraft. They think dh bought it but it was getting embarrising the MY sister was asking when he'd pay up so I started paying.

I did shout at him afterwards when I was trying to explain why him shouting at me upset me so much. He's completely denied even raising his voice and by the end of it I'd gone 'full crazy' and torn up my hands so I didn't seem like the best judgement of how things were. I was having a bad day. I can't argue my case very well.

I can't do that at the moment maisy maybe because it seems to pro active but I can and will let my therapist decide. Somehow being a bit more passive in the big decision makes it easier for me. I'm not going to lie to her and I'm not going to duck any SS involvement.

OP if your DD was in this situation as an adult what advice would you give her?
Would this be a good relationship that you would be encouraging her to pursue?

No. i honestly thought he'd changed though. I've been a bit caught up in my 'normality fantasy'.

Financial abuse not stopped.

Gaslighting started again.

You are in debt because DH didn't pay your sister.

He's not your soul mate, red, he sits lower, he's a cunt.

You lied to your own sister and father when they were offering you and DD such wonderful support. Why? Just why? Because they'd see him for the cunt that he is maybe? The cunt that you know he is too or you wouldn't have covered for him.

Your daughter deserves proactive. Stop telling yourself you can't. You can literally just fill in an online form and it's done. Be honest and then it's out of your hands. They can decide. Social services will look much more kindly on a self referral than one from a therapist.

I don't want my family to see him in a bad light. It was so painful explaining we'd split up because of all the reasons I went through. Everyone wanted us to work it out. I wanted to protect his reputation so why I didn't tell them everything.

Everyone wanted us to work it out.
Everyone wanted you to work out because he seems like a nice guy to everyone else. Why wouldnt someone want their relative to work out with someone who appears lovely? Would they wabt you to work out with someone who is abusive?
No.
I wanted to protect his reputation so why I didn't tell them everything.
He doesnt need protecting.
Your protecting his reputation to kid yourself that you can still move forward with this guy.
You didnt tell your family because you know theyd want you and your child out of the situation and would do everytging in their power to stop the abusive partner getting ahold of you.

Jeez.

You bought him a bloody car even though you had no money and you covered his payments, pretending to your family these were from him?!

And his own money is going towards his weed habit.

And you say he's a new man...? No love, you're deluded - he's still the same financially abusive violent druggy he was.

I suspect everyone wanted you to feel happy. You let them think he makes you feel happy. In reality he makes you desperately ill.

I don't want my family to see him in a bad light.
You don't want your family to see his true colours.

If they knew the truth, they'd stop encouraging you to get back with him but you keep it in the dark because you need them to feed your addiction to the fantasy.

If you find it too hard to say out loud, could you write down on paper all the things he has done and is still doing and hand it to your family?

He deserves to be seen in a bad light.
It's not up to you to fix him. He obviously doesn't give a shit about doing more than that bare minimum and that's largely because you've let him.

If you can't manage by yourself, give notice on your flat and stay with your mum until you can. Yes it will cost you some money but isn't not even comparable to what moving in with your husband will cost you

He sounds awful. He's reeling you back in.

He's down to 'just' a couple of light spliffs a night? He hasnt changed. He's still smoking daily and you can bet your bottom dollar that as soon as he moves back in and gets his feet under the table he will be back to his old level of smoking.

He gaslights you, he's financially abusive and he's a drug addict. Smoking daily IS an issue - he will be constantly affected by it which means he's not truly safe to be driving you or your child anywhere.

Your therapist is absolutely right - letting this man move back in is a huge risk for your child.

Unless he ever gets really drunk I feel physically safe and feel dds 100% safe

In addition to what everyone has said, violence when drunk is just an excuse to be violent.

He simply doesn't care for you and doesn't respect you. Or his own child.

I will guarantee you that as soon as he finds himself safely at home he will increase the abuse again.

At the moment it's only low key, it hasn't disappeared.

Have you ever considered that your mental health problems are connected to him?

And of course he was nice to you in hospital- he wants something. If he truly was repentant and dedicated to change there'd be zero 'light spliffs' (ffs cant he hear how shit that sounds??) and there'd be a job already. Not lined up for next month. It's all jam tomorrow isn't it? He's not changed one iota. You however are vulnerable and ill and he sees this.

He wants back in your life to mooch off you and control you. Do not let this fucker back in. Protect your daughter and work with your therapist.

Let me put us bluntly OP

I'm worried that your husband will kill you
I'm worried that he will snap again and if not kill you, cause you severe emotional and physical damage
I'm worried that you're already so broken yet you can't make decent judgements and you're so addicted to him and vulnerable that you'll put yourself in such s dangerous position
I worry that your daughter will be destroyed by this, that the damage you are doing and continue to do will destroy any chance she has for a happy and healthy life