Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

999 replies

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:08

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

OP posts:
HardcoreLadyType · 03/04/2017 06:15

I''m sure it'll come out when he gets therapy

He's got no intention of having therapy. If he had, it'd be booked already.

And by allowing him to move in with you, you are taking away the importance of that for him. You are signalling to him that what he did wasn't so very bad, after all. Aside from what you are doing to your DD and yourself, you are actually doing him no favours, either, in taking the opportunity to change away from him.

MrsDustyBusty · 03/04/2017 06:15

Hes so sorry for what he did and takes full responcibility.

So I'm sure he has therapy booked to deal with his anger and addiction like anyone who really took responsibility would. But he doesn't, does he? Because actually, the only thing he's sorry about is that his lifestyle was disrupted and he's had the faff of getting you back.

Still, at least it was only a couple of weeks and in a month it'll all be back to normal as he grinds you down in to accepting an extra spliff, a can, no money for this, what? give you my inheritance? he was my father...

I don't care what you think he's like. How can you look at a man who treated your precious little girl so badly? The merest animal, a creature incapable of reason, cares for its young. But your daughter has to live in the cold with anger and violence and someone who argues that she doesn't need a winter coat. Explain why you think this is good enough for your child without resorting to sounding like a deluded woman who thinks that her death row penpal is really sweet and misunderstood.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 03/04/2017 06:27

I'd hate her to go through the relationship struggles i had last year. I want better for her and want to raise her to be more assertive and less concerned about people pleasing than me. So far so good. She's very different to me and always good at persevering to get what she wants! She runs rings around me.

I'm angry and ashamed of some of dds start to life and know I am making it better now.

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 03/04/2017 06:39

You can make it even better by walking away from this man.

MrsDustyBusty · 03/04/2017 06:39

You're deluding yourself that you're a people pleaser. You're deeply selfish and use a veneer of people people pleasing to avoid responsibility.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 03/04/2017 06:54

When I say I'm a people pleaser I don't mean it in any kind of good way. It's not a good thing. I'm well aware I've put dd and myself second to avoid conflict before. I want to change this so badly.

OP posts:
Bananamanfan · 03/04/2017 06:57

I think perhaps it is time for SS intervention for your DD. Don't you? If it causes you to pull your finger out.

Dozer · 03/04/2017 07:03

Weed is his primary addiction (though he has several). Setting rules for him around its use won't work ("you can't control it"): and you don't even know whether he's complying at present (my money says he's not).

Of course he isn't going to therapy - he doesn't need to, because you will tolerate his addiction, and financial abuse.

You are in a relationship and moving back in with an addict still using his main drug of choice: that's his primary relationship.

You were very likely ill as a result of living with him.

DD might not follow in your footsteps: she could behave like her father.

Bananamanfan · 03/04/2017 07:16

Has dp convinced that you are "the one" or he is "the one" or some such shit like that? That idea of romantic love is a fiction purely to get women to put up with being abused.
Also I say SS might get you to pull your finger out & not your dp, because I'm pretty sure he wouldn't give a shit.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 03/04/2017 07:27

I think SS might be the way forward too. That's why I'm not going to lie about what's going on to my therapist. I really don't believe for a second they'd think she'd have to be removed from my care though. If I believed that i would do anything to stop them getting involved. If they say dh shouldn't live with us then he goes.

He does strongly believe in true love and being 'the one'. He is more in love than me. He's never cheated on me and I wouldn't cheat on him. The idea of finding another person whilst we were split up didn't even come up.

OP posts:
joannegrady90 · 03/04/2017 07:32

So what if he never cheated on you?

He's still a selfish prick.

Get rid and find someone worthy of you and your DD, life's too short to settle .

HardcoreLadyType · 03/04/2017 07:34

I agree with MrsDusty.

You are putting yourself first.

You don't care about your so-called-D H getting clean and sober. You don't care about a good home life for your So-called-D D.

You want to live with both of them, whether that's good for them, or not. And so that's what you've decided to do.

Utterly selfish.

Bananamanfan · 03/04/2017 07:37

That's good, Red. I would start to question whether he really does believe in 'true love' I think he believes in sticking with someone that lets him walk all over her. There is no such thing as 'true' love. I think it would really help you if you start to question this idea.
I was with an abusive exh (my ds1's dad) and he would regularly spout 'true love' 'the one' bollocks.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 03/04/2017 08:23

All your H has really learned is that you'll put up with financial, emotional and sexual abuse, but only some violence. Not a lot of violence. But some.

Also that stressing you to the point of life threatening physical illness is a great way to charge in again looking like the good guy and manipulate you and everyone else around you. I'm not at all surprised the nurses said 'he'd make a great nurse', this kind of public show-offing is catnip to him. And still cheap and easy compared to actually getting his life in order and stepping up. I don't think DD really exists to him as a person, honestly. She's just a tool he can use to manipulate you. If he really loved her and was 'so sorry' he'd have been with her while you were in hospital.

You know why he will never engage with therapy or addiction services? Because deep down he doesn't believe for a second he needs to change. He believes YOU need to change, by catering to his needs more and putting up with whatever he decides you should put up with.

I agree that SS is the way forward.

HandbagCrab · 03/04/2017 08:38

I don't get it. You think he needs therapy to understand the gravity of what he's done but you're happy for him to move in as clueless as he is before he's even picked up the phone to make an appointment? Why does he need someone else to tell him it's wrong to strangle your partner in front of your child? Has he got learning difficulties?

So there's your bar, he loves me because he doesn't cheat on me. Ffs. such a waste of life

Gallavich · 03/04/2017 08:39

If he was taking full responsibility he would be in therapy.
Him getting therapy AND going to a substance misuse program to give up cannabis is the MINIMUM he should do before you consider getting back together.
As a social worker that is what I would advise in this situation.

Doowappydoo · 03/04/2017 08:51

if they say DH shouldn't live with us then he goes

But you know that if SS were aware of what has happened they would say he shouldn't live with you - of course they would. You have social workers on this thread telling you this. And you, as a mum shouldn't be waiting to see if SS intervene. You should be protecting your daughter from risk. You've failed her already, you need to put her before you and him.

Dozer · 03/04/2017 09:07

That's insulting to people with learning difficulties handbagcrab!

nicenewdusters · 03/04/2017 09:14

I'm assuming you're very young OP? There's no such thing as "the one". People are widowed after many years of happy marriage to "the one" and then still sometimes find another "the one". There are 7 billion people in this world. What if your "one" was living across the other side of the world - would that mean you'd be single all your life?

And how unlucky would you be in life if he really was your "one". A loser who sits drinking and smoking in swing parks and tries to strangle you when he's off his face. You're definitely the one for him - inasmuch as you've fallen for all his bullshit, and invited him back into your home to start to ruin your life and, more importantly, that of your dd.

Before my mum retired she came into contact with a lot of vulnerable children, suffering various degrees of neglect and difficult home lives, often where the father was the problem. I used to wonder what the mindset of the mother was, how could she not put her dc first. This thread has been an insight into that mentality.

53rdAndBird · 03/04/2017 09:30

I think the idea he has emotionally abused dd is too much for him to think about but I'm sure it'll come out when he gets therapy.

Why is this a 'when'? He doesn't want to get therapy. He's already made it clear to you he's going to avoid getting therapy. And you know, you know, that if he doesn't want to get therapy then he'll get nothing out of it even on the slim chance he does go along to a session or two to placate you. (And a session or two is all it would be, before he writes off the therapist as "s/he doesn't understand me.")

Also, he still isn't putting her needs above his wants. You know he isn't. You're happy because he's doing more with her now and spending more time with her, and that's good as far as it goes - but look at all the things he's not doing.

Is he giving you any maintenance for her needs? No - he's spending his money on himself. And he's justifying it by saying, oh well, your family will look after her so she's fine.

Was he helping her at all when you were in hospital, when she must have felt so scared and worried? Was he spending any time with her to reassure her, or to just do the basic work of looking after her? No. And once again, justifying it by saying that your family were taking care of her so she'd be all right.

This is just what he was doing when you lived together before, when he was spending all his money on drugs, drink and scratchcards. Did she have a winter coat? No, but eh, why bother himself with that, you'd sort it out one way or the other. Was she thriving? Was she happy? No, and no, but she still didn't rank above his addiction in his mind.

He isn't putting her needs first. He isn't even acknowledging she has them.

That's a choice he has to make, or not. He's choosing not to. You can't change that for him, in the same way that four hundred Mumsnetters saying "please PLEASE don't move him in" won't make you do anything, and you'll make your own choices, you can't make him do anything just by really really hoping he does.

Nicotina · 03/04/2017 09:47

Come off the weed and you might think about letting him back in. Assuming that is the worst of it.

Nicotina · 03/04/2017 09:53

Posted too soon - he was violent? Keep him away from you and your dd. "only love of my life" is just deluded bollocks to con you.

Orangetoffee · 03/04/2017 10:16

His true love is weed, his 'one' is weed. He has told you that he will never give that up, it comes before you and far before DD.

And how can he be truly sorry about attacking you if he says he doesn't remember it at all. Maybe he should consider a career in acting.

I really hope you are telling the truth about continuing with the therapist and SS.

ShowMeWhatYouGot · 03/04/2017 11:13

It's easy to put an act on for 4 months, especially a man who's got everything to gain.

He's still using, if he was really as perfect as your making out, he wouldn't be, simple. He's already lost everything before because of his behaviour & that was not enough to change him.

He just wants you back to have you take care of him, give him money etc so he can get more drugs.....

Good luck

JennyHolzersGhost · 03/04/2017 20:24

OP - if someone had tried to strangle me, I wouldn't feel comfortable being asleep when they were around. It is the time anyone is most vulnerable. You have to trust someone to be asleep in their presence. I couldn't trust that person not to attack me again. That's what it comes down to.
I think you need to seriously think about that. You trusted him not to be violent towards you in the past and he hasn't lived up to that trust. Do you really feel safe around him?