My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

I can understand when you keep repeating 'things have changed since I left him'. They have, but the change is that you have become more vulnerable as you've been ill. He realised that, but you haven't yet.

You want people to think you're a good mum in spite of the fact that you are bringing a violent drug abuser back into her life for no reason other than you are weak and, I'm sorry, selfish.

Nothing anyone says on this thread is going to change your mind. You want him, to hell with the consequences on DD.

I didn't want to comment anymore but just want to clear a few things up.

How has he changed: he's given up alcohol. He's doing more for dd and getting more involved in her life. He's got the job. He's down from smoking endless strong skunk spliffs to 2 grass ones per night. He's temper is much better.

Hospital: with hindsight I wonder why he wasn't with dd more but she was with my family. He didn't just sit by my bed but was really helpful. I couldn't do anything for myself at one point and he was there. Even the nurses said he'd make a great nurse.

Drink/drug driving: I grown up with a Dad who takes it as a personal offence if I won't let him give me a lift somewhere when he's over the limit. I stopped accepting lifts like this when dd was born. So my BIL having a drug driving ban hasn't meant he's been banished from the family but I don't agree with driving under the influence of anything. It stupid. Dh having a couple of spliffs in the night isn't going to make him incaperble of driving dd to nursery school the next day.

I didn't take to my bed and OD on pain less on purpose. I was physically and mentally ill and not looking after myself properly. My family helped me look after dd but really that was out of my control. I'm getting better now and my mental health is really good.

I don't want to be a rescuer or the good one in the relationship. That's why I've always struggled with the whole co dependcy thing because it doesn't sound like me. I want someone that can support me equally as much as I support them. Not to lord it over someone because I'm 'good' because I'm not.

I'm not allowing a 'violent drug user' into dds life. I'm cautiously allowing her dad back in who I believe is not violent and is just smoking a small amount. If anything changes to show me otherwise he will be out in a heartbeat. If I thought it was a risk to her I wouldn't do it.

rougebiscuit you are right about never being able to be my authentic self. I have no idea who I am really and if something's uncomfortable I make it almost like a 3rd person thing which is why I told my therapist so much from day one. It didn't feel real. I could say all this stuff I felt or that had happend to me without feeling emotions because it was like I was talking about a character in a book (maybe I am mad!!)
Then she took all this stuff I'd admitted and put it into real life by saying she might involve SS and I felt panicked that it was going to impCt on the version of myself I (try to) present to the world.

I never really know what I want vs what I'm go along with to make people around me happy.

Please carry on with your therapist OP. I think it could be so beneficial to you and your daughter.

I wish you and your dd luck op. And I wish you could see that life could be so much better than it is for you. Drug and alcohol addiction don't have to be normal or tolerated, even if that's what you're used to.

cautiously allowing her dad back in who I believe is not violent and is just smoking a small amount

Those are your words and they are a lie.

There is no caution is resuming a relationship with a violent abuser after 4 months.

It's a terrible lie that you have told yourself and now you have to keep it going because you've made the leap.

I wish you well, I really do and hope that you come back on her is 6 months and are able to tell us all how wonderful things are and how we are all a nasty bunch of vipers.

He is violent. You've admitted that he pushed you a couple of times as well as strangling you (in front of your daughter). Four months ago!

The more you write about your family, the worse they sound. Your dad used to drive while drunk and your main concern was not offending him by turning lifts down?

Maybe your DH has changed, and will be a better father. Maybe we're all wrong. But for the love of god, give yourself and your DD more time to see if those changes will stick before moving back in with him. It's not normal to have to get your three-year-old counselling for her anger, you know that?

I've taught some pretty messed up kids, the ones that were most messed up were that way because of domestic violence. I once had a year 9 boy kick off massively - his name was Ryan. I sat and chatted to him at the end of the lesson and he told me about how he'd seen his dad hit his mum, grab her by the throat and then drag her along by her hair.

I sat in that conversation trying to stay calm, wondering how he could go through that. Its because he had a mum that kept a violent partner in her life - like you are doing. How much will you let DD see before you think enough is enough

You see great, I read that and I think 'shit, poor kid' but even though she's seen me be pushed a couple of times and slept through the 'big' attack even though she was in the room' I just can't relate to what you're saying. Maybe it's that 3rd person thing again. I know it's wrong shes had anger issues and all this therapy back in London. She doesn't need it anymore though. If things were just the same as before, no way I'd let us be in that situation. I love her so much. If I thought it would be how it was then no way would I be putting us back in that.

I really want to be able to come bAck to this thread in a few months and say how great it's going for us and that it's all good. That's what o believe.

even though she's seen me be pushed a couple of times and slept through the 'big' attack even though she was in the room

Was she asleep or pretending....

Awful. What lesson are you teaching her by going back to him?

No she was definitely asleep. She's only three. She can't pretend that.

I don't know. She might have been scared.

Either way the fact it happened and he did it when she was there..... I don't understand your logic.

My mum was beaten to shit by her fiancé and I was terrified. Absolutely terrified. He wasn't like it all the time and he used to win her around again, playing the long game.

You should settle for more. You deserve better.

Why are you going back to him?

Jesus Christ OP. I remember your previous threads. Since then - He tried to strangle you? You've been hospitalised with a serious medical condition? I'm genuinely shocked by the extent to which your situation has escalated into something very serious.
I know it's probably hard to see that when you're living it day to day. But please please take this extremely seriously.

And how does it make it better if he had tried to strangle you while your child was asleep?! this is shocking. Please think about this.

Your daughter is 3 and has had to have therapy. Do you honestly think that's normal and that putting her back into the environment that required that intervention is a good thing? Really?

Your therapist is right. Your daughter is at risk if you let him move back in. It's shocking you are going to do this. SS should be involved if that's what you decide to do. I hope they are.

He tried to strangle you in the same room she was sleeping in 4 months ago. She has had to have counselling because of her home life. She is 3. Think about that. Say it out loud, remember it when you next look at him.

It's only a few months since your daughter's anger issues were deemed serious enough to require therapy at only 3, yet you propose to introduce back into her life the man that caused her to get into that state. Seriously? And you wonder why the therapist is worried about her?

I haven't posted on this thread for a while, and quite frankly it's now making me feel quite sick.

What chance has this poor child got in life? She's surrounded by a family of drunks/ex-drunks, users/ex-user, and people minimising the effects of all this on her life. Her dad's a violent nasty waste of space, and her mother's living in semi-reality, dreaming of tea in the garden with a man who tried to strangle her.

SS get a lot of bad press, but they exist because of people like you OP. It's precisely because you don't "get it" that they have to safe guard your dd - from you. You are the risk to her because you can't keep her safe.

No she was definitely asleep. She's only three. She can't pretend that.
Maybe she was asleep but it is possible for young children to pretend, in fact when under high levels of stress and fear it could be one of the survival instincts that kicks in. Regardless, research shows that even children who are asleep elsewhere in the house are impacted by domestic abuse. Just because someone is sleeping doesn't mean their ears don't work or send signals to the brain.

I've worked with very young children who've witnessed domestic abuse including a 3 year old who (to my astonishment and that of her parents) accurately told me about an incident she witnessed when she was pre-verbal, at 9 months old.

Witnessing domestic abuse has a massive impact on children and it sounds like from the issues you describe for your daughter or already has for her too. Domestic abuse isn't just physical, she will have been awarr

What help and therapy has her dad had?
What has be said to you about the way he treated you? Does he take responsibility for it or did he think the blame is shared?
Does he believe he has emotionally abused his daughter (which he has, btw) and what does he feel and say about this?

Also, you're excusing and minimising the abuse. Eg by putting quotation marks round 'big' attack as if it wasn't a big thing really. If he put his hands to your throat that's really dangerous, and a horrific character to allow round your daughter.

It sounds to me like your convincing yourself its the best thing for your family when the reality is you are not able to put your daughter first and are risking her becoming really screwed up in pursuit of your own needs.

I remember your previous threads. He hasn't changed and you are delusional if you think otherwise. He is a manipulative abuser and quite frankly if you are unable to put your dds wellbeing before your own selfish needs, then perhaps she shouldn't be in your care.

Also, Did you know that incidents of strangulation by a domestic partner is a huge risk factor for future homicide or attempted homicide?

Prior non-fatal strangulation was associated with greater than six-fold odds (OR 6.70, 95% CI 3.91–11.49) of becoming an attempted homicide, and over seven-fold odds (OR 7.48, 95% CI 4.53–12.35) of becoming a completed homicide. These results show non-fatal strangulation as an important risk factor for homicide of women

Her therapy was really family therapy that was recommended after she had a quick course of speech therapy. It was never said why the SALT therapist organised it but I was exhausted at the time as dh had been ill. She asked me if it was something I'd be interested in and I said if she thought it would help dd then I'd go for it. It was as much for parents as it was for children and I had to fill inmpaperwork about how being a parent made me feel and if I was happy. No one really New how shit things were getting at home. He came to one session as well.

Hes so sorry for what he did and takes full responcibility. He knows he was massively out of order and doesn't try to push the blame onto me at all. I think the idea he has emotionally abused dd is too much for him to think about but I'm sure it'll come out when he gets therapy.

She's doing so well now. She used to be such a mummy's girl but now let's him do stuff for her more often.

She is better off with me and always will be. I look out for her needs and do so much with and for her. Before she started school, all her time was spent with me pretty much and she's a fun, lively and intelligent little person. She's not damaged and she's in the right place.

I'm sounding like a stuck record but I c any take all this criticism without defending myself.

You are having to defend yourself because over 500 posts have questioned your decision to take back a man who attacked you in front of your child, who has an addiction but is still using (I have an addict in my family, and I can guarantee that the only way to beat addiction is to abstain completely, not take/smoke/drink just two of anything) and who owes you money.
You can try and maintain a relationship with this man for both you and your daughter, but what you don't have to do is move him in. Say no. Take more time. Stop thinking irrationally.

I can say with certainty that your dd will be affected, if not damaged, by this. You are deluding yourself if you think you are protecting her from this. What would you be saying to her if she was in a relationship like yours?