My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

You don't even want him back really do you? You've been conditioned to put his wants and needs above your own and he wants to come back and be forgiven so...

Please open up to the therapist about all this. She can help.

There's nothing wrong with me wanting us to be a nice normal family. We are closer to that than ever before. dusty something big has hannpend to change him. Me and dd leaving him. That was his wake up. He's just got a bit more improvement to do. Honestly if I ever thought that dd or myself was in any kind of danger I wouldn't get back with him. I'm not deluded by love or anything like that.

I'm going to keep all my family really close in dds life and mine.

gall a lot of the time i really want him back but sometimes I think about the way I dreamt of a peaceful little place for just me and dd and I feel sad. But that's just another fantasy in my head. I dream too much! If it was like that then I'd be dreaming of a perfect little family set up with three of us like the one I mentioned before. Nothing's the same as you imagine it is it?

You're just deluded. It's unbelievable how little self awareness you possess.

This is not a game. You aren't playing mummies and daddies your child's future happiness and the way she views love and relationships is at stake here. Can you really not look beyond the wants of the adults involved and think what's going to be best for your daughter?

Reading your comments is like watching a slow motion car crash Red. I know how unkind that sounds but honestly, it's awful to read. You are kidding yourself and endangering your DC. You will lose your child if you keep this up. And deep down I think you know it too. You would rather risk your child than tell him you've changed your mind. If you're so scared of him, seek professional help to run away.

Of course there's nothing wrong with you wanting to be a nice, normal family. But you set out conditions for your husband to come back and he hasn't done any of them.

If you want to be a nice, normal family then you need to stick to your guns. Otherwise I guarantee you that you'll be back right where you were before xmas before long.

And this: "sometimes I think about the way I dreamt of a peaceful little place for just me and dd and I feel sad. But that's just another fantasy in my head" isn't a fantasy. You can make it real. Why don't you?

You don't get it nor will you. You need to wait and be strict about your boundaries but you still sound like a push over. Yes you left him but he has altered not changed....

You came on for validation. It's not forthcoming. So what do you want?

I want people to think I'm a good Mum and that I look after my dd. That's why I'm still on this thread. I don't like people thinking badly of me. Yes that's sad that I care what strangers think.

I'm dreading what responses some people will have to that so I'll leave this thread alone now. Thanks for the help people have given me.

Red how exactly has he changed? As far as I can tell he doesn't give you any money, he doesn't have a job, he's still using drugs and he's not been to any kind of therapy. I cannot see why you are telling yourself he has changed? It's utterly delusional.
Words are cheap, sitting by a hospital bed is easy - you need to wake up to the reality of your situation.

You are both half way between type 1 and type 2 .

Once in a blue moon, under extreme pressure one of you does something a bit type 3.

Look at your behaviours recently, centering on DD's needs.

You had a type 3 moment when you left, making changes to help her. Almost immediately you went to type 2, in your bed making yourself severely ill because you felt awful but not making the changes to yourself necessary to be a support to DD. Now you are fully back at type 1. You are strong and DH is fine, which means DD is OK no problem.

He had a type 3 moment after you left. He quickly reverted to type 2, he sat by your bedside being remorseful while leaving DD with no parent. Poor little DD, her mother withdraws from her, takes to her bed, then is in hospital nearly dead but daddy isn't there cuddling her, talking to her soothingly, brushing her hair, making her favourite sandwich like she needs. Nope he's with you in hospital as you are both fully wrapped up in type 2 woe is me.

Now he's back to type 1 behaviour. Not giving you money. Not getting therapy. Half moved back in. Nothing's wrong, he's fine.

Get yourself to act like a type 3 before you start life coaching him to type 3.

It's very easy to get this whole thread to think you're a good mum and that you look after your DD. What you're planning now though? You're not.

It's quite simple.

You both put your addictions ahead of your daughter.

He's addicted to pot and you're addicted to him. And you'll both do anything to fulfill those addictions and urges, regardless of the cost.

You're not a good mother. I don't give a crap about food in the fridge or a nice house, it doesn't count for sq
Yay when you let someone who has been physically, emotionally and financially abusive back into your daughters home.

Go ahead and throw your life away for that selfish deadshit, but do it knowing full well that you're ruining your daughters life too.

How are you going to explain to your DD that she shouldn't push other children, break things or swear when she is angry or upset, she sees her dad doing all those things without concequences.

Less than 6 months ago you thought you had a lovely family day in the park, you and DD playing, him smoking and drinking. It wasn't until posters said wtf that you started questioning it.

Be a good mum and put your daughter first, you can have a lovely and caring family unit with just the 2 of you. Stop dreaming and face reality.

"He's just got a bit more improvement to do."

Really?

This is such a sad, heartbreaking thread. I posted on your original threads and was so happy that you had chosen to put your Dd first and get her out of the situation that was pretty obviously damaging her.

And now you are going back again.

dusty something big has hannpend to change him. Me and dd leaving him. That was his wake up. He's just got a bit more improvement to do

So what exactly has he done after all this "waking up"? Has he given up drugs completely? Has he been to counselling? Is he paying you back all the money he owes you? Is he paying you maintenance to ensure that your Dd can get all the things she needs (including a winter coat)?

Or is he continuing to prioritise himself and his need for drugs?

One other thought - there is endless discussion about whether what you are doing is bad enough for social services to get involved. But the bar for not having your child taken into care is so so low. Horrifically low. Still seriously damaging to the children low.

When you had your Dd was "not being quite so awful that she is taken into care" really the standard you were aiming for?

*I want people to think I'm a good Mum and that I look after my dd. That's why I'm still on this thread. I don't like people thinking badly of me. Yes that's sad that I care what strangers

Can you honestly say that if you heard that a woman was moving her child in with an active drug abuser with a history of violence you would think that there's any way she's a good Mum?

OP my DM gave my DF an ultimatum about weed when I was little. After they split he immediately started smoking again. When I was 13 he introduced me and a whole load of my friends to it, and couldn't see how utterly inappropriate it was. At the time I didn't know he'd never paid a penny towards my upbringing and yet still bought drugs and smoked every day so I saw my DM as the boring disciplinarian and our relationship deteriorated even after she'd raised me - it never got back on track before she die when I was at uni sadly. I had an emergency once and DF was too stoned to drive me to a hospital. I slipped into other substances and went through hell with drugs myself and he has never taken any responsibility for that at all - he never abused me but he lied about it constantly and I had to lie too. I'm still scarred by it and it does affect a child to see drugs normalised in that way and to see a parent so beholden to a substance that they cannot bear their reality without it. You start to believe that you were never enough.

Please stay in therapy and wait, you have so much to lose if you don't and even more to gain if he can prove he can be clean and sort himself out.

I wish you luck

I want you to think of your DD. Think of the wonderful life you want for her.
Imagine she's grown up and married with a child. And the man she is with is a regular drug user, a drinker who she has to tiptoe around. Who owes her thousands. Who one day loses his temper and destroys their house and throttles her in front of her child.
Is that the life you wish for her? In any lifetime is that a life you would want for her? Why on earth are you settling for it for yourself and continuing to expose her to it.

Red, I remember asking on one of your previous threads if there was any history of addiction in your family, when you mentioned that your sister was also in a relationship with a man who smoked a lot of weed, and you says no, you had a normal family.

Now it turns out that your dad and uncles were heavy drinkers, and you also have a brother who was banned from driving for driving under the influence, and your whole family's relation is 'how inconvenient!' Not 'You could have killed someone while driving!' which is what a normal person's response would be.

You seem so naive at best. You don't think there's anything wrong with driving under the influence, you thought an afternoon at the park with your DH drinking and smoking pot

Posted too soon. You thought that afternoon at the park was a nice family day, you didn't realise your friends never suggested meeting at your house because it stunk of pot. It makes more sense now that we know more about your background, and this is something you really should discuss with your therapist. Probably explains the anxiety and self-harm too.

The fact that you basically took to your bed and overdosed on ibuprofen after leaving your husband, and admit that when he spent all that time in hospital with you, it didn't occur to you to wonder why he wasn't comforting your DD instead, is quite telling too. As previous posters have said, if I was in hospital I would expect my husband to focus on our daughter and making sure she was looked after during such an upsetting time for her. You say you want to be a good mum, but your recent actions don't match your words.

The person who I know like you op appears to be motivated by giving the man concessions due to a hard childhood and some health complaints, a martyr complex about being the one that has to do everything and, I think, always wanting to be the 'good' one. In comparison to a man who drinks & smokes all the disposable income, is angry and violent, has a patchy work record etc it's very easy to be the 'good' one and never have to examine ones own behaviour.

Being caught drug driving isn't an inconvenience, it's a disgrace. Do you feel the same about drink driving? I'm shocked how little thought goes into the victims or potential victims of the avoidable behaviour of your family around drink and drugs.

In comparison to a man who drinks & smokes all the disposable income, is angry and violent, has a patchy work record etc it's very easy to be the 'good' one and never have to examine ones own behaviour.

True.

A friend of mine seems to be like this. She just won't leave her husband, despite almost doing it. She just seems to want to be right and pitied.

I couldn't sleep and read the whole thread because I recognized some of the previous events from past threads OP.

Said by @RogueBiscuit last Friday
It sounds like you are not able to be your authentic self. Not with your partner, your therapist, your family, and more importantly yourself. You seem in some way, not actually present
As I was reading this is exactly what I was thinking.

@RedStripeLassie your threads sadden and horrify me in equal measure. You seem to me to be totally in denial and also deluded about what constitutes most people's 'normal' lives and how far from that you are yet. You also minimize your H's violence towards you.

The only positive I can find about your H at the moment is that he's there. I mean that's what you see as a positive, people reading here see it as the opposite. You seem to see that as overriding all the negatives.

You seem much more concerned about demonstrating a veneer of good parenting and happy family life so that outsiders think you're a great mum with a lovely family, than you are in working with your therapist to actually achieve those ends and have them stand up to scrutinity. It's so different having it, living it and feeling it, to just making it all look nice to outsiders.

This is not said in any way to 'twist the knife' but IMO the situation is so serious that sugar coating things isn't going to help you. I like the sound of your therapist. It's tough love I'm afraid, to get through to you. No one, except perhaps your H, has anything to gain by beating you up, people just want you to recognize the realities of the situations surrounding H and how he treats you both.

Getting well and getting a place just for you and DD was a great improvement on the situation, a big step forward. Living in a calm household where you are in charge and nothing from outside can disturb that, would do both of you the world of good. Your therapist is your best help, seriously, but be honest and straight with her, if you lie, you'll only be deceiving yourself.

Good luck