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Original poster

My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

999 replies

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:08

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 01/04/2017 10:47

No codeine issue really. I was prescribed codeine a while back but my respiratory issues were really painful so I started taking them for that instead of going to the doctor and it all backfired. It was more the strong ibuprofen. I didn't want to get sick at all. I'd just started replanting my life and getting excited about me and dd on our own when it happens. At that point I didn't even want to be back with him. Sometimes even now I feel sad that my 'new life' didn't happen but hospital changed everything.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 01/04/2017 10:47

53rdandBird

I think that's a really accurate way of looking at it.

I also think that the drug abuse happens because a person lacks the capacity to really make sense of their emotions and thoughts and so they deals with those difficult emotions by suppressing with drugs.

Then they can't remember what they did, or if they do that feels really bad so they take more drugs because of the sahem.

So of course he's not a number 3 person. His drug abuse is both evidence and cause of that.

OP he put his hands round your DD's neck?

NotYoda · 01/04/2017 10:48

*shame, not sahem

NotYoda · 01/04/2017 10:49

.... ach sorry, ignore me. I misread your typo above. I see it was your neck

stitchglitched · 01/04/2017 10:49

And you need to tell your therapist the whole truth. Committing violence in front of a child is a massive safeguarding issue. SS need to be involved. Your child is at risk and needs professional intervention to prioritise her because you won't.

53rdAndBird · 01/04/2017 10:49

I really want to help him become a number 3 type person because I know he can be.

That isn't something that you - or anyone else but him - has the power to do. But I understand feeling like you need to try and make things work. That's something else to speak to your therapist about - it's a really common dynamic and she can help you get through it.

deckoff · 01/04/2017 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDustyBusty · 01/04/2017 10:50

He's really sorry and hates himself for that the the way he was treating me and dd but given his way we'd never talk about it again.

And other than whinge about being sorry, what has he done? Nothing. How sorry is that? How is that kind of sorry any use to your children?

The way in which you casually mention your brother's driving ban and that your partner used to drive after taking drugs like it is nothing suggests that you aren't really on the same page as the other posters here regarding how bad this all actually is. None of the story you are telling us about your husband or your family is how most children live.

The idea that you'd let a man who strangled you in to your home, let alone one who did it with his own child who he tried to prevent you from getting an appropriate coat for in the room is shocking. Really, really shocking.

HanShootsFirst · 01/04/2017 10:58

You can't help him be a number 3 type person. If he can't do it on his own it won't happen, unfortunately.

isupposeitsverynice · 01/04/2017 10:58

I don't know if you e read the posts I've made as you haven't replied to me - that's fine and you're not obliged to read or reply to my posts, of course.

But please read this and remember it:

Men who choke their partners are 10 times more likely to end up killing them

You really are in quite serious danger from him. I hope you are able to find the peace and safety you and your daughter deserve. I'd urge you to tell the truth to therapist and family so they can help protect you.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 01/04/2017 11:00

stitched I've already decided to allow SS involvement if my therapist says so. I don't have the guts to make the first move.

Me and some of my family are a bit casual about cannabis. No ones really had much to say about BILs ban other than 'God that's annoying for you'. When he gave up drink part of me did think 'problem solved'!

We are so far as a family from what I guess you're imagining though. Not a dodgy bunch of people on the serface at all Grin

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 01/04/2017 11:01

Are you going to tell your therapist and SS that he tried to strangle you with your child in the room?

NotYoda · 01/04/2017 11:04

OP

Sorry to ask this, but it's been bugging me. Your name is also interesting. Is there alcohol abuse in your family too?

MrsDustyBusty · 01/04/2017 11:06

No ones really had much to say about BILs ban other than 'God that's annoying for you'

Yes, it possibly was annoying for him. Still, at least he was stopped before he killed anyone.

We are so far as a family from what I guess you're imagining though

Really? A depressed woman with an angry, sweary toddler whose clothing isn't adequate and reeks of cannabis being followed around by a loser who has a few cans in a children's playground is what you've described. What do you see? What's in your mind's eye about how your family looks?

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 01/04/2017 11:08

Yes, I'm going to tell her everything.

Myself, I just like RedStripe and was trying to think up a name! However, everyone is a big drinker in my family. My Dads had some proper alcohol issues as have some uncles.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 01/04/2017 11:09

That was then. It was a horrible short period of my life when things got bad but most of the time just a nice normal family.

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 01/04/2017 11:24

I don't think there are words that will actually get through to you. A man who comes home and you've to tiptoe around until he's smoked and had a few cans is not ever going to be normal unless something dramatic happens. Listen, if it was just you, I'd say move in and let him make your life hell until he finally manages to kill you, but it's not just you.

Send your daughter to me. I'll look after her properly and you can follow Drugface McIdiot anywhere he wants to go.

user1471432735 · 01/04/2017 11:26

If he was genuinely mortified about what happened, he would be in therapy. You wouldn't even need to ask.

user1471432735 · 01/04/2017 11:33

It's not up to you to fix him.
He should be bending over backwards to prove to you he wants to be better. Therapy, rehab, anger management, the world.

Instead, he's doing the bare minimum and you're walking on eggshells so that you don't upset him

What does that tell you?

NotYoda · 01/04/2017 11:36

So, I wonder if tiptoeing around erratic behaviour and hoping for the best is what you have been trained to do from a young age. If so, these are excellent issues to discuss with the therapist. Now's your opportunity to tackle the aspects of your past that have led to the 'people pleasing' you mention.

NotYoda · 01/04/2017 11:36

... also a good chance to make sure that's not your DD's life story too

dontbesillyhenry · 01/04/2017 11:37

You are just so hung up on having a nice 'normal' family and you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. You seem to think being together as a family is the absolute ambition and best case scenario for your child but it really isn't when your husband is so damaged

JigglyTuff · 01/04/2017 11:38

You have never been a 'nice, normal family'. I don't even think you know what that is :(

deckoff · 01/04/2017 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoSquirrels · 01/04/2017 12:27

RedStripe

Keep going to therapy, keep being honest. That is really great to hear, and I hope you can hold yourself to that. Please do.

Keep your husband out of the house as much as you can. Have your own space, concentrate on your DD.

Ask your family if they can collect from preschool on a more regular basis than DD's dad - is he doing this because you can't drive at the moment? What is the plan when he goes back to work - you can tell him it's better to get her used to that now so best if he doesn't pick up? Can you walk to the school to collect?

Keep him at arm's length. If that is all you can do at the moment, do that. You'll get stronger, you'll see more, you'll realise more, you can do it.

Be honest about that night he tried to strangle you. With your family, with your therapist.

As PPs say - he was off his tits is no excuse at all. At all. Because it could happen again, and you won't get a warning. And if he "doesn't realise" what he's doing when he's off his tits, he's very dangerous to be around. He needs to be 100% clean and in therapy before you can decide if he's trustworthy.

Keep going, Red. You can do it - you got out once, you just need to stay in the light.

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