My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

He almost always comes over after driving her back from school
I don't know how I missed this earlier on.

Your DH drives your DD around in the car.

Even though he may not be stoned at the time, if he has smoked cannabis in the previous few days and he gets pulled over by the police, his drug swipe will come back as positive and he will be charged with drug driving.

I know I sound dramatic but these tests are so sensitive and cannabis smoking and driving do not mix and the police are really cracking down on this.

If your DD is in the car with him and this happens then that would be reported to SS whether or not you were already known to them.

Every time I look at this thread I see something else which goes into the CON column for this man. As yet there is nothing in the PRO column.

www.forsterdean.co.uk/cannabis-driving-limit/

Red stripe, I haven't posted on here for years but felt the need to tonight. You post last night at 10pm struck a chord with me. You've admitted you are not yet strong enough to not let him back in but with social services help you might find that strength. Let them help you, take all the support offered. I believe you when you say you are becoming stronger, you just need that little bit more help. Oh, and keep seeing your therapist, it sounds like she has been a positive influence.

I think that the OP has left the thread now, unfortunately.

I am sorry if I have come across as negative by pointing out some of the pitfalls of letting this guy move in but I just wanted her to think about what she was doing.

I haven't left and I've read every post and taken it in. I know 90% of posters are genuinely helping but yesterday I felt down and didn't want to get drawn in by the few people just twisting the knife.

This post started about me and my therapist and you and other helpful posters have helped me make the decision to stick at it, be honest and tell her the rest of my relationship worries. Thank you .

I'll look back through the post and try and answer any questions.

Drug driving: I know about the dangers of this as my brother il has been on a long ban for actually smoking a spliff whilst driving ! He's been off the road for almost a year and my sister has had to do all the driving their kids around. SS was never involved though. I didn't know how long it stays on the system. He has never driven stoned since having dd. I can't drive at the moment.

The cottage: I agave never and will never commit benefit froud.

I mentioned to our LL that he might move in at some point and he didn't look bothered, said to get in touch with the agency if he does.

I wouldn't try to pretend to anyone that he hasn't moved in if he does. I not a good lier and it would send my anxiety through the roof trying to maintain it!

My partner:
He's got the job and starts next month!!! He's not work shy and is very talented at what he does.

No idea what's coming out of the will. His dad wasn't rich but was dodgy and probably hid a lot of money whilst he was alive. He's guessing about 5-10 grand.

You've made me think about the hospital thing. Why wasn't he helping my sister and Mum look after dd?

It's difficult to write this without sounding like I'm making excuses for him but I think some people have assumed he is some druggie thug, knocking me about. He's not at all. He pushed me a couple of times, smashed stuff up around the house a few times and then the bad night where he did both of the above but worse and put his hands around d my neck. That's the one and only time something like that has happend and never again. He was off his face that night and had been put central with friends after work. Once is too much, I know that and he does too now.

How else would you describe someone who when off their face attacks their partner and trashes their home? Misunderstood dreamer? Good family man?

Set your sights higher.

Once is too much

And it happened once

So it's already too much

You know it and are saying it yourself. He's already gone too far

And he did that with your daughter present too

I can't even.

I believe that if you saw him burning down a building you'd work out a way to minimize and justify it.

I could give you a line by line breakdown of everything wrong with what you just posted, but why bother.

But - he knows now that he shouldn't get high, physically assault you and trash the house his child lives in.... you mean he didn't know that before?

Once is too much, I know that and he does too now.

Does he, though? How can you tell?

I'm guessing the answer is something like "he's sorry and he's ashamed of himself, and I think that's genuine." OK, maybe so! If that's true I'm not going to tell you he's lying - I don't know. But I will tell you it's not enough, and I will tell you that because my ex used to do that too, and it sucked me back in and everything would be better... until the same thing happened again.

Here's how I used to see it then. People who do awful things to you are in two categories:

1. people who aren't at all sorry and think you deserved it
2. people who are sorry and horrified with themselves

So my ex would be in tears and floods of apologies and "I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm such a mess, you deserve better!" and I would think "oh well, this is clearly 2), so I should give him another chance."

Here is how I see it now:

1. people who aren't at all sorry and think you deserved it
2. people who are sorry and horrified with themselves
3. people who are sorry and horrified with themselves, and then do what it takes to understand why they did that and how they can make sure that never happens again.

My ex was a 2). He was a genuine 2) - I really think that in the moment of the apologising and the tears, he genuinely felt bad and ashamed of himself. But he was not a 3) - he was not prepared to do the hard, hard work necessary to look deep inside himself and change his behaviour, not just in the short term but forever.

People who are 2)s do not really, truly, fully understand that what they did was that bad. They might realise it for a second and then shut it out and deny it to themselves. Or they might give you all the tearful apologies while thinking "oh ffs, it wasn't great but it wasn't THAT bad." Sometimes - often - there's a little deep-down part of them that thinks you did deserve it, or at the very least that you should put up with it if you love them.

People who are 3)s want to change. They don't want to be the kind of person who would do that awful thing. So they do the hard work. All of it. Long term.

There are some 3)s out there, but there are not many. I don't think your husband is one of them. Maybe he will be one day - anyone can change if they choose to. But right now he is choosing not to.

The fact he did it whilst she was in the room ill never forgive him for. It's a blessing that she seemed asleep throughout the whole thing.

He doesn't remember that night at all. Of course he knows that it's wrong to act like that but I don't think he believed what he'd done even though the evidence was all over the flat. i haven't forgiven and forgotten. I remind him and myself of it still even though all I want to do is forget it all. I do this so the past doesn't get swept under the carpet. I will mention what happens to my therapist at some point.

Honestly I don't think he is number 3 either .

He's really sorry and hates himself for that the the way he was treating me and dd but given his way we'd never talk about it again.

Also because when he was at his worst he was always off his face so he doesn't remember most stuff. He thinks I'm exaggerating stuff because I do everyday in a kind of 'we were stuck in the traffic jam for hours' when it was really just an hour kind of way.

I have been reading your threads and there's something that has troubled me about the whole hospital thing. It reminds me of a family member who is now gone. This could be triggering for some people.

Your illness happened soon after you moved out when he escalated to much more serious violence. You told no-one about his violence. You needed blood transfusions and have been offered cheap therapy almost immediately.

Was it self harm related?

Was he sitting beside your bed to make sure you didn't tell anyone what really happened to push you over the edge?

Is everyone in RL (except your therapist) encouraging you to get back with him because they think the problem was his absence not his presence, because they don't know the full horrible truth?

I'm really confused....you will never forgive him for it...but you're happily shagging him??!

Wouldn't that look an awful lot like forgiveness to him?

I really want to help him become a number 3 type person because I know he can be.

It wasn't self harm related directly. I'd stopped looking after myself properly and got sick but refused to see anyone about it and just stayed in bed at my mums. I then developed severe respiratory problems and had a major gastric bleed due to some strong painkillers.

I haven't shagged him yet!!

Oh yes, that rings a bell - there is a codeine issue here is there not?

I didn't realise he was violent and had his hands round your throat.
You'll end up being one of these sad story's you read in the paper where woman thinks he's changed but he does it again and kills her. Sounds extreme yes, but all it takes is for him to say fuck it and take lots of drugs one night and do it to you. As you say he didn't know he was doing it/didn't remember it. It could so easily happen again.

I know you were only coming on for advice re therapist but it's hard for people to say nothing when they can see a car crash coming.

It sounds to me like deep down you don't want to be with him, but you feel like you owe him and you think it's easier to just get back with him than it is to say no to him.

He was off his face when he put his hands around your throat, with your child in the room. How do you feel about your 3 year old finding your body? Trying and failing to wake you up? It is pure luck that that wasn't the outcome.