My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

But you stuck around for 3 years. You gave yourself 3 months off and you are going head first back in again. You haven't even tried to live by yourself. So as an outsider, its easy to say you will probably be still there in 15 years.

So he's waiting on inheritance to lay you back - but hasn't done anything himself to earn or raise the money

He's not paying anything towards the upkeep of his daughter

He's not doing anything to get into therapy

He's still using drugs

You're still scared of telling him something that might upset him.

He hasn't changed at all, he's just being slightly less of an arsehole

He should be the one scared of ruining your potential future and pulling out all stops to keep it together, not you.

My 3 year old niece desperately wants to have the lawnmower in her bedroom. She is besotted with it and talks about it endlessly. But she's 3. That's why she has parents to make decisions about what's best for her.

Think about what this man has put you through. The poverty, the anxiety and stress. The issues your daughter has experienced. The abuse (financial, emotional, physical) - maybe he is making progress but he has a long long long way to go before he should be allowed back into your home and life.

He's doing none of the heavy lifting. Even now, it seems like you want (need) this way more than him

Your child doesn't know what's best here. She doesn't get a say in this decision.

The relationship is already abusive. You're minimising.

I get how it must look. I'm falling asleep as I type so if I don't answer it's not that I'm not answering difficult questions.

Your relationship is STILL abusive

You're scared of him and he is so unconcerned about you and the impact his choices have on you that he's done nothing to change.

Just because he's stopped hitting you, doesn't mean the relationship is free from abuse.

I don't know why your need for him overwhelms everything else.
Tell your therapist every single thing he's done and tell her you still want him in your life. See what she says

It's not how it "looks" it's how it IS

No amount of you minimizing or justifying changes that.

In 15 years you can tell your daughter that you know her life has been terrible - full of poverty and drug use and at the whim of her manipulative and selfish father, but once he made cupcakes and you thought it would be nice to drink tea in the garden so, that's why you stayed.

If what you've said in this post and your previous posts is true - I'm sorry but I'm going to be blunt here;
He is abusive
You have done the freedom programme and yet still don't recognise he's abusive
You are seemingly completely incapable of recognising risk to your daughter
You are minimising massively
These are huge red flags. If I knew you I would refer you to social services myself and would hope they would place your little girl with a mother who could recognise risks. This is a potentially dangerous situation. Perhaps call them yourself as you don't seem to be able to think clearly.

I know he's pushing boundaries and I'm strong enough to push back and make him check himself.

Don't delude yourself.

Do you have any idea how many abused women said they were strong and could control their partners?

Do you want to be in a relationship where you have to keep policing your partner?

It sounds like you are not able to be your authentic self. Not with your partner, your therapist, your family, and more importantly yourself. You seem in some way, not actually present.

I'm still scared of pissing him off by changing my mind. Not that he'd do anything bad but I'd ruin the happiness and hope for the future we share. I don't like pissing anyone off. It scares me.

Yeah, I mean that's pretty obvious, but as I mentioned yesterday, he has no such compunction about upsetting you. So who do you honestly think is in charge?

He waiting on a chunk of money from his dads will. He said he'll give me what I'm owed from that.

He will in his arse, Red. You won't see a penny of that money. He hasn't even the self respect to feed his own child because he wants drugs more, even after this massive change you talk about. He won't live with you and his child because someone wants money off him. Red, I know he's done a number on you, but don't you know that most parents would be ashamed to fail to contribute to their child's basic needs? Regardless of where else the money might come from? Providing for your child is basic, human self respect. He's not even there yet.

She wants us to live with him. She keeps telling me where daddy should sleep in the big bed and asking why he's not around in the morning etc.

My two year old gets excited about broccoli. That's down to how it's presented to her.

"I'm going to stick at the therapy and continue to be painfully truthful including telling her how angry, scared and confused she made me feel last session."

Op I actually thought you were going to end that sentence (after "scared") with how HE made you feel before your break.

It's a very very good thing to talk to her about how you feel in the sessions with her. Please also be entirely honest about what has gone on in your relationship with him. She's there for you and the more she knows about you and your life, the more she can be genuinely useful.

I wouldn't give this man the time of day, never mind a place in my home with my precious dc.

Are you afraid of 'failure'? Are you trying to prove a point to someone or to society that you can have a 'perfect family'? Do you genuinely not know the difference between good and poor parents and partners? You need to dig down as to why you're willing to give this inadequate, abusive man houseroom. 'But, I love him' said in dramatic soap opera fashion isn't enough. Even when you describe him at his bestest best, to an uninvolved outsider he just sounds like an arsehole.

All this time and energy going into trying to make him a man could be spent on you and your dd. Put yourselves first in a positive way. You're here and you're breathing, you don't owe him something for that, it's all down to you.

I think we are all wasting our breath. OP is already back with him and he'll be moving back in when it suits him

He is your ex for a reason. Why would you change that? Your children are more important than this drug addict.

Apparently not doublesnap.

Ops child comes last in this sorry mess.

Listening to the OPs long list of excuses shows me she thinks more of some fantasy family life ( which is never going to happen with this dickhead) than she does of her daughter.

Quite self centred really.

Red, you said it hurt you hearing people on this thread tell you that you're a shit parent, as it's something you believe about yourself.

You were a great parent to get you and your DD out of the relationship with your drug-using, violent DH, where you were struggling for money while he spent money on weed. You were a great parent to get your DD counselling to deal with her anger issues and you've said how much calmer she is now.

But you didn't get space from your DH to recover from the damage he did to you (I'm willing to bet that the anxiety and the self-harm are linked to your relationship), and now you're back in a relationship with him and planning to move him back in even though he hasn't done any of the things you wanted him to do (support his daughter, stop smoking weed, go to therapy).

That does make you a shit parent, because you're putting your needs before what is best for your daughter. And I think you know that, and that's why you're lying to your therapist and pretty much everyone.

You're not strong enough to push back at all.

You sound very, very weak. The scary thing is you don't realise how weak you are. You think you can control everything when you are no way near being in control. You're dancing to his tune and you are putting your child last.

Your therapist is doing her job.
For this to be right for you you have to be making an informed choice, are you fully aware of the link between using that much and psychosis?
Are you prepared for your daughter to think it's ok to be treated the way you were both treated?
If your determined on the idea then maybe just give yourself some time. If. He's really changed he won't mind just dating for the next year to prove himself. If not those true colours will show.
I'm sorry that you've been so poorly, it is pretty standard abuser behaviour to take advantage at your most vulnerable.
Would you consider trying dating some one else? To see that you deserve more and can be treated so much better.
Whether you keep seeing your therapist or not she's still going to report if you move him back in.

Doublesnap, he is not her ex. They were back texting less than 2 months after she left him, not sure when she was in the hospital with him at her side but I am guessing before that.

Red, roughly how much money is he expecting from the will and how much will he give to you? How much deposit did he get back and when will you get your half? When will he start his job and how much is his wage? You will need this info to calculate child maintenance.

Sorry to keep labouring this point, but if your DH is not on the tenancy either as a tenant (like you) or a permitted occupier, he has no legal right to live in the property.

This is a legal minefield for LLs and without their express permission (in writing) your DH should NOT move in.

If you were a tenant of mine and I found out that another adult (except a child of yours that had become an adult in the life of the tenancy) was living in my property without my knowledge and the correct legalities then I am sorry but I would not renew that tenancy at the end of the term.

When a LL runs checks on their tenants, it is to ensure that they know who is living in their property and your LL has obviously decided that you are just the kind of tenant that they want to rent to.

Your LL has not carried out the same checks on your DH and I expect that part of the (ridiculous) £350 they want to put him on the tenancy is to carry out some basic checks.

TBH if I were you LL and you came to me with this situation I would offer to run the checks on your DH and decide whether I would want to rent to him.

If I did then I would probably add him on the AST for £25 (NOT £350) because of your honesty and that is what it would cost me to do that.

If I wouldn't rent to him alone then I am sorry but I don't want him living their with you wither and it would be your choice to either rent alone for you and your daughter or I would not give you the tenancy and rent to someone else.

If I found out later that your DH was living there, not just staying over once or twice a week, then at the next renewal, you would be getting a Section 21.

I don't know what other people would do but I do know that a lot of LLs have this way of dealing with non-permitted occupiers.

I was seriously ill in hospital when my children were very small. My DH didn't sit by my hospital bed night after night - he couldn't and I wouldn't have wanted him to - he was running round trying to hold down his job, keep a home running and look after our children with a semblance of normality
This is a brilliant point and I wondered why when the OP was so ill that her DH had time to just be sitting around watching her sleep.

Any one else would spend their time dashing around trying to keep life going and managing to visit for a couple of hours most nights.

Personally, I read the DH's behaviour as a little creepy and suffocating.

A lot of women finally make the break from abusive men when they are in hospital because it is easier to access helpful resources such as SS and counselling.

I did wonder if DH had known that and therefore by hanging around he was hoping to make it harder for the OP to ask for further help.

A lot of people have asked the OP why she isn't putting her DD first but I think that another important question to the OP is - why don't you feel like YOU deserve better than this??

I've got no doubt that part of red's DH clicked his heels together in glee when she became so ill. He'd been trying everything to get back in - sulks, patheticness, manufactured health crises, sexual manipulation - and it was the perfect chance to make himself look good and exploit her vulnerability.

Sitting by a hospital bed is piss easy. You know what is hard? Being a good husband and father, every day. Getting into counselling and really working on yourself. Getting clean. Holding down a job. Paying the bills. Taking care of your child, putting their needs first, consistently, every day.

He lets you do the hard stuff, red. He always has. Sitting by your hospital bed was like all his gestures - dramatic, showy, public, and cheap.

I've got no doubt that part of red's DH clicked his heels together in glee when she became so ill
I think that you are totally right.

He could sit there and work his way back in and she couldn't get away from him.

I also suspect that he put on a wonderful performance to all of the hospital staff and because they didn't know the history, they all thought he was wonderful as well.

They can meet me in person and see what a lovely home I've made for us
SS don't care about how lovely your home looks, they can see through all of that.

If they do decide to investigate your family they may well leave no stone unturned.

They may interview your DD alone, get your GP records, get DH records, look for employment records and run financial checks.

SS and CAFCASS officers are obliged by law to report any indiscrepancies in benefit claims, such as when people are claiming HB / LHA and they have a partner living there.

Even if you aren't on benefits and you are claiming the 25% single occupancy discount for your CT, if they know that you have a partner living with you, they will report it to the council.

Also, don't think that you can fool SS by simply saying that your DH isn't living there when he is because they will find out, maybe from neighbours or maybe from your DD.

I know I sound like such a misery and I am not saying don't let your DH move back in ever.

What I am saying is be aware of everything that may happen as a result of him moving back in, emotionally, financially, legally and to your DD.