My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

I don't think he should move back in until he is clean. You can't put your child through all that again and then having to chuck him out again. The effect on your daughter will be huge. I know you want the family unit and you need help but I don't think he is the answer. Get back on your feet and let him help you but I think you need to build your relationship back up and your strength before he moves back in.
I hope you are getting stronger every day

Whatever he was rolling, he was already pushing boundaries and ignoring what you had previously agreed on.

RedStripeIassie really positive post at "Thu 30-Mar-17 21:58:50, "It's time for honesty in real life now"

Good luck.

Think you made right decision by continuing your therapy and being honest with her. If she makes a referral so be it. Based on the current situation alone social services wouldn't get involved but in light of the history they may do an assessment. Work with them. Don't believe the shit someone put about their friend's kids being taken without warning. Their friend is cleanly lying. They might suggest he does more to get off drugs and gets support to do so. Which would be helpful. I suspect they may not get involved.

Personally I'd be a wary of moving back in but if you go into it make sure your boundaries are clear and rock solid and that you have a good support network outside of the relationship.

I know he's pushing boundaries and I'm strong enough to push back and make him check himself.

Thanks pickled I'm going to keep the courage.

Now the shock has worn off I'm interested to see what my therapist will say at the next session. I panicked and went into super complient (completely false) mode and just sat there smiling and agreeing to everything whereas before I was usually a crying raging snotty mess.

But he's still using drugs. Hasn't managed to start (much less keep) a job.
Why on earth would you move him back in?
Let him be clean and act like a decent father, husband and human being for six months. Then maybe.

I know he's pushing boundaries and I'm strong enough to push back and make him check himself

The fact that he is pushing boundaries should be enough to tell you he's not ready. It shouldn't be your job to constantly police your boundaries and his behaviour.

I have read the pages and pages and not commented. But something struck me, that "fuck" when Skerry said that SS could take your DD. Other posters have already said it is not a possibility without a Care Order, but isn't that enough to scare you into not letting an abusive man back into your home? If there was even a 1% chance of SS taking either of my DSs I wouldn't even consider it. I just don't get your reasoning that he's changed in 3 months, when you and your DD suffered months and months of abuse, yes ABUSE at the hands of this man.

I work with families a bit like yours and the amount of time I have to refrain from taking and shaking the vulnerable women is quite astonishing.

You're not, for whatever reason able to grasp the real issue here. You talk about your therapist and telling the truth, but that's just white noise. The very real issue is that your therapist sees you, and your situation and is aware through her professionalism to make clear and thoughtful insights.

She has. She has objectively told you that you're putting your DD at risk.

You have chosen not to listen to that and instead focus on the white noise, cos that's quite easy. And you feel defensive that you've made all this progress.

Your happiness should not hinge on him. And yet it does. What would you ask of your daughter if she were you now?

You sound utterly self absorbed and wholly manipulated.

He's not a changed man or a saved person who has it all together . And neither are you. Then you put your DD in the middle of that,for what?

You owe him?
You're lonely?
You're poor?

Where are the "good" reasons?

I wish you the courage to make difficult choices and good decisions.

I'm not deluding myself that it's all perfect but it's such a leap in the right direction I thing I just jumped the gun when I said I'd take him back and then later agree to moving him in.

I'm still proud of myself. There was a night in hospital where things weren't looking good as I'd had too much fluid and blood transfusions and it put a stain on my heart and oxygen levels. Instead of panicking as everyone was doing tests and scans and going to intensive care I felt so happy I'd got dd out of the shit into a better life before I died. I felt so sad that I might be leaving her but so calm too. What I'm trying to say is that I'd never let things go back to how they were. I've been to hasty and that's really dawning on me but I have higher hopes and standards for the both of us now. Maybe it'll turn out he hasn't changed at all but I have.

You jumped the gun - I get that, its easy to get swept up in the romance of a relationship getting back on track. But this is your daughter's life. If you don't have enough respect for yourself, have some for her.
If you jumped the gun, why aren't you changing the situation and telling him he can't move back in, just yet?

I don't know the answer to that. It's not because I love him more or that I'm dependent on him or lonely or anything like that.

You may have changed. But you haven't changed enough if you let this violent drug addicted arsehole back in her life.
It's not about you. It's not about how strong you are. It's about her. He hasn't proved that he's changed at all.
You mention crying and being upset in therapy. You aren't ready to live with him and your daughter shouldn't have to.

He asked you if he could move in, that's very telling.

You don't know why you're with him?

Has he been to the drs about starting therapy?

Has he paid you any significant supporting funds? Rent, groceries, child maintenance?

Right now it should be the best it could ever be, he's trying to impress, prove something to you. Is he?

I feel a read dread in my stomach for you.

Have courage.

I'm still scared of pissing him off by changing my mind. Not that he'd do anything bad but I'd ruin the happiness and hope for the future we share. I don't like pissing anyone off. It scares me.

I know how that sounds. I digging deep here to be honest because I struggle with the 'why can't I just say I've changed my mind' question.

He waiting on a chunk of money from his dads will. He said he'll give me what I'm owed from that.

He went to the drs before he moved to where I live now but it's up here he's been dragging his heels.

Yes honey we do understand that. But again, the fact that you're scared of pissing him off means you're not ready and he's not ready. Please recognise this.

She wants us to live with him. She keeps telling me where daddy should sleep in the big bed and asking why he's not around in the morning etc.

This is a massive part of me starting therapy. I'm scared of pissing ANYONE off. I hate not meeting people's approval.

And this is why you need to continue to see your therapist and be totally honest with her. I am married to a people-pleaser. He does stupid things that impact our family so that he doesn't upset people. The impacts are small, but enough to make him want to get help.
What are you scared that he will do if you piss him off? Do you think he will leave and go back to London? Is that a really bad thing?

I actually let myself rage and shout at or around him more than anyone else. If other people upset me I usually just take it out on myself but hurting myself (more reasons for therapy).

Ok, think of it this way. Your daughter is now 18 and has lived with the abuse for 15 years, she will be pissed off with you. What do you say to her?

God no, he's not going anywhere!
I don't know what I'm scared of. If he did decide to fuck off id shit the door behind him.

Why does your happiness hinge on him?

Can't you feel happy without him? And are you actually happy or is it the idea of a traditional little family set up you have?

Don't wish for it, work for it.

He should work to earn back your happiness and respect. And crucially he could have done thT outside of your home, your safe space. But that's gone now and you've totally limited your horizons.

If you're scared, doesn't that speak volumes?

Ask him to leave, his reaction will give you real insight.

The best bit of advice I've seen on here and is worth repeating- when someone shows you who they really are, listen

If the relationship becomes abusive I would not stick around for 15 mins let alone 15 years.