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My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

999 replies

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:08

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

OP posts:
53rdAndBird · 30/03/2017 18:53

Red, I think you're right that you're getting stronger. It is really good to see you appreciate that and to see how proud you are of what you're able to achieve. Leaving in the first place and starting to talk to the therapist both took a lot of strength. You should be proud.

With respect, though, I think you're letting your (totally understandable!) happiness about this strength cloud your eyes to seeing something else important: you're not strong enough to change his behaviour. And you can't be, nobody ever could be, because the only person who can do that is... him.

So you're proud of yourself for telling him not to roll up or smoke in front of DD - and he did what you said! That clearly is not a conversation you could have had with him before, and you've come a long way in being able to have it. But meanwhile, surely what you want is for him to not want to smoke in front of DD? For him to choose not to, all by himself, without you needing to monitor him?

It must have taken a lot for you to tell him that you want him to go to therapy, and to keep telling him as he wriggles out of it. But you know (and I'm sure your therapist would agree) that even if you could drag him there kicking and screaming, that would not be any use at all, because therapy is only going to help him if he wants to be there and wants to engage. Not because you've made it easy for him, but because he himself wants to change. You can't do that for him.

You're proud of yourself that you can see through and call him on more of his bullshit now: you realise that his excuse for still using is an excuse, you realise he's avoiding therapy. It's great that you're strong enough to see through him on that! But where's the next step, for you? You say "you need to do this", he makes excuses and doesn't, you realise it's excuses and then... you ask him to move in anyway.

You getting stronger is a great thing for you, and for your DD, and it has the power to change both your lives so much for the better. Not just for a couple of months, but permanently. But no matter how strong you get, you can't make him make different choices. So you need to look really, really hard at the choices he is making. Not just the ones you like seeing, but the ones you don't.

I know it is scary to take that step back. When you've spent so long trying to manage his choices and his moods and his life, it's hard to go "well, I'm going to tell you what I need you to do, and then it's up to you to step up or not" - and then make your own choices based on what he's doing, not what you want him to be doing. But you have done so many scary things. You can do this one, too, you really really can.

MrsDustyBusty · 30/03/2017 18:53

Red, I know you're moving in with him regardless of what anyone says, but just bear this in mind. Yesterday you didn't want to disappoint or let him down by postponing moving in. Today he postpones without it causing him a shrug and apparently no interest in whether it's disappointing for you or your daughter because it might cost him a few quid.

Just give that some thought.

PersianCatLady · 30/03/2017 19:44

He's thinking about moving at a later date
It is not up to him to decide when he will move in, it is up to you.

PacificDogwod · 30/03/2017 20:02

when I read about your husband coming to sit by your bedside in hospital I did not see it as a loving gesture at all.

I thought it was quite chilling tbh - he was marking his territory, making sure that everybody saw you as 'his', it was possessive and overreaching in your circumstances IMO. Not the grand gesture you saw it as.
And, frankly, gestures mean v little.

I am glad you have more time.
But as PP have said, whether or when he moves in is YOUR decision and yours alone, not his.

Please be as honest with your therapist as you are here. There is no point to therapy is she does not have all the fact and complexities of your life and relationship to go on.

RedStripeIassie · 30/03/2017 21:58

So here is the way I'm going forward. I going to stick at the therapy and continue to be painfully truthful including telling her how angry, scared and confused she made me feel last session. If (and let's face it, when) we are living together I'm going to tell her and (gulp) allow her to make an SS referral as she sees fit. They can meet me in person and see what a lovely home I've made for us. If the rule is that he cant live there for me to keep her then that's how it is. It's time for honesty in real life now and I've got confidence in my own parenting to be able to allow SS into my life if that's for the best. We could just continue as we have been. Living separately but in a relationship.

Without involved from SS there's already a massive paper trail behind us. Parent child therapy me and her had in london (he attended one I think), music therapy for her anger issues in school, gp aware of his drink and drug issues, a short time of me being a caseload in a local DV centre. I gave all the dd related paperwork about her anger and therapies to her new school up here so they know that.

SS could be my support potentially and not the enemy. I still think dh can beat his demons for good and if this is the turn it takes it could be the best thing for him to keep sorting himself out too.

So next session I'll basically say that to her. They wouldn't take her if I fully co operated.

And to everyone saying I don't put my dd first. That's bollocks. Everything I've achieved I've done for her. Remember you are talking to a real person here. To be beaten down with the shit mum stick is horrible beyond words. You don't think I beat myself with the same stick daily already?!

OP posts:
TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 30/03/2017 22:07

You really cant though can you? Or you wouldn't be allowing an abusive druggie back into her home.

Wolfiefan · 30/03/2017 22:09

He is using illegal drugs.
He has form for violence.
Yet he's moving back in.
You really aren't putting her first. You can't be.

Believeitornot · 30/03/2017 22:11

You're going to let that man back in your life?

You could have at the very least have held out for longer, for the sake of your dd.

Terrible decision.

skerrywind · 30/03/2017 22:12

OP it's a gamble though.

You are walking on thin ice.

SS may just not tell to that you need to live apart, they may see your collusion and take the child. Without warning.

Is that a risk you want to take?

You have already fucked up your kids life by making bad choices- you are happy to subject her to more of the same?

picklemepopcorn · 30/03/2017 22:13

You sound really determined and realistic, Red. Honesty is much easier to live with than trying to cover everything up and make excuses for the problematic stuff. It's good that school and GP are fully aware, and good that you are going to carry on being honest with the therapist.

Just keep an eye on what is going on. Don't let yourself get sucked back in one tiny step at a time. Every time you let something pass, you are laying the groundwork for the next issue. Stand firm. Be aware that people behave badly because of deep rooted beliefs. Your DH isn't going to change his deeply rooted beliefs easily, especially if he isn't trying to, or doesn't think he needs to change. He may pretend for a while, but changing on the inside is really hard, as you know.

skerrywind · 30/03/2017 22:13

Sometimes loving someone isn't enough.
Sometimes we have to walk away for our own preservation.

PacificDogwod · 30/03/2017 22:21

Love is not enough.

It is a start, that is all.

Lweji · 30/03/2017 22:23

Red, you're enabling him.
He has no motivation to get cleaned.

Read your own posts. DV, anger management, counselling for DD.
It's a mess.

Just walk out, let him sort himself out and only accept him back IF he shows he's changed. And keep the door open.

What you're doing is a recipe for disaster.

You say you trust your own parenting. Do you trust his?

RedStripeIassie · 30/03/2017 22:33

I know love and good intentions aren't enough. I tried that before and we both failed her massively.

I trust my own parenting and from what I've seen in the last few month I trust his parenting but I'm cautious obviously. He's done more of the everyday parenting for her in the last month than ever before. He almost always comes over after driving her back from school and cooks her tea, does bath etc and doesn't leave my mums till dds asleep. Yes normal non praiseworthy parenting but still a massive leap in the right direction.

skerry I haven't fucked up her life. I've changed it beyond recognition. I just don't see SS taking her. It's not a gamble because they wouldn't just swoop in and take her. Wouldn't they say, this that etc needs to change or.... I've just made the massive decision to allow SS into my and my daughters life. Don't scare me out of something that could actually be good for us.

OP posts:
Gallavich · 30/03/2017 22:41

SS may just not tell to that you need to live apart, they may see your collusion and take the child. Without warning

please don't post crap like that. Children's services cannot take children without warning. That's illegal. Police can do for 72 hours but there are very specific conditions and this isn't one.

Even if the man moves back in tomorrow this wouldn't meet the threshold for care proceedings at this point. It may possibly meet the threshold for a child protection plan which isn't a walk in the park.

skerrywind · 30/03/2017 22:41

Happened to a friend of mine red, sorry,
She was involved with SS, similar situation with partner moving back in, she thought everything was working well.

SS arrived at 5am with police and took her two kids.
They were in foster care for a year.

RedStripeIassie · 30/03/2017 22:42

Thanks gall that's kind of what I was trying to say in the post above yours.

OP posts:
53rdAndBird · 30/03/2017 22:42

I've just made the massive decision to allow SS into my and my daughters life.

You don't need to wait to see if the therapist refers you to do this. You can contact them yourself, directly. Take that control yourself instead of waiting and worrying that the doorbell's going to ring. You're right that they could be your support and not your enemy, if you're honest with them and willing to work with them.

RedStripeIassie · 30/03/2017 22:42

Oh fuck Sad

OP posts:
Gallavich · 30/03/2017 22:43

skerry
They must have had a court order, meaning your friend must have had warning. That's the LAW.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 30/03/2017 22:43

You trust his parenting? Wasnt he rolling up in front of her yesterday?

RedStripeIassie · 30/03/2017 22:43

Taking that much initiative is a scary thought!

OP posts:
RedStripeIassie · 30/03/2017 22:44

A cig not a spliff

OP posts:
Gallavich · 30/03/2017 22:44

Hang on - he was rolling a cigarette not a spliff!
These threads get so unhelpful when posters can't stop piling on.

picklemepopcorn · 30/03/2017 22:50

Don't panic, Red, you've had some real insights and made some steps in the right direction. Don't let it all overwhelm you again, hold on to the progress you have made. Concentrate on going forward one step at a time, and don't accept any backsliding. Do not let your standards slip for a second. You can do this.