My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

I just let my guard down and told her all the truth from our fist session and now I'm scared where that will land me
There isn't much point in going if you don't tell her the truth.

If you are telling her the truth and she feels that she needs to involve SS then the answer is to stop the behaviour that makes her need to contact SS, in this case letting your DH move in.

There is no point in lying to her and pretending that everything is great because not only is that a waste of your time and money, it is pointless.

I didn't report your post btw henry. You can call me stupid and selfish.

Most people who are harming their kids don't believe they are doing it- that's the danger. They are the most indignant at child protection conferences because 'well he only chucked me against the wall because I wound him up' and 'he only hit the kids because they know what buttons to press' or 'this isn't violence my ex used to stab me' and other ridiculous examples of setting the bar disgustingly low when it comes to safeguarding your kids.
Can I ask you Op- can EVERYONE giving you advice really be wrong? What would any single one of us be gaining by telling you not to move your child's father in???

Be a GREAT mum, OP.

She definitely WON'T suffer if her father lives apart from you a bit longer while he makes good on some promises and works on his mental health, rebuilding relationships and keeping a job.

She MIGHT suffer if her father relapses or becomes irresponsible again.

You have absolutely NOTHING to lose by living apart, and much to gain. If he is as changed as you hope and believe.

So to sumise- the therapist isn't to be trusted as she thinks him moving in is a safeguarding issue
Your DH is still using drugs
Everyone on here thinks it would be a bad idea.

Can you not see a pattern here?

One thing I really don't understand is what is so urgent about him moving in??

Why can't you live apart (as you planned) and he can spend a year proving himself to you??

When you feel that he really can be trusted and only then can he move in with you.

I don't see why it has to be so quick because if he really wants to make things work then he would be prepared to wait.

If he isn't prepared to wait, then perhaps in a month or two, it will just be back to the old routine??

Yes. Set the bar high.

It should be much much higher than it ever needed to be before. Higher than "normal". The highest.

Make decisions that can ONLY have good outcomes.

4 months felt like such a long time that I believe/believed that real change could occur. I've changed, I know that as a fact.

The reason I think posters get mad on this thread and my previous ones is that I'm not going to lie and say oh yes your right. I'll follow the advice to the letter. I um and ahh and make little changes here and there and resist making out that I'm a good person and do what everyone says. It's so tempting to get that approval and I want anyone's approval so badly that this really hurts being so honest. Now that is pathetic and yes, I am pathetic but I'm not going to do that.

OP - I don't know if you read these legal points I posted earlier so I am going to repost them because I think that they are important.

A few things....

If you are renting a house in your name and you haven't told the LL that this guy is living there, you do know that you are in breach of the tenancy??

If you permit this guy to smoke cannabis in your home and garden, you and the LL could both be guilty of an offence under S8 Misuse Of Drugs Act 1971.

If you are on benefits and this guy is living with you and you haven't notified the DWP of that, you could be committing benefit fraud.

Have you thought about any of these??

I feel like I can't go back on my word. He was there for me at my worst in hospital and stayed there in a chair night after night. He's proved a lot to me.

RedStripe, I think you should talk to your therapist about how you are feeling. Tell her you feel your trust is shaken. You have the right to tell her how you are feeling and therapists are used to clients talking about the therapist relationship.

Don't lie, don't stop going, take the feeling into the session.

Yeah but the people in reality can't see the real situation can they? And when they do, like your therapist has, then the alarm bells ring. Tell your mum and dad what he did to you, go on, and then see how happy they are that you're getting back together.

It was me who reported your post henry

I think in cases like this it's wise to consider whether what you're saying is for you or the OP.

You were angry and taking it out on the OP. That's not going to help her, or you for that matter. So I thought it was best gone and apparently MN agree.

Red You do know that you can't rescue him, don't you? Nobody can truly rescue another person, you have to do it for yourself. You know that, because you had the sense and strength to rescue yourself and your dd from your husband.

Wanting to be a rescuer is a very strong emotion, I know from my own experience. But it skews the reality of your relationship with the other person. You don't really see them for who and what they are.

In the long run, if you really do love him you'll walk away. When he lived with you his behaviour was appalling. That was HIS fault, not yours. It's not down to drugs, or being in a bad place, or depression. It's down to the choices he made, to his upbringing, a hundred other things. If you live as a "family" again he'll revert back, because nothing has changed in his life to prevent this.

So, your fantasy life will actually be a nightmare for all of you. But mostly for your dd, as she is the silent victim in all of this.

To stop being afraid you have to be truthful - to yourself, your family and friends, and your therapist.

I haven't read all 19 pages because I need to go to bed but just wanted to add part of my story.

My Ex wanted to some spliffs after the baby was in bed saw no issue.

It was an issue..at this point he left, came back on the condition he didn't smoke ..He was deceptive about it..We eventually split.. He told me a couple of years later he would be smoking it the rest of his life.

He is doing this to get back in the position he wants..

If you really want it to work with him..Then you need to know he can give it up completely.. You need this for your DD too. and spend time dealing with your issues first..There is no rush in fact not rushing means he doesn't have to do a bit of a good period.. Its a bit like going on a diet..Easy for a few weeks but gets harder when the going gets tough.

I feel like I can't go back on my word
How many times did he go back on his words to you??

What is this man going to offer you that makes him worth all the risk??

I spoke to the agency. It would cost £350 to put his name on the tendency . I don't want to anyway and I know the money will put him off. The agency know he may move in at a future date.

I'm not on anything apart from child tax credits and I didn't change the rate from before. I've either been in hospital or with my mum so not benefit fraud.

The cannabis law is ammunition for me, as in 'I know.l no one gave a shit in London but this is a village and people might have a different attitude to your habit'....

Painful is OK sometimes, you know.

It is honest, it is real - you HATE it because you're conflict-avoidant, which is how you drifted into this shit situation in the first place.

It got terrifyingly bad before you hit out.

Don't be the frog in the boiling water again.

My "approval" is worth nothing to you, but your DDs approval is worth all the world. Set a shining example for her of what a good relationship is.

No it was def for the OP.
I've seen many people lose custody of their kids by putting their relationship first and when it suddenly ends up formally in a child protection arena these are the people who act the most shocked and appalled by it all...after having chance after chance after chance to get things right.
Exactly what are you doing to help armpitz apart from reinforcing the OP's belief it is ALL ABOUT HER and her fairy tale 'relationship' when that is not how children's services would view this at all

That was a response to persian

Just read your last post. You can thank him for sitting with you in hospital. It doesn't mean he's a changed man and that you have to live with him again. It means he sat over night in a chair in a hospital. Where was he all the times you needed him when you lived together?

You don't owe him anything. He wrecked your life. He was a good hospital visitor. Leave it at that. Let him go.

That conversation just wouldn't have even started last year. It's my home and I felt happy asserting myself and he respected that. That is all growth from us both.

I give it a couple of months of him finding it safe for the conversation not starting again.

I never thought you were a bad mum Red, who the fuck would I be to judge you with my history? I think you're damaged and vulnerable and you make me feel protective, of you and DD, not angry at you. I won't pretend I agree with the decisions you're making but I will always be there if you need someone to talk to, no judgement.

Your "word" that you'd be going back on has been good Ben under circumstances of extreme stress and vulnerability.

He's slept in a chair whilst you were in hospital. Good - he has a heart.

But it don't make him a prince among men with nothing left to prove.

What he has "proved" so far is that he can still bend you to his will:

No money (for you that he owes, for DD)

Still buying & smoking weed

No therapy

The thing is it's not just the cannabis.
Sure it's a main part in this problem but the penny pinching behaviour the getting violent with you in front of your kid and being a general waster are also major problems so if he does by some miracle manage to knock the wacky backy on its head you are still a million miles from safe here