My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

He's proved a lot to you... Apart from giving you space, getting a job, paying maintenance, and giving up weed. I suppose he's spending less than the £70 a week he used to spend on weed, as he's cut down.

Please think about telling your parents and your sister and the therapist about the violence. They should know the truth about your relationship.

It would cost £350 to put his name on the tendency
Strictly speaking if an adult is not on the tenancy (either as a tenant or permitted occupier) he should not be living there. If he moves in he needs to be on the tenancy otherwise he can stay over occasionally but he should not live there properly.

The cannabis law is ammunition for me
Smoking cannabis in your own (owned) home is one thing but when you allow it to happen in a rented property, both the tenant and LL are strictly liable. Now, the police don't always choose to prosecute this law but sometimes they do. How do you think your LL would feel about renewing your tenancy if he/she knew you were permitting your DH to smoke cannabis there??

Thanks hiding a lot of guilt similar to yours had come out in therapy and I've just been in bits when I talk about it.

I am sat here rubbing my eyes now and I am sorry that you are so lost.

One thing I would say to you is just sit down and think about what might happen good and bad if he moves in now and the same for if he moves in after a year.

Take care.

Thanks. I'm dropping too so I'll sleep on all the advice.

I didn't actually think I could get more depressed about this thread, but I was wrong.
You are just lying to yourself and everyone else. And I'm struggling not to step away from the supportive element of this thread and not to now just say you are sacrificing your daughter for a bs fairytale that will never happen. It's utterly selfish and deluded and I hope your daughter somehow escapes this cycle of abusive behaviours unscathed.
If I knew anything about who you were or where you lived, I'd now be seriously thinking about reporting you to anyone I could, for your own sake. Because you clearly aren't getting the wake up call just yet.

I have read a few of your responses..

If you can't be honest with your therapists..Then that tells you something.

All confidentiality when children are involved does not apply to safeguarding issues for children and rightly so.

If you trust this therapist so far maybe that maybe you should give her the time to explore why she considers it a safeguarding condition. ..

Ultimately though OP..You post shines through you are going to do what you plan to so good luck to your DD in particular.

The cannabis law is ammunition for me

Red , life shouldn't be like this. Why should you need ammunition? He should have changed, and be making changes, because he wants to, because he sees the need to. This shows you're not in control, that you can't discuss things freely with him. If you could, you'd say stop taking drugs or forget about us ever getting back together. Instead, you need ammunition.

This is the kind of thing a therapist picks up on. You don't have to be told that someone's dh is emotionally abusing them. Just listening to someone describe their relationship would give you clues and start the red flags waving.

Red you feel you owe him because he was kind to you when you were ill.

YOU do not owe him.

You owe your daughter.

It's possible my son's birth mum could have parented him alone but she could not give up her partner, his dad, who was not good for him. She made a choice, partner over child. Please be honest with yourself that if you allow him to move back in you are risking this.

There is no rush, he could move in another time, but you are, I think, scared to tell him 'no'. If you are scared now, for whatever reason, is this the basis of a relationship?

Your op was about your therapist. Your therapist has your back, he or she has your most precious person (your dd) in her mind. She is your friend and may be your lifeline. She has a code to work by, do not see her honest concern for you as a bad thing, she has your back. You can move toward being honest, you can do it, you will find it gets easier the more you do it.

I am in therapy too, I understand what the relationship between therapist and 'patient' is like. Not being honest is just pointless.

Bless you we all want the best for you and your dd, hope you get it.

Sorry, Your therapist has your back, she has your most precious person (your dd) in her mind.

Yes Red, the guilt thing is all too familiar It's what made me reign it in when I realised it was getting out of hand after my relapse at Christmas. I guess that's what worries me about where your DH is at, it hasn't dawned on him yet that those 2 light joints mean he is still an active addict. Either that or he doesn't feel the guilt you (and I) feel about the impact on DD. Whichever it is he certainly still isn't putting her (or you) first and, until he does, he isn't safe to be around either of you on a full time basis.

Oh dear, I too think you're making a very bad decision (shock horror!). But raging at you isn't going to change anything,

When it gets bad I hope you feel you can still post on mumsnet and get some support to you and your little girl out.

And I'm sorry but it's a when it gets bad, not an if.

I tried to overcome my stbxh' demons and battles and tragedy to get us both to the other side, to have that happy ever after dream, and it doesn't work. But you won't believe it until you've finally learnt that yourself. I hope you're one of the people that learns. The people that don't learn are the ones still lying and pretending years and years later. They're the ones whose children don't visit. They're the ones whose children got taken away... the ones their children needed protecting from.

I really hope you're not like that as it's so achingly sad, such a waste of a life. A waste of their children's lives. All for nothing as no matter how hard you try, or how much you sacrifice for him, you never ever get that happy ending.

You're clearly not going to do anything to stop him moving back in and you're clearly going to accept however worsening behaviour (as it will get worse).

Maybecan you spend a few minutes thinking about what will be your breaking point? Not the pretend 'I won't stand for it' guff, but the actual one? I think it's pretty clear he'll end up smoking more dope, and smoking in front of your DD, and you and he will get back the screaming arguments (which you'll blame yourself for), and the money will go on him, not your DD again.

But what is your breaking point? If he tries to strangle you again? Hits you? Trouble is he's done that before & got away with it, so it's easier for him to do it again without any consequences, so I'm not sure it would be your breaking point really.

What about doing any of that in front your DD? Would that be your final 'no'? Your breaking point that gets you to act?

Or if she goes beyond swearing this time? Maybe hitting and strangling other children in the playground?

I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to get you to think now, before all the abuse and neglect starts again, what are your boundaries? I don't believe most of the stuff you've written here, because you're trying to say the right things, to us and to yourself, and your behaviour doesn't match up with the words. I think it's important for you to recognise what's the hopeful fantasy stuff and what's the real you and the real reactions you'll have.

Good luck and I'll be here to post when you need help again, like a lot of others...

He's proved a lot to me

Has he? This man who told you he only smokes a couple of light spliffs a night casually tried to do so again during the afternoon, and in front of your child. So he's already shown that he's lying to you, and that in fact smoking at other times is so habitual to him that he'll do it in circumstances that he knows you'll hate. He's also shown that the reality is that he is not going to keep to any boundaries you try to set in place.

Is that really proving himself to you?

he sat with u in hospital-and? so did ike turner ffs

it will cost to put him on the tenancy so we're not going to

you do know then that he cant live with you or youre breaking thee contract-now youve made them aware they will prob check

gabs
Not putting him on the tenancy is the smartest move by far. As long as the letting agents know he's living there (if that's what happens) then there will be no consequence to him moving in, so stop labouring that point, it's not helpful.

Red - you set a list of conditions he HAD to meet to be allowed back.

He HASN'T met ANY of them.

Yet you are in the process of him moving back in with you.

He literally has NO reason to change, and NO reason to respect any 'boundary' you put in place - why would he when you don't respect or enforce them either?!

If you move him back in now, with no therapy, still smoking weed and no job then nothing has actually changed. And it won't. Abuse is a cycle. It will escalate again - because he has no reason to believe any threat you make - because you don't enforce them.

You are putting yourself before your child. Not because you are taking him back - but because you are doing so without him meeting ANY of the conditions you initially put in place.

If you HONESTLY want to put your child first then you won't let him move in until he has had therapy, as requested, has a stable job, as requested and has stopped ALL drug use, as requested.

He hasn't yet done ANY of those things - not for you, or your dd. Because he doesn't WANT to.

He does not value you or dd enough to do them. And THAT is why it will all happen again.

FGS put your child FIRST.

There would be nothing a man who left my child to go without BASIC necessities could do to EVER get back in my house. You LET him neglect her before - why on earth would you even think about risking any chance of a recurrence by letting him back???

Fucksake, some women really are their own worst enemies. Are you so desperate for a man OP that you'll put that ahead of your own daughter's safety? If SS do end up getting involved then you'll have no one to blame except you and your bad decisions.

I'm sorry to be harsh but you've had page after page of good advice and you continue to ignore, while minimising his behaviour and making excuses for him.

Good post coolaschmoola - I completely agree

Did I understand your last post right? Are you going to use the cannabis law and the cost of putting him on the tenancy as explanations for not moving him in? I know you felt it's too late, but now you know the two big problems with the tenancy, that helps you explain to him that he can't, doesn't it?

You can tell him SS would give you grief, LL would give you grief, Law would give you grief, that you don't want to lose your daughter or your home by moving him in.

Ask yourself what kind of man would want to move in if it risked all that?

Be glad for the excellent help from your therapist who is helping you change. Remember DP is choosing not to get that help.

I think you are stupid to allow an addict "2 spliffs" Cannabis nearly ruined you dd's life. The only acceptable quantity of cannabis now is ZERO.

4 months is nothing. Anyone can be on their best behaviour for 4 months. If this was 12 months then I'd be thinking differently but I'd want a surprise drug test performed considering how much grief they caused the lives on you and dd.

Do your family know the truth about what happened?

There's no point seeing a therapist if you're lying. She'll know you're lying or withholding anyway. She has a duty to safeguard your dd, legally and ethically.

If you met this man tomorrow would you let him into yours and your dds life - an abusive, unemployed, manipulative drug addict? Is this truly what you want for yourself? Because your tea drinking and DIY fantasy suggests otherwise.

It's ok to say you were wrong and you need more time. You know he won't like it so you won't say it. How that's any different to the whole of your past relationship?

My mum was with men like yours OP.

She was not well and as a result put her children's needs last although she'd claim she was putting them first.

Seeing and hearing your mum suffer physical violence and verbal abuse was hardly a rosy dream for us.

I have two children of my own now. I honestly don't understand how she could put and keep us in the situations that she did. I really don't. I can see she was ill and made the wrong decisions but I can't understand.

I think your therapist is doing the right thing. She's putting the needs and safety of your dd first.

4 months felt like such a long time that I believe/believed that real change could occur. I've changed, I know that as a fact.

As Zombie says. 4 months really is not a long time at all. 4 years would be better.

So many people here, Red, have given you their thoughts. And I did go and have a look at the threads someone showed a link to when you were desperate and miserable and it was all bad with him. I felt particularly sorry about your little girl and the swearing. Actually the hitting falls under some standard toddler phases, but the swearing doesn't. The swearing is a direct result of the environment she's been in.
And she must have heard it quite a lot to have picked it up and reproduced it.

Has he promised not to swear in front of her as well? This is the kind of thing that you need to feel confident can be controlled, if you want to give her the best environment (along with being safely looked after, and not seeing violence or threatening behaviour of any kind).

It's so obvious that she's doing better now because she's away from that behaviour. Why can't you see that?

I'm sorry. I too am one who finds this thread dreadfully depressing. I can see that you're very hopeful that things have 'changed', but to outsiders it looks so clear that they have only changed because you had the courage to get out of the situation before. And now it all feels better, you are willing putting your daughter back into it (and yourself, but tbh your daughter is the one here who has no control, and depends on the maturity of adult decisions, so am thinking mostly about her).

I have an ex-husband. He wasn't/isn't a bad person at all - we just weren't right for each other. We split up nearly 20 years ago. And I don't see him often, and I always used to think he is generally just ok, just fine. But we had a bit more to do with each other last year (mainly because of our child) - I mean had to sort a few things out, talk more than usual. And I was very quickly, and quite chillingly, thrown back 20 years and feeling as I did then - he is the same person. The dynamics are the same. It doesn't change. (He, incidentally, also had a dependency on dodgy roll-ups in the back garden ...)

My point is: whilst your husband is at a distance, his worse behaviour has less chance to come out, and also he is wanting to come back, so he is going to be saying and doing what you want. It is telling that he can't actually commit to therapy and no drugs and paying something to the tenancy, etc, - because he knows that no way is he going to do any of this.

Red, I think you will get back in this, and after time it will go wrong again. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm afraid I'm not. You may need to find this out the hard way, but it's such a pity that your daughter will have to. That's why we're all up in arms. We're trying to protect her.

willingly putting your daughter back in it

sorry for typos

It's been nowhere near 4 months - Red moved out around christmas and seems to have "got back together" with him in Feb or March.

If he moves in it could affect your benefits.

If he doesn't get a job he
won't be contributing financially, presume he won't get benefits as he resigned. (even when he did have a job he spent his earnings on booze drugs and gambling).