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Original poster

My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

999 replies

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:08

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

OP posts:
antimatter · 29/03/2017 21:38

Your dd likes him now because she isn't in the same house as him all the time.
He wants you to provide free everything as you achieved so much.
Are you prepared for him to drag you down again after all you've bern through?

GreenPeppers · 29/03/2017 21:41

OP I see patients too (not as a counsellor!) and sometimes people tell me things that made me itchy. Things such as abuse of a child or abuse of an adult.

There have been times when I told said to people that what they told me made me feel very worried for xx.
I've always tried to let them take the initiative and sort things out themselves. But sometimes it's just not happening and then there is no other choice than to involve the different services.
And often, other people have seen the same issues and SS have ended up involved anyway. USually because the child has talked to a teacher or has made a comment to a friend and was overheard by a teacher.

Please be aware that if the therapist has told you that, it's because you said something that has raised alarm bells for her. She might be right or not. But her role is NOT to judge or make an assessment of whether your ex is a danger or not. Her role is to pass on information is there is POTENTIAL danger and then it's SS that will make a decision iyswim.
What your therapist can NOT do is to ignore the red flags.

Fwiw and what I have seen happening is that sometimes People do change.
Or a therapist/a GP will refer to SS and the SS will not see any issue at all.
What is essential though is for you to LISTEN to the advice of these people.
It is fantastic that you have decided to carry on with the therapy. I suspect this will be a lot of help for you (and therefore for your dd). That therapist might well make a few comments about boundaries, what is acceptable, what is not. She might also make comments about about what is NOT acceptable behaviour from your ex.
Please listen and never dismiss the advice 'because we are only a few sessions on'. She might not have the full picture. Or she might well have already got an understanding of the situation that you don't have (because when you are in the midle of it, it's hard to see the trees from the wood).

And remember that there is ALWAYS the possibility to change plans and to 'go back'. It's possible to postpone plans for a few mo this to see how he is settling down in the new town. It's possible to ask him to come back gradually. It's possible to say 'actually I'm not ready. And you probably aren't either'.

DoloresAbernathy · 29/03/2017 21:48

This is a depressing thread to read, I hope someone can talk sense into you.
My sister is you, I've not been able to talk sense into her so I've no chance with a stranger in MN it's so bloody sad Sad

Garnethair · 29/03/2017 21:48

Your poor child. I've fostered several children who have been removed from mothers who refuse to stay away from abusive druggies. It's really tough explaining to them why their mothers don't want to put them first. It makes me really angry.

The choice is yours OP. Your child or this loser.

greathat · 29/03/2017 21:51

I'm assuming you are choosing your drug addicted abusive ex over your kid.... Please prove us wrong, choose your child

PersianCatLady · 29/03/2017 21:52

A few things....

If you are renting a house in your name and you haven't told the LL that this guy is living there, you do know that you are in breach of the tenancy??

If you permit this guy to smoke cannabis in your home and garden, you and the LL could both be guilty of an offence under S8 Misuse Of Drugs Act 1971.

If you are on benefits and this guy is living with you and you haven't notified the DWP of that, you could be committing benefit fraud.

Have you thought about any of these??

MNHQ
FlissMumsnet · 29/03/2017 21:57

A big thankyou to all those who've posted here. Although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, than they can afford to spare.

Megatherium · 29/03/2017 21:59

Your post about him trying to roll a joint indoors in front of your toddler is very revealing. He obviously has no recognition of the fact that this is just not acceptable and is already trying to push back against your boundaries. Plus, in your OP you said he only has a couple of light spliffs at night, yet he was skinning up after school. It looks like it's pretty habitual for him to roll up during the day.

If you let him back, you know perfectly well that he's going to keep pushing back against any boundaries that you put in place. If he's looking after your DD on his own, he will be smoking, and she will be in danger.

It's only four months since you believed that this man was destroying your daughter's mind, body and soul. Surely you can't take even the tiniest degree of risk that that will happen again? Or that she will be taken into care because social services rightly believe that you are putting her safety second to your husband?

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 29/03/2017 22:02

I'm seconding what the mumsnet team have said. I don't want anyone to get so invested that they're literally shaking with rage and I don't want to take on the burden of guilt from many people I haven't met.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 29/03/2017 22:03

Off and on today I've been really invested in what people on here think of me but it's the people in reality who can see our situation and are not pitying my daughter or shaking with rage.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 29/03/2017 22:06

Thank you so much to people who have take time to
Advise. Without arguing can I just say it was not in my op about wether or not I should let him move in. It was about my trust being shaken by my therapist and what the hell to do next.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 29/03/2017 22:06

OP does say quite clearly in that post about him rolling up that it was a normal cig - not a joint.

I don't think that anecdote proves he's changed, but equally we should not use it to suggest he's smoking illegal substances around their DD at present.

OP is being honest on this thread and says it's hard for her to do so. If we're posting I think we have a responsibility to make sure we're listening to what she is saying (even if we're disagreeing) if only to not let her think it's all "MN hysteria and pack mentality".

DioneTheDiabolist · 29/03/2017 22:08

But they don't know the full story Red. Tell your mum exactly what happened to you. Tell her what her granddaughter's life was like before you moved away from him. Then see what her reaction/response is to him moving into your new home.

53rdAndBird · 29/03/2017 22:08

It was about my trust being shaken by my therapist and what the hell to do next.

Do you understand why your therapist said what she said? Are you going to ask her any questions about it, or discuss it with her?

dontbesillyhenry · 29/03/2017 22:09

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PersianCatLady · 29/03/2017 22:10

It was about my trust being shaken by my therapist and what the hell to do next
Sorry but this is plain wrong.

Your therapist is doing both her job and her legal duty and the very fact that she feels she has to do it speaks volumes.

I cannot believe that you still believe that the therapist is the one with the issue.

GreenPeppers · 29/03/2017 22:10

To the question as to ehtherenyou should trust your therapist, I would say that her telling you that some of what she heard is concerning and concerning enough for her to think about referiingbthe issue to SS IS the sign that you have agreatvtherapist in front of you.
One that knows red flags. One that follow their own code of practice.

I would really really stick by her if I was you!

As btw she hasn't broken your trust, when you started, she must have mentioned that things you will say that show that a child can be out in danger or you are in danger will be passed on.
She is dong what she said she would.
Which means that she hasn't broken the trust but alsonthat she is keeping to her words.

NoSquirrels · 29/03/2017 22:11

OK Red but WHY was your trust shaken in your therapist?

Because she said something that made you question your decision.

Being made to ask questions of yourself that are uncomfortable, in order to work through issues we're avoiding because they are painful, is the POINT of therapy.

The thing you're avoiding because it's painful is that it is not sensible to let him move back in yet.

This whole thread is about you avoiding that. It's not about if you trust your therapist - it's about if you trust him.

armpitz · 29/03/2017 22:11

I think some posters can't resist the allure of making it all about them, as evidenced by the self centred 'I'm outs!' - on a long thread like this no one will know or care if you're out or not unless you announce it and why would someone do that ... Hmm!

Red I think the important thing here is whatever you do is your decision and no one else's. I might think it would be wise to hang fire on moving him back if only because it is very early days and you don't want to disrupt your little girl should it go wrong. But I am sure you know that.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 29/03/2017 22:12

I don't think the therapist is the one with an issue. I just let my guard down and told her all the truth from our fist session and now I'm scared where that will land me. My problem, not hers. I accept she is a professional doing her job.

OP posts:
armpitz · 29/03/2017 22:13

Personally I would not want to see this therapist again.

Any type of therapy means you have to feel same. Whether she's doing her job or not, if I don't feel safe, it isn't going to help me. So it wouldn't be for me.

NoSquirrels · 29/03/2017 22:15

Yes, you're scared. That is honest, Red.

Keep talking to her. Show her this thread if that's easier.

Tell your mum you're having second thoughts about your husband moving back in because you don't feel he's made enough of an effort yet to quit the drugs and pay you what he owes. Ask her to support you a while longer.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 29/03/2017 22:15

Many of you will roll your eyes but I don't think I'm a bad mum anymore. If I felt the desicions I'm making were harming her then I would agree. I know how many people feel about that so please do t keep on with the personal attacks.

OP posts:
twattymctwatterson · 29/03/2017 22:16

You're deluded. You're putting your happiness before the emotional and physical wellbeing of your daughter. Good luck op

Ellapaella · 29/03/2017 22:17

Dontbesillyhenry - 100% spot on.