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Original poster

My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

999 replies

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:08

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

OP posts:
P1nkP0ppy · 29/03/2017 21:01

It's all cloud cuckoo land. I hate to think what has to happen to get you thinking straight, putting your DD first and kicking his ass into touch.
All very sad and getting depressingly repetitive. Your DD doesn't stand a chance of being put first, poor little girl.
Sad

isupposeitsverynice · 29/03/2017 21:02

On one of your previous threads you said he'd never be violent, but if he was you'd never tolerate it. So much as one slap, you wrote, and that would be it. No second chances, they were your exact words, I'm sure.

Once he's got you used to getting hit he'll probably start hitting your daughter.

Even if he doesn't, little girls who grow up with fathers who beat their mothers go on to become vulnerable adult women who are easy targets for predatory men who beat them and rape them and kill them.

Maybe your daughter deserves better than that?

PacificDogwod · 29/03/2017 21:06

Oh, red.

You have become accustomed to lying to yourself, really well.

Keep seeing your therapist.
Take your time (yes, I know I am repeating myself).

Have you looked up 'trauma bonding'?
That 's what you are feeling for your H.

Stop lying, be honest to yourself, your therapist and then go from there.

NoSquirrels · 29/03/2017 21:07

Oh Red I have seen your threads before but never posted. I am so sorry you've been ill. But please don't let him move back in.

You sound so intelligent, and you must be, to have constructed all these elaborate scenarios to keep you going. But the way for you to live your fantasy life of tea in the garden is to keep going alone for a bit, you, your lovely DD, and help from your family if they are genuinely supportive of you. And your therapist, who you can be honest with.

Let him know- it's too soon, you want things to keep going well and the way for that to happen is to live apart, go slowly, both of you in therapy (separately), he keeps a job and pays you money for DD, and you think again when he's given up the drugs.

You can have tea in the garden, then he can go home.

I am not anti-dope, but he is an addict- completely different situation to an occasional spliff for leisure. If he believes it's "medicinal" he is addicted, he is self-medicating by his own admission.

He is not fit yet to live with you and your DD.

Not yet doesn't have to mean not ever.

But please, not yet.

Hateloggingin · 29/03/2017 21:08

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/03/2017 21:11

Thanks Hodge

Sadly I have had my own light bulb moment, illuminating why I kept being drawn to this thread.

The cycle of abuse can be broken. I managed it. Two of my siblings managed it, although both were in abusive relationships as young adults, one had a drug problem too but he kicked that successfully over 15 years ago and is happily married with a good life now. One is perpetuating the cycle in the most fucking awful relationship, they have children too.

Maybe red's DD will grow up to break the cycle. Maybe she will be broken beyond repair. Only time will tell.

red if you do nothing else, tell every friend and every family member the truth. The therapist too. Send them a link to these threads. It will only take 12 seconds of strength.

Then they will work hard to protect you DD from your damaging delusions. They'll keep you in the sterilising sunlight.

Hateloggingin · 29/03/2017 21:11

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Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 29/03/2017 21:12

I've looked up trauma bonding. Weird how the mind can work.
Instead of just saying 'I'm stronger' like a broken record I can give a good example today. We were unpacking at the new place after school and he started to roll up (just a normal cig) on the carpet in the front room Infont of dd and I said very firmly he couldn't do that inside so he said he'd go to the porch where it's Lino and I said no you do it outside always and I don't want dd to see you smoking. He did what i asked without argument. That conversation just wouldn't have even started last year. It's my home and I felt happy asserting myself and he respected that. That is all growth from us both.

OP posts:
Hateloggingin · 29/03/2017 21:14

RunRabbit - my friends mother was abused physical calmly emotionally sexually by her husband (my friends father). My friend has just left her own abusive husband who physically emotionally and sexually abused her. Her 10 year old daughter saw it all and is already broken. Will she break the cycle? I truly doubt it Sad

Hateloggingin · 29/03/2017 21:15

shame on you op, shame on you

SeaEagleFeather · 29/03/2017 21:15

I am thinking Mumsnet needs to warn here about posters not getting too drawn in.

This is only an internet forum, if someone wants to delude themselves no one can really challenge that.

Sometimes you can't do anything. Better to step away than to get upset over something that you can't influence.

ohforgoodnessake · 29/03/2017 21:17

SeaEagleFeather

Agreed, I'm out.

Hateloggingin · 29/03/2017 21:17

SeaEagle - very good point, thank you. Actually shaking with anger over this poor child. Will hide thread.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 29/03/2017 21:17

I agree sea. I'm not going to respond to some posts because o don't want people to get further upset and I don't want to be drawn into confrontation even online.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 29/03/2017 21:19

That's fine, Red - he went outside to smoke.

That's pretty normal conversation, I guess.

But until he has consistently proved to you that he'll no longer let DD see him smoke- consistently, over months- then it means nothing.

NOT YET.

It might, in the future. But it means nothing YET.

Change your mind. It's allowed, it's reasonable, it's responsible.

Bluntness100 · 29/03/2017 21:19

This is such a sad thread. I remember your last threads and the horrible time you and your child were having. And here we are a few weeks later. And it's the story every woman in this sitatuon makes,,,but he's changed, but I love him., but he loves me. In a few weeks, of course he has.

It's always the same story and it always , always ends the same.

PacificDogwod · 29/03/2017 21:21

Don't give ONE normal, civil interaction more importance that it deserves.

Friendly discourse is normal in health relationships.

Do you really want to have to be alert to his every move all of the time??

I'm out to.
Everything that one can possibly say has been said here.
I can understand some posters frustration.

V best of luck to you and your DD Thanks

skerrywind · 29/03/2017 21:22

I'm out too.

It's not a case of whether social services get involved it's when.
And lets hope it's sooner rather than later.

OP you will end up losing this child.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 29/03/2017 21:26

So he hasnt even moved back in yet but was in your house rolling up in front of your daughter and you think he has changed?

Youve obviously made you mind up to let him move home. It will damage your daughter. He will damage you even further. This is so incredibly selfish i could weep for your daughter.

MargeryFenworthy · 29/03/2017 21:28

I read many of your original posts and found them terribly upsetting. Your DD...the poor little girl. It says something that your posts are amongst the most depressing and upsetting that I have seen on Mumsnet. Your husband is abusive, selfish and violent. If you think this makes him an ideal father you need to take a long hard look at your priorities. Put your little girl first. She deserves so much more than a waster of a father and a mother who is putting his needs ahead of a vulnerable child.

NoSquirrels · 29/03/2017 21:31

Red, "you're not afraid to kick him out if he's damaging the new life you've fought for" AND "your therapist will have a duty to report you to SS if he moves in".

If the first statement is true, then you need to act on it. Otherwise your therapist will, and then you'll have lost the power and the decision-making.

Be the strongest you can be and tell him not yet.

PersianCatLady · 29/03/2017 21:34

I have had to not read a lot of this thread because basically the OP wasn't prepared to do anything other than let this man move in with her.

Why do some women put the wants of useless and unreliable men over and above what their own children need.

Sick, absolutely sick.

DioneTheDiabolist · 29/03/2017 21:35

If you're "not afraid to kick him out", how come you're afraid to stick to tell him to meet your conditions before he moves in?Confused

UnbornMortificado · 29/03/2017 21:35

I'm not going to give you any crap, you know what I put my DD's and myself through in regards to ex-arsehole.

I can't sit and watch you get hurt or worse so I'm out too pet.

I wish you and your DD the best as always Flowers

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/03/2017 21:36

I know what you mean logg and sea

I did a little sick in my mouth when I read that unpacking story from red.

red I'm no psychiatrist but you won't stop being angry and self harming until you stop hating yourself and you won't stop hating yourself until you stop doing hateful things and letting DD be in hateful situations.

You took time and emotional energy from us. It was freely given so, me, I'm fine with that.

Now I know that all the time you were posting about whether to back out of him moving in, you were unpacking boxes with him and he was casually skinning up in front of a toddler. This was your example of how things are totally fine now.

My heart breaks for your poor child. I'm out.