My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

scared*

You're not a different person. Nor is he. That's a complete self delusion. You have worked on your issues part of the way and he has worked on his issues a very small way. You're both still the same people you ever were.

Yes you have been strong but you need to carry on being strong and make him fucking work to win you back! Make him keep the promises he's made. You hold all the cards here remember. This is your time to call the shots. If you let him move back in now, things will go back to how they were.

These are the conditions:
It has to be 6 months.
He has to be fair financially
He had to be fair to his daughter financially
He has to go to therapy.

If - and it's a big if - he can stick to those conditions, then he gets to live with you again.

If you are - as you say - focused on your DD, that's what you'll do. IF.

Yes, you have been very strong and well done to that
The trick is now to keep that up.

You are under no obligation to post; this is your thread and you can do with it whatever you want.

Give it more time.
The onus is on him to prove himself, not on you to watch out for his behaviour. HE has to commit to becoming a safe partner and father to your DD. You have already proven that you can change things.

That's where you're wrong OP. You are not focused on your DD whatsoever, and that is why your DD needs safeguarding. It's all about him. Then you. And her last. It's all so wrong .

You are not focused on your DD. You say that you will kick him out if he damages the life you've worked so hard for. You seem to contemplate that this might be a possibility (which of course it is based on the fact that he hasn't changed in any meaningful way)

Have you even thought about what that will be like for your child to go through again and maybe when she's older and her school friends comment on how she smells, you can't have her friends round for tea, she witnesses her Dad in a state or being abusive to her Mum (or her). But that's ok because you'll just kick him out again - no harm done???

*Breaking up with him and leaving London was the best thing for all of us.

For the first time in so long I'm actually happy and able to give dd the sort of upbringing she deserves.*

You have said it yourself.

If it's been so difficult and nearly killed you, why are you risking things going badly again by DH moving in when he hasn't done any of the things you wanted him to do? Why put yourself under that pressure?

We can all see you're not putting your daughter first. And I note you haven't answered my questions about whether you told anyone about his violence towards you, including your therapist.

Now have read all of this. And some of the previous info.

He was depressed. Probably still is.

He won't change.

Your daughter is better with him like this rather than getting back into how he was.

Your therapist isn't worried about the pot. She doesn't think you're making decisions based on the well-being of your daughter. She thinks if you're having him back after what's happened then you're not fit to be making the decisions.

She wants to protect your daughter from the kind of situation that arose before.

She wants you also to want that and to understand what that means - it means not having him back. But you aren't there yet. Are you?

You say you've never been so strong op but listen to yourself;
It's too late to back out
You feel anxious asking him about money
You think that stopping therapy or lying would be preferable to facing the consequences of your decision
You won't demand he stop smoking
You won't force the therapy issue
He hasn't changed at all this is just the cycle of abuse. He's nicer to you and full of promises to reel you back in and once his feet are back under the table again he'll start smoking a bit more, withdrawing from the relationship and abusing you. Btw he wasn't abusing you because he's an addict or was depressed. He's abusing you because he's an abusive cunt.
You won't do anything to stop it either because you have already invited him back to live with you even though he's still using, still refusing to support his daughter, still not working and refusing to go to therapy.

Oh ffs it's you again.

Stop enabling this drug addict and put that little girl first for once, not just for a few weeks or months but long term.

How many more times???

No ellie non of my family or my therapist know about that. I told some of his family but they're cool with it because 'he wasn't in a good place'.

And a list of conditions - it will mean nothing if he comes back and it gets bad again. Nothing.

You are too weak to be around him. He is too fucked up to be around your daughter.

You have said yourself how much better you are without him there. And how much better he is. Don't have any illusions about what will happen when he comes back.

I think the only way is if he goes to therapy. He has to do that.

but they're cool with it because 'he wasn't in a good place'.

? And what if he isn't in that good place again?

WHY RISK IT?

You're taking a huge risk, on behalf of yourself and your dd, by taking him back. I know you won't admit this, but you are.

What risk is he taking?

None.

You've nearly killed yourself to get to where you are. You've done brilliantly. You and your dd are happy. What's he done?

Nothing.

Still a pot head.
Still job less.
Still sofa surfing.
Still playing at being a dad when it suits him.
Not having therapy.
Not taking you seriously.
Not being financially fair or responsible.

You have a great future ahead of you. He just wants to come along for the easy ride and then take you down. He's a waste of space and you deserve better. Your dd certainly does.

It isn't even about him is it? It is all about a dream. A dream of having a loving happy family all pulling together, mutual respect and support, snuggling, smiling and playing. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

What's your dream day one in the flat? Maybe on the day you move in he will unpack everything while you have a rest, he will let you know that he has set up a standing order to your account for half of the rent, he will go to the supermarket and stock the fridge and cupboards, cook dinner, tuck DD into bed then you and he will have a cup of tea in the garden. He won't smoke because he won't need to self medicate around you and DD.

Is that how it will be? What do you think it will be like?

Your dd is happy and thriving since you kicked your DH out. Why do you care so little for her that you'd thrust her back into that situation and force her to live with that druggie loser again?

he wasn't in a good place

That's a bunch of enablers making excuses. How fucking dare they. What if he'd killed you? You'd have been in a really good place then. And where would your dd have been?

I've been in bad places during my life. I've never taken drugs, smashed things up, been violent towards people. They're as bad as him.

You haven't told your family because then they'd be giving you the advice we are. You want to be with him, you want them to like/love him. But it's hard to like your son-in-law, brother-in-law, whatever he is to them, when you know he's a violent thug who's a danger to his own child.

I'd actually assumed that your therapist knew he'd been violent and that was part of the reason she was saying she'd need to report you to social services. The fact that she doesn't know and still thinks a referral to SS is appropriate is fairly telling, don't you think?

@RunRabbitRunRabbit may i just say how amazing your posts on here have been?

When are you planning to tell your therapist about the time he attacked you, tried to strangle you and blamed you for it?

How could you not have mentioned that? It was fundamental to your decision to leave.

What bollocks have you been telling your therapist red ?

Actually, now your mad opening post makes sense. You are systematically lying to people including your therapist so they don't challenge your delusions.

You told lies on this thread at the start and asked us to help you maintain the fiction on the thread.

That's why it seemed logical to you to lie about DH moving back in. Lying is what you do. The truth is unbearable for you.

My mother is a bit like you I think. Different delusions about reality but still, she can't tell the difference between reality and her fantasy life. Well, obviously she can because she systematically lies to pretty much everyone. She's a joke. Everyone can see so clearly that what she says is true cannot possibly be true.

She has 4 children. We avoid her. I last saw her about 2 years ago at a family wedding. I felt no love. She's a liar.

It could have been different but she protected her fantasy above all else, including me.

Ah well, there's none so blind as those that will not see.

I hope you find the strength to start being a truthful person who lives in the light.

We just hadn't got round to talking about it yet. It's been more focused on my anger and self harm issues ( which is another story). I've said as much as 'the night I decided to leave he behaved unacceptably' but she hasn't asked and I haven't gone into detail yet. I've only had a few sessions.

You are right that I lie though. I've become an expert lier especially toward my family. Fantasy is so much nicer. My posts on here are me at my most honest and it's hard to take the criticism that comes with it.

My mum lives in a pleasent fantasy world too. When I was at my worst in hospital she couldn't handle it and only wanted good news which I couldn't give.

I'm worried now that this thread will send you even more completely into his arms. That 'the whole world is against us' mentality which will further romanticise the picture you've painted in your head will do nothing but strengthen your determination to allow him back into your home and your life. Or you could face reality and accept that the world is against you and him as a couple because it is wrong. Wrong for you, wrong for him (because it does not allow him time to beat his addiction) and, most importantly, wrong for DD, the most innocent and most vulnerable person in this whole sorry, depressing, predictable tale. Please wake up Red, this is a disaster waiting to happen.

OP, you need to put your daughter's health and safety first going forward.

This thread is a car crash in the waiting - please think of her, she is the innocent one in all this and deserves the first consideration.

Take someone you trust with you to tell your partner he won't be moving in with you.

This is real life, not a fantasy in your head - be a grown up and take responsibility for your child's welfare. There is a chance things could go horribly wrong - can you not see that?

Sorry for the blunt words but what it will take for you to see sense ?