My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

People who know us are happy we are getting back together.

So you are getting back together? Even though social services will be involved? Honestly, you need to put your child first in this. He's been a really dreadful influence on both you and your child and you're now bringing him back into the family home. Those social workers will have a hell of a job with you, won't they?

He is getting high every night. He has not stopped taking drugs. There is no change. You are both minimising this. I remember your previous posts. Protect your child and yourself.

I am absolutely begging you to listen to RunRabbitRunRabbit

you haven't moved in yet, to a place that is entirely in your name, you are completely entitled to say "i have changed my mind, I would like to give it a little while longer". If he is worth keeping in your life, he will understand that, especially as it was your choice to invite him in the first place.
The fact that you don't seem capable of saying that makes me worry you will struggle to standup to him about anything else.

You say he has already changed, great. But by your own admission he is already dragging his heels about one of your clauses, therapy. That should be ringing enormous alarm bells. You are "on at him daily" already and he hasn't done anything about it. Something as easy and as simple as that.

I'd forgotten you'd started the thread about your little girl swearing in the park.

Look, Red, splitting up was good for your DD, who has grown and flourished.

It was good for your 'D'H, as it made him reduce his addictive behaviour.

It was good for you, as you feel 'so much stronger' now.

Separation is working for all of you.

The friends and family who think getting back together is lovely - are they just looking at his superficial charm and blagging? Would they be the ones with their own little set of addictions?

Don't do it.

It would be a stupid move.

You have a normal life, you can sit drinking tea watching your child play, get her involved with cooking, go out on walks together. Honestly, get a puppy or kitten if you feel your family is incomplete. You invite this man back into your home, and normality goes out the window.

I'm going to have to hide the thread; it's too painful to read.

Before I go, red, I'm just going to tell you one thing: he will never commit to therapy. Never, ever. He might halfheartedly go to one session. Maybe three, tops. Then there will be an excuse, engineered or manufactured, why he can't go to the next one. He has to work. The therapist just doesn't understand. The therapist might report him for those two tiny spliffs. He just needs a break, why are you being so hard on him?

Why not just say that he can't move in until he is IN therapy, and has done at least four sessions? That's not even such a high bar to set. If he had really, really changed, wouldn't he be desperate to get into therapy? To get support with never acting like that again? Wouldn't he be horrified at the terrible things he did to you and DD? DH and I had a bad moment once, years ago, when a joke went very wrong. Nothing to the level of what your DH has done to you, but I wasn't impressed. I told him he had to go to therapy. He agreed unquestioningly. And he went, straightaway. It benefited him a lot. If your DH had changed, he would go.

I desperately, desperately hope you are right that he has changed massively. I don't believe it for a second, but it's clearly all there is left to hope for, other than that you are promptly referred to SS and receive their support. I hope they keep DD safe.

So, you've asked him to go to therapy and told him it's really important to you.

And he won't do it.

You've asked him to give some money towards DD's needs instead of spending it on drugs.

And he won't do that either.

So why on earth do you think giving him a set of keys to your house is going to magically change him?

He is already prioritising himself and his addiction above what you and DD want and need. It is within his power to change that. It isn't within yours to change him, and all the wishing in the world won't make it so.

When was the last time you went to Al-Anon?

Have you done the Freedom Programme yet?

What's your hurry? Are you scared of living alone in the new flat? Is it too real?

I'm sorry whimsey. This change in events doesn't mean that I'm turning my back on all the advice you and so many others gave me last year. I acted on it and haven't felt as calm, happy and strong as I do now for years. Breaking up with him and leaving London was the best thing for all of us. I just feel change has happend quicker than I thought it would and it feels right to be moving forward like this.

For the first time in so long I'm actually happy and able to give dd the sort of upbringing she deserves.
I'm ready to slow him back into our live because it feels right.

I've done the freedom programme but I didn't like alanon. Everyone was much older and they didn't seem to talk about problems and seemed to talk more about how cold the hall was and who was going to do the tea and biscuits after the Christmas break. It drove me mad!!

I looked round this house excited to be living alone with dd. Then I got sick and I can't do much without needing a rest. I admit part of it is because he'll be useful to have around.

But Red, HE HASN'T CHANGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am thrilled you feel stronger and that things for your DD are going better and that he may have made tiny steps along the path of improving, but that's all they are. Tiny steps.

He has not paid you massive amounts of money he owes you and you are unable to discuss it with him.

He has not gone to therapy as per your requests and stipulations for moving in.

He is still buying and consuming drugs on a daily basis and has openly said he is not going to stop.

So... he still uses drugs daily , is unemployed, refuses therapy and doesn't pay a cent towards supporting his child.

But he.... dealt with the landlord and got back half the bond after trashing the flat, buys his daughter the occasional ice cream and was nice to you when you were sick.

There's a low bar, bare Fucking minimum and about nine miles below that is what you settle for.

He hasn't done a single thing to change and improve, he's just slightly less awful than he was a mere four months ago.

If I knew you, I'd report you to SS. You're addicted to an abusive relationship. Look at the way you jusyify and excuse it.

The sqirming out of therapy thing is driving me mad. I'm happy to pay for it but he won't do it. Ow and when I talk about next month he said he'll have to see if he can fit it in around work. I'm not stupid and know what he's trying to do.

So hold him accountable?
He knows you won't force the issue so he's not going to bother
He knows how to manipulate you so easily and you're letting him

Tell him he can't move in until he's done 6 therapy sessions. Not that hard

If he really cares and wants to be with you he will do it. If not, you know what his priorities really are

Even if you don't care about the drug use and everything else, the minimum he should be doing BEFORE moving back in is being in paid work, have paid you back the deposit HE lost and going REGULARLY to therapy. These are not big requests and if he has changed and if he wants to be in yours and your DD's lives, it's the very least he can do.

If the house is too much to manage tell the agent. You'll lose your deposit and a bit if money but odds are moving in with him will cost you an awful lot more

Stay with your mum until you're well enough to look after yourself. If he manages to sort himself out he can move in later but until then why commit yourself to what will definitely destroy you

You are basically saying my DH was a useless alcoholic drug addict so I threw him out. It's ok now though because he only uses illegal Drugs every night these days.

How can you not see that this is a safeguarding concern? Social services may or may not contact or advise you but your therapist has a duty to report it.

If you suddenly stop therapy it will be really obvious that he's moved In and you don't want to talk about it. Your therapist may also think he has stopped you seeing her because she doesn't think it's a good idea for you to move him in.

Please keep seeing the therapist. He isn't clean and heartache lies ahead. I know someone whose heart is breaking right now because her supposedly sober husband decided to "just have the odd one". It's escalated and she's thrown him out. Her
Story is far from an isolated incident.

Overlooking something as frequent (and
Illegal) as a couple of spliffs a night won't end well. He is an addict. Please reconsider.

And I state this again - we're just a bunch of people on the internet. But your therapist, who is a paid professional, has raised huge concerns that include going so far as to get SS involved. That alone should make you take a step back from moving him in.

in my opinion, id think that I couldnt be honest with the therapist anymore and she had lost my trust. I certainly wouldnt be opening up to her anymore, she sounds quite judgemental. I would find another therapist and start afresh and be careful how you disclose stuff that you dont want people to judge you on.
I, like you, dont see the point of a therapist you cant be honest with, and her threatening you with social services for the sake of your partner having a smoke in the evening, is really shit

"I would feel totally happy with the idea of dh looking after her solo for a month. Not before but now yes."

This is why SS needs to be involved. You believe leaving a child alone with someone who is stoned every night is fine.

Read the thread, Branleuse.

That's kind of how I thought this thread would go bran. I was so shocked. We're only a few sessions in and I haven't gone into much detail about the relationship yet so she's basing it on very little detail.
i feel like I can't fully open up anymore.