My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

How far into his therapy is he? Have you met the therapist yet?

Has he made any statement yet to say that he knows it is wrong to spend money on luxury drugs instead of on his daughter?

How ashamed is he of your family paying to keep DD while he spends money on his addiction? Has he offered to pay them back? How does he show his gratitude to them?

I thought your condition was 6 months? That can't possibly have been met in 3 months.

Just wait. Don't rush. I won't mention the history but you clearly need to not assume it will all be ok!

I'd at least set these criteria:
He must stop all drugs before moving in. Totally.
He must have found a job and held it down for 6 months
He must have attended therapy as an individual and also couples therapy with you

If he really cares about you and if you really care about your daughter then you will set those absolute bare minimum standards

ifnotnow I did answer and truthfully they'd be absolutely fine.

He really dragging his heels about getting therapy. I'm on at him daily saying that this has to happen and I'm not just going to forget about it if his leaves it long enough.

4 months. It's been almost 4 months now. And she's 3 not 5.

I know OP, I x posted with you.
I am glad you think he would step up, but I agree with ALL other posters, that before even thinking about him moving in again he would need to:

1. Stop all drug use
2. start paying child support
3. Pay you back the money he owes
4. Attend NA or AA regularly
5. maintain a job for at least 6 months.

Its possible that given another 6 months, and with continuing therapy you would feel quite differently about him anyway.
There is no rush. Are you worried some other woman will snap him up if you don't take him back?
Because he is such a catch ?...

Here what you say "I've talked to my therapist and it has made me realise that we should stick to the original plan of living separately for six months. I shouldn't have given you conflicting messages. I am sorry for any confusion.

In three months time, you will be settled into your new job and be used to sharing the costs of child support again. I will be back at work and established in the new flat. We will both be in a good place to start seeing if we can live together successfully without falling back into bad habits. "

Are you going to let him move in with you before he starts therapy?

He's not ashamed that my family have helped so much. Not am I.
The love me and they know him very well and still love him too. People who know us are happy we are getting back together.

So at the moment, when everything is so much better and he's on his very best behaviour:

-He won't get therapy
-He is still using weed and therefore
-He isn't paying for his daughter
-He is unemployed

Not impressed, sorry.

How many therapy sessions does he have to do before you let him move back?

DD is 3, of course. That's a lovely age. Hard work! They are such little sponges.

Has she stopped swearing and hitting now you are away? Has he taken her to the park without smoking weed and ignoring her since you split?

How much do two spliffs cost a day? And why does he think his need for that money comes before his daughter's?

No I'm not worried he'll get snapped up! I want to live with him and have some of the normal life I've been dreaming of. Sitting together drinking tea in the garden watching dd play, do bit of diy, cook and play games together, all three of us. Go out for walks that don't involve feeling embarrassed of his behaviour. Just a normal life that I haven't had yet and I think we could have now.

She doesn't swear at all now and is less angry. She's changing everyday and it's beautiful to see.

He isn't ashamed of spending money on weed while your parents pay for his child's food. Wow.

It's not too late Red, say exactly what Run says, if he truly wants the best for you and your DD he will be fine about it. If you find you can't even have that conversation with him I think that proves you haven't built up your ability to stand up to him anywhere near enough to live with him again.

Why are you having to go on at him? If it's a condition of moving in together he should be racing to do it and show you how much he's changed. Because he knows like you do, you will forget about it if he waits long enough. He'll get his foot back in the door and they'll be noting you can do about it. You won't get him out again, you'll be stuck in the same position as you beers just a few months ago.

Yes, he's taken her out solo loads of times with nothing but an ice cream to share. He'd never act like he used to, especially around her.

I had that dream too Red, I knew if he could just stick to his 'true self' we could have that happy easy going life. I didn't want much, just a bit of 'normality' exactly like you describe. I could see us and the dc living that life.

My therapist helped me to see that with him that will never happen. You are imaging a life that YOU want, it's not the life you have. He isn't that man. You can live with him and raise your dd with him but he has already shown you who he is. People don't change that much especially not in a few months. You will not have that life. That doesn't mean you can't live with him but it has to be an informed choice. You choose to live with him and except him as he is, smoking weed, prioritising weed money over your dd. Waiting for him to financially support you when he decides rather than making him make you a priority.

That's fine, it's a choice and you are free to make it. But don't go into it thinking you'll have a cosy happy little life with him. That's not who he is, that's not one of your choices.

So keep her in the good environment!

Let him do his therapy. Looking after a 3 year old while recovering from drug addiction will make it horribly hard for him.

Why are you trying to force him back into exactly the same living situation that resulted in him behaving so badly? Why can't you leave him in the circumstances that are causing him to improve? Why would you take that risk with DDs well being.

You gonna ask him to buy DD some shoes instead of weed?

Yes, you want the dream family. You are delusional if you believe he can give you that.

He will not change permanently. Surely you can see how naive you are being?!

The drug use will creep back up, the abuse will too.

Drug and alcohol issues do not make people abusive. He is abusive because he wants to be. If he was serious about changing then he would be abstinent. He isn't. He won't do any of the things he has said he will do once you let him move back in, because why would he need to?

Continue with the therapy and don't let him move back in. I can see why your therapist wants to make the referral. Because she knows he will not change and your poor DD will be plunged back into the dire situation you have only just got her out of.

Prioritise your DD and let him sort himself out properly. And do the freedom programme too so you don't get sucked back in again.

Good luck

It's nice that you are considering homing an angry, violent, financially selfish, drug addicted manchild.I'm sure your dream of sitting drinking tea in the garden will come true immediately.

Meanwhile back in real life.... I will add my name to the list of people BEGGING you to put the brakes on. Ask yourself what it means when hundreds of complete strangers are taking time out of their day to write these messages imploring you to think again. Including people who have been in your shoes and come out the other side.

These are wise women - take the guidance they are freely offering.

Why do you want drugs around your child?

So you've already decided to get back together? Do your family know that he smashed up your flat and was violent towards you?

He thinks of his spliffs as medicine?

You deserve the life you dream of, cups of tea in the garden, watching dd play. You need to end this relationship and move on. You deserve a partner who doesn't spend money on drugs leaving his family with inadequate clothing.

Please don't go back to this dribbling arsehole of a man.

Just read the bits saying she used to go to preschool smelling of weed. And the aggressive behaviour. It is awful that you would place her in that situation again. You are responsible for her being in that situation too you know. I.e. It isn't just your husband who has been neglecting her needs.

You should be proud of yourself for finding the strength to move on from him because it isn't easy. But for gods sake don't go back!