Confused by this invite. Should I except?

[Ruby2202]

Basically I ve had a friend who I considered my best friend since uni, so 14 years now. Once we were very close and would see each other regularly and got on extremely well. We ve had holidays together and when we met our dhs couple holidays. She was my bridesmaid.

However, over the years I ve realised she probably doesn't regard me as her best friend. I wasn't chosen as her bridesmaid (she got married before me) or dcs godparents. I felt sad about this but excepted she had childhood friends she felt closer too.

However, since having dcs the length of time between meet ups began to get longer and longer. It felt like I was making all the effort but when we did see each other we got on very well and it was like we hadn't been apart. We would text every so often but phone calls to her were left unanswered. I told myself this means we are good friends as those are the kind of best friends. However, over the last couple of years the gap has widened even more. There is absolutely no effort her side despite only living 45 mins away. Texts to her were answered with one word answers and she couldn't come to ds birthday party and no mention of a meet up instead. I made the effort to travel 45 mins there and back to her ds party but not much of a welcome or a thank you message or card for coming. No mention of a meet up when chatting and a casual bye when I left.

So I decided the friendship had probably fizzled out and decided I wasn't prepared for it to be so one sided. 7 months has passed with no contact whatsoever.

I was upset by this as she's my last long standing friend and it took a while to get my feelings sorted in my head, accept the situation and move on. I don't have many friends so it was a big loss.

So, today I get a text inviting us to an important event for her dd. It's obviously a generic text to a few people but no hi, been a long time, how are you? But it does say they are only inviting a few people to this event and only people who they and dd are closest to. It says they really would love us to come and it would mean a lot to them.

I am really confused and don't know if we should go or not. How can she consider us close to her when we have no contact for 6 months at a time? We have no idea what's going on in each other's lives. I ve only met her dd once since birth and she's only met my dd once in two years! I ve just gotten my head around letting this friendship go, which took awhile, and now this.

Dh thinks we should go as she obviously values the friendship afterall, but it doesn't feel like it. I know she's busy working full time as a teacher with two dcs but still how long does a quick text/call take? She has school holidays free but we never meet up anymore. He feels it's just a period where life's got in the way and then once dcs get bigger I will probably see her more. He thinks my expectations are too high. I get what he's saying and perhaps he's right with how it might be in the future but I don't feel valued in the friendship we have anymore and it makes me feel upset so I have distanced myself from it. I don't want to open these feelings up again.

Would you accept the invite? I guess if I said no it really would be shutting the door on the friendship but I don't see the point of yearly invites to dcs parties when dcs barely know each other.

She obviously finds the time to make an effort with these other two friends. Why not me?

I don't think you do accept my point if you don't understand that its not about having time. It's about how she chooses to use her time, and she does not choose to spend it with you.
She's not wrong for that, because that is her choice to make.

Goodness, Ruby you are doubling down. When other posters said you sounded entitled and controlling, I thought that was rather unfair, but it really is apparent in your last post.
Friendships don't work on the rational, tit for tat basis that you seem to expect. I get that you are hurt, I would be too, but this kind of thinking is really blinkered and not helping you.

think I give myself to others far too much and try and be there for them a lot. I find this then isn't given back and I realise they don't feel as close to me as I thought we were

This viewpoint is SO skewed, but so common. You see yourself as giving and attentive and kind, they see you as intense and overbearing and can't possibly give you back what you think you give them, because its not what people generally want from friendships. It's far too much.
And then they can feel the weight of your disappointment because you want them to "give" as you do. And they don't want to be that intense, overinvolved friend that you are.

If its the same every time, you have to accept that the problem is not with everyone else. You are the common denominator. Until you truly accept that, you will keep on repeating.

User- I am trying to accept that. I don't think I have been intense and over bearing. Contact is infrequent and always initiated my me. I have contacted her after a few months via text or Facebook. I contacted her to wish her happy birthday, tell her my dd had been born and when I was pregnant tell her dd was a girl. I messaged her when I saw her dd was ill and I visited her when she had her dd and dh and I went over to dinner when we happened to be in her area. I am hardly on the phone to her every five minutes and constantly messaging her to meet up.

I guess I just don't understand why she doesn't want to make the effort after always having done.

Where have a shown I think friendships are tit for tat? That comment about not choosing to make time for me is hurtful. Thanks for that.

I guess I want to find out why she's chosen not to find time to contact me. There must be a reason and I do want to find out so I can change myself before it happens again.

Dh has suggested he talks to her dh. I am not sure though, it makes me look needy and would obviously get back to her. But I really would like to know the reason so I can address it with myself not her.

Sorry if I come across as entitled and self absorbed but I truely am not. I just struggle with friendships and want to try and find the answer to solving this problem so it doesn't happen in the future.

That's contact how it is NOW, but how was it before? Before it changed?

It's been like that 3/4 years I guess. I ve felt the effort is always on my part before that though, but she's acted like she cares when contact is made so i have accepted it.

Before 3/4 years ago I probably did mention how we hadn't seen each other for a while, I can't remember the exact words but not in an accusing way. There would be no argument. She would always say it was to do with x,y,z and then I d feel bad for mentioning it. She would say she will make more effort, off her own back though in conversation later on when we are leaving rather than because I am making her say it. She would say she values our friendship I would feel ok again for a while but then her actions wouldn't show that so would go back to feeling upset.

I probably did tell her how I was feeling a handful of times but am
I meant to just keep my feelings inside when I am feeling upset? She would say she hasn't spoken to x,y,z for x amount of time and how her dh says there will only ever be 1/2 people you could ring in the middle of the night who would drop everything for you. I suppose I thought I was one of those people and ditto.

The last time anything like that was mentioned was probably 2/3 years ago. Once I felt any contact I was making was one sided I stopped making the effort and we longer had conversations like that.

I think for most people the only people you can ring in the middle of the night who would be there for you are your spouse, and if you're very lucky a sibling.
You stopped having conversations like that because you stopped chasing her for contact and she didnt need to try and tell you to stop. It sounds like she was trying to communicate to you that she did want to be friends with you, but not in the intense way you were looking for. In a lighter, more normal, adult friendship way.

I'm not being flippant when I wonder if a generation of women who grew up watching things like Friends gained an entirely unrealistic notion of what it means to have friends.

I mentioned 'tit for tat' due to this:
"She obviously finds the time to make an effort with these other two friends. Why not me? I have spent a lot more time with and been there for her a lot more and have a lot more history with her than one of her choices."
ie I have spent more time with her and given her more support than this other friend, so I should get more of her attention in return.

Yes, ideally things would be more equal in give and take, but if for whatever reason she does not respond how you'd like, then you are not owed her attention or an explanation of why not. It's not a business contract.
The agony aunt Captain Awkward is really good on this kind of thing. Her website is worth browsing.

Obvs not my thread, but if the OP doesn't mind... I'm finding your posts really helpful user1493022461. Especially this:

"This viewpoint is SO skewed, but so common. You see yourself as giving and attentive and kind, they see you as intense and overbearing and can't possibly give you back what you think you give them, because its not what people generally want from friendships. It's far too much.
And then they can feel the weight of your disappointment because you want them to "give" as you do. And they don't want to be that intense, overinvolved friend that you are."

I can see myself in that. Why would someone get into that pattern though?

You don't know fully what's really going on, she may be too emotionally exhausted to be gushing or organised enough to make contact regularly. There are many many people I know that I long to see that I just don't because mentally, financially, life stage-wise I don't have any energy left for in a normal week, but if I were independently wealthy, healthy and time rich I would be visiting them all the time.

Don't lose touch fully, it sound like it would be a real shame
.

I'm glad AuntyElle because I really am trying to be helpful.

I can see myself in that. Why would someone get into that pattern though?

Any number of reasons. Quite often there is a difficult and unbalanced relationship with mother, for one thing. It's a spiral that you can unwittingly keep making worse by trying to make it better, if you can't break the idea that you deserve more from people.
It's not that you don't deserve good friendships, not at all, its more that you have got a skewed picture of what a good friendship looks like.

She makes am effort with the others and not you BECAUSE they are easier going/ have lower expectations. If she is busy and tired, she won't want the weight of your disapproval and expectation

If I may make a suggestion? Rather than ditching this friendship, perhaps you need to reclassify it? You think of her as your best friend. I don't think she feels the same. Maybe you need to reclassify her as an old school friend so your expectations of her decreases. Less contact but she has shown that she values you by inviting you to important events (I say this as a person who hasn't been invited to weddings etc which has meant the end of friendships). Likewise, you would lower your investment in the friendship to contact at birthdays but no messages asking how she is.

In the meanwhile you can start looking for friends that gave you the friendship that you want. So that way you build and maintain a social circle. People with lots of friends aren't best mates with all of them.

I think her one word texts are a bit off but maybe texts aren't her preferred method of communication. Maybe she is more of a face-to-face person.

With a few of my former friendships, in retrospect rather than ending the friendship, I wish I had downgraded them instead.

Thanks user and Anna. I am finding your posts useful too. Reading back what I have written and can see why it seemed needy and I can see why she might have retracted from me.

It s a viscous circle though isn't it? I was like that because I felt she didn't care but the more I brought it up I guess the more she retracted. I think you're right the other two friends who were god parents probably don't have the same expectations as me.

How do I get myself out of that spiral then but still have close friends? There's a fine line between acting too intense and having less expectations of a friendship so the other person makes more effort with you. In the past I ve definitely gone too far the other way and been seen as aloof or that I don't want people to ring me, don't have time for others and so people around me have got close friendships and I am on the outskirts or I am walked all over. I seem to get it wrong whichever side I go on and can't find the balance.

I definitely do have a certain view of how I want a friendship to be. I see others around me having those close sort of friendships though, so know they can be the 'norm' I question why others have them and I do not. I question why my friend is happy to have regular contact with another friend and lean on her in hard times and have this closer friendship with that person and not me?

Before when it wasn't one sided I think we did have a normal friendship. Because of the distance we saw each other sporadically and contact was time to time certainly not daily or even weekly. We saw each other at BBQ s, if we were in her home town and birthdays probably. We had a texting friendship rather than a phoning one. I didn't think I was being intense.

Lono- I think that's something I would have to do if the friendship continues. Right now though I am not sure. It hurts a lot that every other one of her long term friends has been involved in important events in her life except me now. That's a real kick in the teeth and a realisation of her feelings towards me. Even before these issues other friends were chosen as bridesmaids over me. I accepted that and moved on.

Well, the plot thickens. I ve just had a text asking if everything is ok. Sorry she didn't get to see me at x and hope dh family member is ok. I don't even know if I should reply to that or what to say. I am finding the whole thing so confusing. Just when I think the friendship is over and I am starting to accept we ve drifted apart, we re not close friends anymore I get contact from her. It makes it very hard to get myself out of this unhappy spiral with her.

Ah op. I've just read all your posts and I'm sorry, but you come across as needy and obsessed. You have certain expectations of people and if they do not meet these expectations then they will not be your friend. This I suspect is why you are finding yourself losing friends one by one.

You need them to show they care about you, to meet you every so often, to text you, prioriitse you, to call you and when they don't you explain to them how they have failed to meet your expectations as a friend. Then uou obsess over it. That's not a friendship many people want,

You keep asking on this thread if your expectations are too high, if it's you. And no matter how many people tell you yes, you're expectations are too high, you say "but are they" and explain how lovely a friend you are, how giving. It's all about you, your expectations and your needs. It's not about them. It's about what you wish. The christening was. It about you, yet you left in tears because what? You couldn't be happy for them? All you could see is envy you weren't a god parent?

You've done this all your life and you will either need to seek help in the form of councilling and be able to be more on a develop friendships or accept that you have unreasonable expectations that drive people away.

Your husband told you it. Your sister told you it. The forum has told uou it. I'm not sure you are listening because uou are so focused on your own needs.

Op, did you walk out after the christening and not go to thr event afterwards because others had a key role and you didn't?

Please tell me that's not what you did.

Blunt- what a load of tosh. You misread me big time. I won't bother reading your post properly as it's just nasty and not helpful.

Yes you should reply to the text.
There is no spiral except in your head. She sees you as a close friend but not a best friend. That doesn't appear to have changed. If you enjoy her company, I'm not sure why you would prefer to ditch the friendship rather than embrace it on those terms.

I don't get how she can see me as a close friend. Before this event we hadn't had any contact for almost a year, I get one word replies to my messages and we know nothing about each other's lives. She never suggests meeting up ever. I don't think she cares about me.

I feel like she wants me to hang around for a non friendship where she dips in and out when she likes. Currently I get nothing out of the friendship. If I reply it will be meeting up at dcs parties and big events and that's it. I just don't see the point. The friendship makes me upset.

Leave the friendship then, if that is what you want to do, but I agree with blunt. It might not be what you want to hear, but that is how it appears from an outside prespecttive

Your behaviour at the christening was not good. It's not reasonable to be so jealous and leave. That isn't how you react when you are a good friend

I also would suggest councilling

OP - do you work full time outside the home?

I think you need to get away from the idea that your idea of friendship is the right one and hers is wrong. A light dip in and out friendship is a perfectly valid one. If that doesn't suit you, that is completely fine, you make your own boundaries and choices, but you have to acknowledge that it isn't wrong of her to want that kind of friendship, especially as the change occurred when she had children.

Your way isn't the only way, or the right way. If you don't see any value in the friendship she is offering, don't accept it, and move on. But if you take with you the notion that she has done something TO you, that you are an injured party, you will take that into any future friendships, or current ones, and you it will affect those for the worse.

For comparison OP, I have known my best friend for 26 years. Neither of us attended each other's weddings. We are no godparents for each other's children. We can go months without speaking. I don't have any doubts about the strength or importance of our friendship at all