Confused by this invite. Should I except?

[Ruby2202]

Basically I ve had a friend who I considered my best friend since uni, so 14 years now. Once we were very close and would see each other regularly and got on extremely well. We ve had holidays together and when we met our dhs couple holidays. She was my bridesmaid.

However, over the years I ve realised she probably doesn't regard me as her best friend. I wasn't chosen as her bridesmaid (she got married before me) or dcs godparents. I felt sad about this but excepted she had childhood friends she felt closer too.

However, since having dcs the length of time between meet ups began to get longer and longer. It felt like I was making all the effort but when we did see each other we got on very well and it was like we hadn't been apart. We would text every so often but phone calls to her were left unanswered. I told myself this means we are good friends as those are the kind of best friends. However, over the last couple of years the gap has widened even more. There is absolutely no effort her side despite only living 45 mins away. Texts to her were answered with one word answers and she couldn't come to ds birthday party and no mention of a meet up instead. I made the effort to travel 45 mins there and back to her ds party but not much of a welcome or a thank you message or card for coming. No mention of a meet up when chatting and a casual bye when I left.

So I decided the friendship had probably fizzled out and decided I wasn't prepared for it to be so one sided. 7 months has passed with no contact whatsoever.

I was upset by this as she's my last long standing friend and it took a while to get my feelings sorted in my head, accept the situation and move on. I don't have many friends so it was a big loss.

So, today I get a text inviting us to an important event for her dd. It's obviously a generic text to a few people but no hi, been a long time, how are you? But it does say they are only inviting a few people to this event and only people who they and dd are closest to. It says they really would love us to come and it would mean a lot to them.

I am really confused and don't know if we should go or not. How can she consider us close to her when we have no contact for 6 months at a time? We have no idea what's going on in each other's lives. I ve only met her dd once since birth and she's only met my dd once in two years! I ve just gotten my head around letting this friendship go, which took awhile, and now this.

Dh thinks we should go as she obviously values the friendship afterall, but it doesn't feel like it. I know she's busy working full time as a teacher with two dcs but still how long does a quick text/call take? She has school holidays free but we never meet up anymore. He feels it's just a period where life's got in the way and then once dcs get bigger I will probably see her more. He thinks my expectations are too high. I get what he's saying and perhaps he's right with how it might be in the future but I don't feel valued in the friendship we have anymore and it makes me feel upset so I have distanced myself from it. I don't want to open these feelings up again.

Would you accept the invite? I guess if I said no it really would be shutting the door on the friendship but I don't see the point of yearly invites to dcs parties when dcs barely know each other.

Update if everyone's interested.

Bit of a disaster really. I went to the event and all was fine. Here's where I might be being very silly and over sensitive but I couldn't help but get upset.

During the event two of my friends friends also from uni were there and it turns out both of them had a significant role in the event. I was expecting one of them as I know my friend and her have got close recently but not the other. I instantly felt upset and had to put a smile on my face for the rest of that part of the event.

I wasn't expecting a key role in the event and as I said was surprised to get an invite but I was so shocked that one of these friends had a key role. It felt like another kick in the teeth. Each of my friends friends from school/uni who she's good friends have had a significant roles in her marriage or events involving children except me! It really upset me and I suppose really hit home that she doesn't view the friendship like I do and really doesn't value our friendship at all.

From what she tells me she hasn't spoken to this other friend for over s year and told me their lives are very different and they've moved apart. I saw on Facebook other friend was visiting her a while ago and the suddenly she's got a significant role in this celebration! Dh thinks my friend hasn't been honest with how much effort she makes with other friends as she makes zero with me.

Once we got in the car I got very upset and did have a cry. We were meant to go to an after party but I just didn't feel up to it. I felt what s the point? It's not like she's going to change snd she's made her feelings pretty clear. This was this morning and no contact from friend to see if we re ok and to say sorry didn't even get to chat. I feel that's the final straw now.

Was I right to get so upset though and not go to the after party?

I feel so down. This happens to me time and time again. It's a pattern and there's something wrong about with me. It's the same story, people aren't bothered by me. She was my only friend from way back and it's hard to let go. I feel like I need some therapy to work out what's wrong with me as this happens so many times in previous friendships and current ones.

So you went to ?the Christening, found out that one of your other friends was a godmother and buggered off home after the service, without going to the party?

And are upset that she hasn't got in touch to check that you're OK?

I think that is pretty odd behaviour even if you are upset that you've drifted apart.

Heebie- if you'd read my original post properly or knew the history it wouldn't seem so strange. It's been bubbling for some time. Dh understands why I would be upset.

We messaged the couple and made a very valid excuse about an ill family member which was actually true. So if that was me I think I would have messaged atleast to say sorry didn't get to chat as we didn't even speak other than a hello, and Hope family member is ok.

I would honestly leave it now, she's not a true friend and doesn't value you at all. I'm sorry she's made you feel so bad

OP you got your answer, sadly.
Life can be a bitch.

Always- yes I know and yes I will leave it now.

I just don't know what's wrong with me. This happens to me time and time again.

There's nothing wrong with you. This says nothing about you and a lot about her. Forget her and move on

Loo- I d agree if it was a one off but I now literally have no long term friends now. The ones I do have now are through dh or I have to make 100% of the effort, except one.

I ve always had problems with friendships. I remember a conversation with my mum when at primary school that people aren't bothered by me, I make all the effort. 30 years later it's still the she. I am tired.

Ruby, I think you need to work on your self esteem. I have friends who I don't see for one year to the next. Don't put all your eggs in one basket and try not to invest so heavily. Most people are busy nowadays and it is very hard to stay in contact with friends.

I get that but she's obviously not too busy to make an effort with these other friends.

She's a teacher so not working in the holidays but never bothers to contact me to arrange a meet up.

You're right though, I do invest too much when others aren't invested in me. I don't know how to turn that around.

Dc starts school in sept and I am dreading it now with the other school mums. Especially After reading some of the posts on here. I know I will be the one who's left out of the group cliques all over again.

Ruby, just be yourself and if people don't like you for what you are they are not worth having. Join some clubs or start a new activity/hobby.

Pilates- I do try and live by that. I don't think it's that people don't like me I think they're just 'muh ' about me. They're happy to meet up with me if they're free but don't prioritise me. They're take it or leave it with me. I can't seem to get past an a casual friend to a closer friend.
Dh thinks I am not caring enough and in my own bubble too much. That's definitely true in the past.

Oh dear. I am like your friend. I don't do hard work needy people for leisure purposes. I have enough of them in my work. I want friends to be easy come easy go, happy go lucky. I don't think you're like that. That's fine, but not everyone can possibly put up with it

Tiger- well we ve been friends for 12 years plus so she knows my faults! She s been friends with me that long so why behave like this last few years? This has been coming on quite a long ting. I probably am needier than other friends and she's accused me of being negative in the past but the last 5 years I ve been in a much happier place and don't moan or think negatively anymore.

I expect you've just moved apart. Friends do. Life changes, and all that getting the kids together or going to book groups or whatever change too. The thing is to be fluid yourself and find interests and friends who reflect who you are now x

If you have high expectations, then friends may feel you subtly digging at them and judging them for not fitting your very precise needs. When you're time-poor, you avoid people like this. It's more fun to be around people who are glad to see you, or who roll with the flow at a busy party

This exactly. You say that this happens every time, so it has to be you, not everyone else that is the issue. Sorry to sound harsh but there isn;t any other way to say it: you sound like you are really needy and very harsh on anyone who doesn't act as you have decided they should. People just can't be bothered with that, they have busy lives and they don't want to spend time with people who drain all the fun out by constantly judging and finding everyone wanting.
The weight of your expectations kills the friendship, it makes it into hard work.

Think about it this way, you ditched the party and went off home, but you're mad at her for not calling to see if you're ok and sorry we didn't chat? Don't you see how backwards that is? You should be contacting her to apologise for not turning up at the party.

User- are my expectations too high? I would like her to text/call me once in a while. Meet up during school holidays and be interested in my life and be happy for me when something big like having a baby happens. Is that too much to ask? I expect it not to be one sided which it has been probably for the past 2-3 years. I am expecting to care and show she cares when I might need her. Surely that's not too much to ask? I am not expecting her to call me every week and see her constantly.

I find it very superficial though when you claim you haven't seen someone for a year and that your lives have gone in different ways and then suddenly that person is given a key role in your child's life.

I suppose I do like a closeness which I thought we d built over time. I probably am striving for that closeness which other people seem to have but I can never quite master as when it comes to it they aren't that bothered by me. I ve stood by her through babies, death in the family, I haven't had much back.

Ruby2202 I've had this kind of dynamic with friends too, so I do empathise with you.
It's really good to get the perspective of the happy go lucky, 'you sound like hard work' posters, but I don't think that's the whole story.
As you say, it's a life time pattern, but you've acknowledged your overly high expectations and tried to see things from your friend's perspective.

I reckon this is the key:
"I find it hard to find to balance lower expectations without being walked all over which has happened before."
I'm like this too. I don't have any answers exactly. I guess we are a bit all or nothing. If you can afford some therapy to look into this, I would, as it is upsetting and a long-term pattern.

As for leaving the party, I truly wouldn't worry about it. You had tried to build yourself up to be casual and go with the flow about it all, and then got a slap in the face seeing how she had included others, but not you. I can understand you getting upset and not 'rising above' after all the build up.
The problem is that you are definitely over-thinking the whole thing, and have been for months (years!). Perhaps to start you can acknowledge that your way of thinking hasn't 'worked' so far and try and distance yourself from the whole thing. Try not to ruminate on it or check her fb etc. Try accepting that this is not going to be the friendship it once was or the one you were hoping it could be. But try not to over-analyse or blame yourself. Just give it all a bit of space (I'm going a bit woo here, so I'll stop ). I'll try and think of useful, relevant things to read...

I don't think she feels I judge her if anything it's the other way round. I feel like she feels our lives are different now. She's the main bread earner and works full time, she had to wait until dc1 was in school before having dc2 because of money. They have a bigger house than us but have a huge mortgage and she chose to work full time to pay for it. She told me that herself.

I work part time and had my children close together. We don't need my wage, which I know we are very lucky. When I announced I was pregnant with dc2 her response was 'I thought you would be' I asked what she meant and she said 'different lifestyles' no congratulations or anything. She sounded a bit bitter really. I don't feel like I ve rubbed anything in her face and we re not loaded in any respect. Maybe she feels I have. But can't think of any examples when I have done. Whereas before I suppose financially we were in very similar situations.

We are very lucky that my parents have just brought a holiday home in the U.K. Which we can use. Out of all my friends I am unsure about inviting her down as I feel she would be the most likely to judge and not be happy for us. She's meant to be my best friend.

Dh reckons it's because I ve not made the effort which is probably true to an extent as I am not good at ringing people. I always feel they won't want to hear from me and I am interrupting them. Before dcs I did try and ring her and had no ring back. Our relationship has always been more texting than ringing. But these dried up her end and were one word answers over time or ignored. I had rather a lot on my plate with two 2 Pre schoolers and not a single everything ok, how you getting on?

Ruby, I agree that you need to work on your self-esteem, and that you also need to manage your expectations on friendships. You sound like you want all your friendships to be really intense, otherwise you get stroppy. That's fine at 12, but for an adult?? You sounds really insecure. Have some faith that people like you. With my friends we never keep a tally of who contacts whom. Some contact more than others, but that's fine.

45mins away is a big deal especially if she has kids and is a teacher. We've friends who moved a similar distance and see them much less often - maybe once a year. Without texts in-between. We occasionally get in contact and it's really nice. In 10 years time, when the kids are more independent we may see them more. They are still friends and I would definitely invite them if I was having a big get-together.

You may say that 45 mins is no distance, but it means a meet-up lasts all day Sunday and then if there's homework and lesson preparation it's exhausting. Does she also have family to see? I see my brothers and sisters more now with kids than before.

Probably she did short texts as she may have been annoyed at your previous complaints about insufficient contact. I would have been and would have found it weird - unless from a boyfriend. With old friends in particular, the relationship is there, it ebbs and flows, but it does not have to mean exceptionally close for life. Expecting that means that you will end up with few old friendships.

Just- I do get what you're saying about friendships and I previously accepted the lack of contact. But when it became me always contacting her and one word replies, no mention of meeting up when she couldn't attend, no meet ups in holidays, no checking if I am coping with two, no acknowledgement of birthdays which we ve always done and then serious lack of caring when I had dc2 I did stop trying. 1 year meet ups are ok when you feel the other person gives a shit but I don't.

Then guess the christening was the final stew.

User- are my expectations too high? I would like her to text/call me once in a while. Meet up during school holidays and be interested in my life and be happy for me when something big like having a baby happens. Is that too much to ask? I expect it not to be one sided which it has been probably for the past 2-3 years. I am expecting to care and show she cares when I might need her

Yes, if that isn't what she is looking for. She obviously has a lot on, she is looking for lighter, drop in and out friendship. If you aren't interested in that, that is fine too, but it doesn't mean she is wrong.

What do you mean by "you might need her"? What for exactly?

Your posts read as if you want everything on your terms, everything is about you. She probably has backed so far off because she knows she can't give you what you want and its too much trouble. She probably would be more friendly is you weren't so clearly wanting so much more.

User- I accept you're point and it's an interesting one. I will definitely think about that in terms of new and existing friendships I have.

However, it's not just the lack of contact is more her response when I do contact her and her distinct lack of giving a shit. For that she is wrong.

She obviously finds the time to make an effort with these other two friends. Why not me? I have spent a lot more time with and been there for her a lot more and have a lot more history with her than one of her choices. I personally wouldn't choose someone to be a god parent who I haven't spoken to for over a year. It would feel pretty false.

I ve not heard from her since last weekend. I think the friendship is probably over. Her recent actions have been really hurtful and I just can't be friends with someone who I have to do all the running with and doesn't seem to care about my life. I expect I might get an invite to her dcs birthday in the summer but don't think I will be going.

For the record I do have other friends who I see infrequently and have sporadic contact with. This is fine as I am not doing all the running and they give a shit about my life when we do have contact. I suppose I didn't consider them as close though.

Also, not everything is about me or on my terms. I think I give myself to others far too much and try and be there for them a lot. I find this then isn't given back and I realise they don't feel as close to me as I thought we were. I ve let myself get walked over in the past by not making it more about my feelings and me.