Confused by this invite. Should I except?

[Ruby2202]

Basically I ve had a friend who I considered my best friend since uni, so 14 years now. Once we were very close and would see each other regularly and got on extremely well. We ve had holidays together and when we met our dhs couple holidays. She was my bridesmaid.

However, over the years I ve realised she probably doesn't regard me as her best friend. I wasn't chosen as her bridesmaid (she got married before me) or dcs godparents. I felt sad about this but excepted she had childhood friends she felt closer too.

However, since having dcs the length of time between meet ups began to get longer and longer. It felt like I was making all the effort but when we did see each other we got on very well and it was like we hadn't been apart. We would text every so often but phone calls to her were left unanswered. I told myself this means we are good friends as those are the kind of best friends. However, over the last couple of years the gap has widened even more. There is absolutely no effort her side despite only living 45 mins away. Texts to her were answered with one word answers and she couldn't come to ds birthday party and no mention of a meet up instead. I made the effort to travel 45 mins there and back to her ds party but not much of a welcome or a thank you message or card for coming. No mention of a meet up when chatting and a casual bye when I left.

So I decided the friendship had probably fizzled out and decided I wasn't prepared for it to be so one sided. 7 months has passed with no contact whatsoever.

I was upset by this as she's my last long standing friend and it took a while to get my feelings sorted in my head, accept the situation and move on. I don't have many friends so it was a big loss.

So, today I get a text inviting us to an important event for her dd. It's obviously a generic text to a few people but no hi, been a long time, how are you? But it does say they are only inviting a few people to this event and only people who they and dd are closest to. It says they really would love us to come and it would mean a lot to them.

I am really confused and don't know if we should go or not. How can she consider us close to her when we have no contact for 6 months at a time? We have no idea what's going on in each other's lives. I ve only met her dd once since birth and she's only met my dd once in two years! I ve just gotten my head around letting this friendship go, which took awhile, and now this.

Dh thinks we should go as she obviously values the friendship afterall, but it doesn't feel like it. I know she's busy working full time as a teacher with two dcs but still how long does a quick text/call take? She has school holidays free but we never meet up anymore. He feels it's just a period where life's got in the way and then once dcs get bigger I will probably see her more. He thinks my expectations are too high. I get what he's saying and perhaps he's right with how it might be in the future but I don't feel valued in the friendship we have anymore and it makes me feel upset so I have distanced myself from it. I don't want to open these feelings up again.

Would you accept the invite? I guess if I said no it really would be shutting the door on the friendship but I don't see the point of yearly invites to dcs parties when dcs barely know each other.

Good- no I wouldn't say that. She's a nice person just rubbish at being in touch. She's just quite forceful. We ve only had a couple of arguments over the years and the last one we had she just talked over me the whole time, I couldn't get a word in edgeways or give my point of view. I feel like we d just argue if we spoke.

Oh OK. It's hard to advise really when all we've got to go on is the little you can explain here. I wish you luck with it anyway.

She's my last long standing friend and I ve definitely lost friends before from having too high expectations. I don't want the same thing to happen. I feel I am always the one making the effort with all my friends. If I didn't I'd only have one left! I really want to turn that around but don't know how.

OP, I think you've naile dit there. If you have high expectations, then friends may feel you subtly digging at them and judging them for not fitting your very precise needs. When you're time-poor, you avoid people like this. It's more fun to be around people who are glad to see you, or who roll with the flow at a busy party. Why not relax and just enjoy the offers that come your way, lower your expectations of her and appreciate that although it's changed a lot and no where near as close, you're still in touch with an old friend.
One of my bridesmaids lives ten minutes drive frome me. We never see each other. She lives in the pockets of the friends she made when she had kids. When we meet up we get on but we rarely manage to. ften less than once a year - we catch up at big wedding and birthday celebrations. But I love her as much as I ever did and never mind. It's just how life's panned out. She's still gorgeous.

I genuinely don't understand what you want in all this - well, maybe I do. You want the friendship on your terms, and at the minute you feel it's on her terms.
It sounds like "my way or the highway" from your posts, even though you acknowledge your too high expectations. I've never understood the "if they won't be my friend the way I want them to be, then I can't be their friend at all" thing.
Why can't you go to their events, if you want to, have a nice time, then go home and forget about it? She hasn't been horrible, hasn't shagged your husband, insulted your mum, fed your diabetic child Fanta and wispa bars....why can't you just be friends who aren't as close as you used to be but still get along when you meet up?
I've got a couple like that - we used to be incredibly close, then one moved away, had another dc and started her own business. She has no time for long distance friendship maintenance on a regular basis, and that's fine by me - her moving away left a gap in my life that has gradually been filled by new friends, my own dc getting older and starting hobbies and stuff that I'm involved in...but when we see each other we have such a laugh, and great chats - why would I cut her out?
My other friend and I just gradually drifted apart, lives moved in different directions. We both had a major life change in similar circumstances that brought us together initially, but once that life change settled down, and became less important on a day to day basis, so did our need to spend so much time together. She isn't as friendly with a couple of other people that we both spent time with then as well, but again, there's been no falling out or horribleness, lives just change - I know though (because it's happened) that when there's a significant occasion, she'll be there, and we'all be glad to spend time together.

Thanks these replies have made me reflect. It's not that I want to dictate the friendship. I ve accepted her lack on contact and that there's a long time between meets. It's more that it feels like she doesn't even care anymore and I have to make all the effort. She's not interested in any of my news when I do contact her. I actually thought she was trying to drop the friendship by her actions. I don't really see the point in going to each other's dcs birthday parties or other occasions once a year. I don't get anything out of it.

I appreciate perhaps I am harder work then others in my expectations. I find it hard to find to balance lower expectations without being walked all over which has happened before. I basically don't want to be the one making all the effort all of the time. Offers don't seem to come my way.

don't go. text and say you can't, hope it goes well.

don't say any emotional or needy stuff. she's made it abundantly clear that she's not interested, awful as it is. you came to that conclusion and made peace with it, and now she wants to throw you a crumb. it won't end the way you want, it'll just be more of the same.

personally i'd just walk away.

as for expecting too much, well maybe. friendships are hard. just as hard as finding a partner, except with a friendship not only do you have to get on well, but you have to want the same level of support and intimacy otherwise it doesn't work. and if you have high expectations that just makes it all a lot harder.

don't beat yourself up, treasure that one friend who is so good to you. and then start looking for other good friends like them. length of time and shared experience isn't enough to sustain a mismatch.

If you want to know what others would do - personally I'd go. IME longstanding friendships often wax and wain. I've been friends with my "best" friend for 30 years and we are very close. But there have been periods (years long) where we were no where near as close, where contact was very sporadic. We didn't give up on each other.

However you clearly don't want to go. Which is fine. She hasn't attended all of your family events, you aren't obliged to attend.

Just send back a polite note apologising that you can't make it and wishing them a lovely day.

OP I understand. I have a very similar situation with an old friend. My thoughts are, tempting as it is, try not to berate your friend for her lack of contact/closeness. Nobody appreciates criticism and it's unlikely she'll take it on board. You've seen that already.

Secondly, life is busy for her. Two kids are more than double the work of one, on top of work. This means she can't give you what you (not unreasonably) need. That's a shame but not necessarily a character flaw on the part of either of you.

Thirdly, you might be giving this more headspace than it deserves if you haven't got many other friends. Are your DC at school? The school gate can be a great way to make local friends with similar areas of interest, i.e. your kids.

Finally, I wouldn't go, but I wouldn't make a big deal in declining. You won't enjoy these events and your DH and kids probably won't either. However leave the door open for future meet ups. It's probably unlikely that the friendship will continue - in my experience if you don't stay in regular contact you just have nothing to talk about. But I wouldn't cut her off entirely.

I don't know tbh I do get the impression from your posts that you are quite hard work, I don't think, for example, that I could meet your requirements for a friendship.
I think if you don't want to have the friendship with her that is available then decline.

You sound a bit needy to me to be honest. You see the friendship differently to each other. I have friends I see maybe once a year but we're still friends. I certainly wouldn't expect a thank you card for attending a birthday party but then my friends wouldn't anyway. If she's a full time teacher and mum she probably hasn't got time to do them.

I don't think this is going to work as it sounds like your poles apart in your expectations of each other. If it's going to continue to bother you just don't go.

I completely agree with fabellinni.
My view, you're being v high maintenance, i have people i (and them to me) consider very close friends and we talk every 6 months, like a few fb posts a fortnight etc, I'm busy... They're busy. We're adults we dont have the same time for intense friendships, work/family/health/hobbies/time to ourselves is a priority over a chat. One of my "best" friends and i met up tonight for the first time in over a year, it's just how things are but god forbid something happend and they needed me i would be on the next bus, boat or plane. I accept their shitty schedules like they accept mine. That's friendship.

Just chill out about. Accept her invites. Enjoy your friendship with her, even though it's changed. If you like her enough it wont matter.

If you don't want to go, then don't, but it seems you are cutting off your nose to spite your face to me.
You've acknowledged you seem to have very high expectations, and that you've lost friendships through that, yet you seem sad at not having many friends. It's you that has identified why, and yet you don't want to maintain this friendship because it's not on your terms

You've said she'd a teacher and has 2 small dc. When I was in that situation, I was living in a permanent state of exhaustion. No, I didn't have the energy to think about nurturing friendships, but good friends never demand anything of you.
One of my closest friends is absolutely hopeless at getting / keeping in touch, but that doesn't mean she's not worthy of my friendship - it's just the way it is. We've managed to be friends for over 40 years, so I can confirm it's not a pre-requisite to being 'a friend'
I have another longstanding friend (again, 40 yrs plus) that I can go 2 - 3 years without speaking to other than use exchanging Christmas CArds, but then, when we do get together, it's lovely - we just pick up as if we'd seen each other the day before.

If I like people / want to see them, then I do. I really don't understand this idea that someone has to 'qualify' to be a friend by meeting your criteria.

I think the issue might be that, while for some people not having regular contact with a friend but meeting up very infrequently and enjoying their time together is fine, this is not what OP wants. She wants a friend who is more obviously in her life. That is OK and not 'needy'. It's not unreasonable to want a friend who is interested/able see you more frequently than once in a blue moon. The problem is this person is not able and/or willing to provide that.

OP it's OK not to go. I doubt this person would become the friend you want even if you did and as you said it opens up the whole thing again for you when you had accepted she wasn't interested right now in am the sort of friendship you want.

You have mentioned a few times how difficult it is with 2 pre schoolers, she has a child, a baby and works full time.

She has invited you. Go if you would like to, don't if not.

I suspect I am quite a lot like your friend. I have a very busy life and am not in regular day to day, or monthly or even 6 monthly contact with many people that I love spending time with.

Maybe you need a different kind of friend.

I would find it exhausting if my friends analysed the calibre if exchange at every meet up. To my mind you sound needy. Your friend had a newborn , a newborn.... and you felt judged.... etc.

I'm a bit offended on OP's behalf that she's been painted as being "needy", "hard work" - essentially in the wrong.

Nobody is at fault here. She and her friend just have different needs, approaches to and expectations of friendship. Neither is right or wrong, better or worse, they're just different.

OP it is fine to acknowledge that your needs are not being met by this particular relationship. There are plenty other fish in the sea potential friends in the world. Just as in every type of relationship, some people are more compatible than others. That's all.

Hi, thanks for the replies. I don't think I am needy or hard work. I haven't been moaning to her or putting pressure on her.

Our friendship has turned to erratic contact and meet ups for the past few years. I have felt sad about this but accepted it. But when I have messaged her she's always made the effort or she's messaged me first. I suppose I feel like the rift has now gone even deeper than that and moved to a new level of non contact as when I have some news to share I get one word answers or I wish her happy birthday and I get one word replies. Before although we wouldn't have much contact it's got to the point where it feels like she doesn't care. I was quite hurt to get a 'that's nice' reply when I told her dc2 was a girl. That was two years ago and it's been like that since. I know she's busy and I am not asking for regular meet ups but I feel more effort could be made when it's someone you want to stay in touch with.

It feels like she's not interested in my life but wants me there for something that's happening in hers. Surely it's a two way thing? I ve accepted the infrequent contact but I am not sure I can accept the one word answers and lack of even a how are you? About my life. It's like she doesn't care or value me at all.

I know she's busy, I was a teacher too and I know what it's like. She has one child at school and one over 1 yo now. I have two pre-schoolers so don't need to be told how 2 dcs is twice the work. We don't even have contact during the holidays though when she's not working full time.

I haven't said I don't want to go. I am reluctant to go as I know nothing in the friendship will change and feel like maybe she has just asked to make up the numbers. I feel like she wants me at her important events but has no interest in my life even if we re not having regular contact. But I am also reluctant to end the friendship but feel hurt and upset by her lack of interest in my life not just the infrequency of our meetups.

Dc1 starts school in sept so that might open new doors to friendships.

"It's obviously a generic text to a few people but no hi, been a long time, how are you? But it does say they are only inviting a few people to this event and only people who they and dd are closest to. It says they really would love us to come and it would mean a lot to them."
Only people who they and dd are closest to? Well, you don't feel you're close to them. You barely see them. So if that's a lie, then so is it meaning a lot to them, isn't it?

Honestly, I would politely decline. The friendship has gone.

To give you my experience from the other side. I'm in my 50s now. I spent probably about 15 yrs having very little contact with friends whilst my dc were young, and both dh and I were working long hours, and trying to keep some tiny aspects of our (local) social life / bit of 'me' time going. However, I accepted it was what it was. The last 5 - 10 years however have been wonderful. So many of my friends are now at the stage where we are coming out of that 'fog' of busy-ness, and we are able to meet up for lunch, to phone each other up, to arrange the odd weekend away, to go to each others' 50th Birthday parties, or our dcs' 18ths etc. It is Lovely. I am liking my life SO much at the moment. However, if I (or any of those friends from my younger days) went in for this MN thing of "dropping" friends when they don't meet exacting standards, then none of us would be able to pick up our social lives like this as we begin to have more time.

You've said you used to be a teacher. That's quite telling. Why did you give up? Do you remember how bloomin' hard it is? How your energy is completely drained? Why not give your friend a break? You won't see her much now, but true friendships can last that out and pick up again in the future.
Doesn't stop you also making a local or a new friend or two that have the time and energy to chat to you regularly. There's not a 'ration' on the number of friends you can have.

You've said that she responds when other friends text her/ring her but not to you.That says it all really.

Honestly I wouldn't bother going and I wouldn't bother replying neither.

I'd carry on as you were and let the friendship go,I think going will end up just upsetting you more in the long run.

If she hasn't contacted you, or asked how you and your family are in 7 months then I think it is clear she doesn't see you as a good friend.

Not sure why you got this invite, perhaps she sent it to everyone on her contact list.

After 7 months she didn't even phone you to invite you but just a text? That's a slap in the face.

'Dear x, thanks for the invite, we are unfortunately unable to make it, have a lovely day. Ruby'

Why don't you tell her you unfortunately can't come due to previous engagement but would love to catch up soon. When you attend functions its hard to catch up anyway as host tends to be busy. Then you know from her response if she really wants to see you or not.

I have a friend like this in respect of making the effort - always me - but she is interested in it life etc and we have a good natter every now and again.

However I do think she's just invited you because she feels she ought to rather than actually wanting you there - as you used the last occasion to gauge the friendship of histbignore the text for now - and see if she contacts you again

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Well I spoke to dsis who is an extremely popular person who everyone wants to hang out with and asked her opinion.

She said that I ve always had high expectations of friends and she was my bridesmaid. She said friendships go up and down and it's inevitable there will be times when you see each other a lot and times where there's distance. It doesn't mean they aren't your friend. She said when you don't see each other much you often don't share intimate aspects of your life. She must think I am a close friend to have invited me. All of which I agree with, except the last point.

She told me about a couple of her friends who she's not spoken to for long periods and it's turned out they were having a hard time. Friendships don't stay constant.

But she wasn't sure what to say about the one word answers to my answers and lack of care of what's going on in my life.

She said it's up to me whether I want to carry on the friendship by going and she would probably go to one of the events in my position. But didn't really commit to giving me an opinion.

So, I ve decided to go to one but not the other. I texted her a very simple. Yes we can come but not sure about the other event and a kiss, that's it. I did it today and no reply. I wouldn't be surprised if there's no reply at all to be honest. It's also my birthday today and no acknowledgement from her! I am actually wondering if I did the right thing now though. The lack of reply makes me regret it slightly.

Well done, OP and Happy Birthday!!

I know it can be upsetting when friendships change. No need to burn bridges though - just ease out if it's not working for you and start focusing on happy, satisfying things instead. You could end up being good friends again in the future, you never know.

Listen to your sister - she knows you well and has given some good advice.

I could have written your post. I have several good university friends who I've been very close to for the past 15 years. However, we all now have 2 children and it's v hard to keep in touch (they live about 1.5 hours from me so not easy for casual meet ups).

Thinking about it, neither of those good friends have been in touch with me for 6 months (apart from a Christmas card), and I haven't questioned it at all. We are busy and life has been tough recently. I haven't gone out of my way to contact them either. We are obviously less close right now that a few years ago, but I wouldn't be declining an invite to a party of theirs just because they hadn't spoken to me in the last 6 months. That seems a bit OTT.

Honestly I would accept your friends invitation - I have a feeling you may regret it later if you don't.