Confused by this invite. Should I except?

[Ruby2202]

Basically I ve had a friend who I considered my best friend since uni, so 14 years now. Once we were very close and would see each other regularly and got on extremely well. We ve had holidays together and when we met our dhs couple holidays. She was my bridesmaid.

However, over the years I ve realised she probably doesn't regard me as her best friend. I wasn't chosen as her bridesmaid (she got married before me) or dcs godparents. I felt sad about this but excepted she had childhood friends she felt closer too.

However, since having dcs the length of time between meet ups began to get longer and longer. It felt like I was making all the effort but when we did see each other we got on very well and it was like we hadn't been apart. We would text every so often but phone calls to her were left unanswered. I told myself this means we are good friends as those are the kind of best friends. However, over the last couple of years the gap has widened even more. There is absolutely no effort her side despite only living 45 mins away. Texts to her were answered with one word answers and she couldn't come to ds birthday party and no mention of a meet up instead. I made the effort to travel 45 mins there and back to her ds party but not much of a welcome or a thank you message or card for coming. No mention of a meet up when chatting and a casual bye when I left.

So I decided the friendship had probably fizzled out and decided I wasn't prepared for it to be so one sided. 7 months has passed with no contact whatsoever.

I was upset by this as she's my last long standing friend and it took a while to get my feelings sorted in my head, accept the situation and move on. I don't have many friends so it was a big loss.

So, today I get a text inviting us to an important event for her dd. It's obviously a generic text to a few people but no hi, been a long time, how are you? But it does say they are only inviting a few people to this event and only people who they and dd are closest to. It says they really would love us to come and it would mean a lot to them.

I am really confused and don't know if we should go or not. How can she consider us close to her when we have no contact for 6 months at a time? We have no idea what's going on in each other's lives. I ve only met her dd once since birth and she's only met my dd once in two years! I ve just gotten my head around letting this friendship go, which took awhile, and now this.

Dh thinks we should go as she obviously values the friendship afterall, but it doesn't feel like it. I know she's busy working full time as a teacher with two dcs but still how long does a quick text/call take? She has school holidays free but we never meet up anymore. He feels it's just a period where life's got in the way and then once dcs get bigger I will probably see her more. He thinks my expectations are too high. I get what he's saying and perhaps he's right with how it might be in the future but I don't feel valued in the friendship we have anymore and it makes me feel upset so I have distanced myself from it. I don't want to open these feelings up again.

Would you accept the invite? I guess if I said no it really would be shutting the door on the friendship but I don't see the point of yearly invites to dcs parties when dcs barely know each other.

Go as life is to short.

Pick up the phone and speak to her

you really have answered your own question - don't participate in something that makes you feel bad - life's hard enough - invest in friendships where you get the reciprocity you need

For what it's worth - here's a different perspective - when I see people I'm happy - but I couldn't be friends with someone with such high expectations of me because it would continually make my feel more crap that I actually am - my day to day is a struggle - some days I forget to brush my hair - my life pretty much sucks not that anyone would really know how much except my close family - I am so grateful for my friends who are there regardless of whether I texted 2 days or 2 years ago

Everyone is different - walk to the best of your own drum

We visited just under a year ago when her dc was a few months old and had dinner. Dh had a laugh and it was like old times. She said unprompted how she misses the fun we have and needs to make more effort. But nothing changed.

I saw her alone a couple of months before that when her dc2 had just been born. Another friend of hers was there. I felt like we didn't get on brilliantly and felt slightly judged by her and her friend over ds behaviour. He was being difficult though. But it wasn't a very easy meet up as she had ds and newborn dd there, a difficult birth and I had ds who's behaviour wasn't brilliant and she had her friend.

I offered to help out with her when dd was born as she had health problems but it was difficult as I had two pre schoolers. Another of her friends ended up coming instead. I do feel like she wouldn't do the same for me in that situation, but then she works full time so probably wouldn't be possible but don't feel like the thought would be there. Not even sure if she'd be there if I did really, really need her. Although she's said before she would and I would be one person she would call if it was an emergency. She's a very private person I ve come to realise who just gets on with things herself so I think that's part of why the closeness has gone because we don't seem to share much. I also find her quite judgmental these days. She's one of the people I feel nervous about telling ds is going to a private school or taking to my parents new house.

That's the problem it's not as black and white as do I/ don't I want to go. I don't know if I want to or not.

It's not just the time between contact now it's also her response when I do contact her. A happy birthday msg was replied with only a thank you. A msg to tell her I was having a dd after my scan was replied with a that's nice and a reply to an invite to ds party was a no, explanation of why and I am sure you ll have a good time anyway. No what a shame, we must meet another time.

When I told her I was pregnant with dd when ds was 18 mo her response was ' I am not surprised' when I asked her why. She said 'different lifestyles' so I took that to mean she felt we d drifted apart and had different lives which I guess we do.

Old guard- so you're saying my expectations are too high? I think this is the reason I don't have many friends. I feel people I meet don't want to meet these. But then I feel maybe I lower them too much and let people walk all over me. I don't want to loose the friendship if my expectations are too high and it's just a life's getting in the way thing. But don't want a one sided friendship either.

I can't concentrate on the friendships I have which are more even as I don't really have any, except one. It's always me who initiates a meet up, it's always me who makes the effort. Hence why I question if my expectations are too high and why this is the case. I over analyse and worry about friendships a lot.

You can be close and have sporadic contact.

You clearly mean a lot to her.

Possibly she feels overwhelmed with her job/kids/home and struggles to organise herself. So lack of contact reflects her present state rather then her feelings towards you

Some people struggle to text when life gets crazy!

Ruby - re expectations - I do think your expectations are higher than what she is able to give you and therefore you don't get what you need from this specific friendship - my best friends in the world accept me for who I am - even if I forget their birthday they laugh and say "don't worry" - this gives me the freedom to be honest with them and be myself

Options:

1. Terminal: Find other friends who can reciprocate
2. Status Quo: Accept her for what she is and be grateful for time together with no expectations (this is hard and I'm not saying you should do this)
3. Middle Ground: Agree to meet up once a year for an overnight - put the date in the diary - both book the accommodations etc etc ( or some such other arrangement)

As an aside, maybe take some time to try to see you from other people's perspectives - maybe this will help

Old guard- thanks for your reply. Food for thought. As I said I think my expectations must be quite high as I find myself having to make the effort in all but one of my friendships. I can't seem to find friends who are very bothered with me. I don't really want lots of friendships where we hardly see each other.

I am not sure my expectations are high from her. I am expecting the odd text/call here and there and to see each other maybe most school holidays, so every 6- 12 weeks I guess. Plus, showing interest in my life a bit more. Not that much to ask u don't think.

I'm crap at keeping in touch with anyone. My life is absorbed in my DH, adult DCs, work, home, horse, dog.

But I've always been like this. Introverted and social occasions leave me a bit cold. My friends know this and they know I am always there if they need me. Always.

Maybe she's like me? But I would be more grateful if someone made the effort for me.

If you can't handle this kind of friendship, don't punish yourself. Move on and be with more like-minded people.

Most people are saying don't go. It's also the way the text has been sent. No how are you? No question about my life just straight into the invite. If we really did mean a lot to them then surely a personal msg would be better??i don't hear from her for 6 months and there seems no interest in my life, yet she wants us to attend a special event for her dc.

I get what you're saying Polly but she hasn't always been like this, she's a sociable person. I see on Facebook her saying ring you later to other people. I know she makes time to ring a childhood friend of hers.

Truth is these days I am not even sure she would be there if I needed. Phone calls have gone without reply as have texts in previous years. That call could have been an emergency, it could have been when I needed her. I went through a tough time after a c section with dd and a 2 yo too and not even a text was sent to see how I was getting on. She did come and see me after about 6/7 months but only when I asked her to as she'd expressed no interest in coming herself.

Bottom line- she's not going to change. I either deal with it and keep the friendship or dont. I don't feel she values me and apart from the rare times we see each other I get nothing out of it.

I guess I am just struggling about whether my expectations are too high. I guess they are higher with her as I considered her my closest and oldest friend and imo 45 mins isn't a big distance away. I have other friends 3/4 hours away who I also rarely speak to but somehow I seem able to accept that level of friendship from them.

Interestingly I just received another text from her, two in the same weekend!, another generic one inviting us to an important event for her dh! Again, no how are you? She's just expecting us to go to both with nothing back.

Ps Polly isn't being there for someone a mutual thing? She wants me to be there for her but isn't for me. But she is less 'needy' in that respect, she doesn't need people to be there for her like I do.

There are many different types of relationships and all can work fine. It's a matter of whether this is working for you. It really sounds like it isn't and that you're not a good match at this moment in time.

How do you feel about going to these events and just enjoying them whatever?

I can understand her not being in contact much if she has two young kids, one about oneish? So recently back off maternity and working as a teacher which also includes taking work home to mark. Doing class plans etc in the evening. Then a husband and a house to run. She might be totally run off her feet.

45 minutes is also quite far for me to maintain a friendship so everyone is different. My friend who lives in the same town we sometimes only see each other a couple of times a year!

However, having said that. I do think the way this friendship is making you feel and how much you are questioning yourself over it is a sign it's time to walk away. She never ever texts to see how you are. Never comes to see you or asks to meet up or comes to your kids parties? Yet expects you to come (present in hand) to hers. Has it occurred to you it could be her dh pushing her to invite you and your dh to things as he gets on with your dh?

Go- yes I appreciate how busy she is, I really do. But she's an extremely organised person and has things done way before the deadline so I don't think she's overwhelmed by that. Plus, she has holidays and had maternity leave when I thought we might see each other more but no. I know others who work full time, although I know teaching means lots of work brought home with you, and they still manage to see friends and have girls weekends away obviously just not as much. I accepted some time ago it wouldn't be regular texts, phone calls and meet ups anymore and was ok with this as when we saw each other it was fun and I still felt like some effort was made on her part. But now it's never a text and not even a how are you?

She's my last long standing friend and I ve definitely lost friends before from having too high expectations. I don't want the same thing to happen. I feel I am always the one making the effort with all my friends. If I didn't I'd only have one left! I really want to turn that around but don't know how.

So, what you guys reply with? Was thinking of just saying 'sorry we have something on, hope you have a lovely time xx' to both of the invites?

Or if I say yes. Some way of letting her know how I am feeling. So, 'thanks for the invite, I can't help but be surprised as we haven't had contact for so long but yes we can make it x'

I'm not entirely sure what you want here. It sounds like you'd like to still be friends with her but you're unhappy about how she's treating you. So, you need a way to be authentic and still maintain the friendship and your self-respect.

I might be tempted to go to one of the events - give it your all but at the same time, you're not completely available. From what you've written, I don't think she's been a very good friend recently so I wouldn't 'jump' just cos she's sent you a couple of generic invitations. But, she HAS invited you to 2 things so she MIGHT be trying to make amends.

How does this sound as a starting point:

"Thanks for the invitations - a lovely surprise as I haven't heard from you for ages and have been thinking about you. Unfortunately, we can't make (one of them) but we'd love to come to (the other one). It'll be great to catch up again - I'm looking forward to hearing all your news."

If you go to one and feel ignored by her (or whatever) then at least you'll know once and for all how things are.

It sounds very unlikely that she's going to put the effort in to maintain your friendship. I'd decline the invite but say it would be lovely to meet up sometime, then leave it to her to initiate, if you're not quite ready to end the friendship for good. Or just don't reply, since she's done the same to you in the past! Can't see any benefit to going, doesn't sound like you'd enjoy it and it wouldn't do anything to change the current dynamic.

I think you have no idea how busy teachers are. Just because you know some teachers who timetable weekends away and such, doesn't mean teachers can fit everything. She's got work, friends, kids and a home to run. There's a lot on her plate.

Consider being honest with her instead as you might get to grips with what's happening that way. 'Thanks for the invites. We haven't caught up properly for such a long time! I was beginning to think you'd cut contact. I'm not sure about attending, can you buzz me and we can talk things through'

If she buzzes and you talk and then feel happy to attend, great. If she doesn't buzz, then goodbye old friend.

Teachers really are very busy but I think there's more going on here. If someone's got time to text a reply to an invitation, they can text more than just no, which is pretty rude. If you've got a 6 week holiday and you haven't seen your old friend for a while, you can arrange something then.

I like Fuzzy's ref to her cutting contact and the invitation to buzz you (I'm guessing what that is!). BUT, if she's already been finding you relatively high maintenance (I'm guessing about that too), I think it might add to that perception, especially as you've tried to talk to her before and she accused you of being oversensitive. (A classic way to minimise and disregard your feelings so she can continue to do as she wishes.)

Could it be that the few times you've had contact in recent years haven't always been that enjoyable for her? Perhaps, given she has a full-on job and young chn, she just wants her friendships to be easy / low maintenance?? It might not even be personal, just all she's got to give at the moment?

Overall, it sounds to me like you want more from the friendship than she wants to give. The question is, can you find a way to be happy with this?

Thanks guys. I will msg back one of those. I feel if we spoke we might argue as she ll say I am being over sensitive and how she hasn't seen so and so for x amount of time and she has such and such going on so I ll feel guilty and like I am being too needy, we leave the conversation happy but then the lack of contact will continue just as it has done previously. She's quite fiery and will say what she wants and in an argument will not let the other person get a word in edgeways.

I do want the friendship to continue but not as it currently is. I want to feel like she gives a stuff and I would like to meet up every few months or so with or without dhs and dcs and text/call in between so we actually know what's going on in each other lives. I would like her to initiate this not just me. This is what is was like before dcs and until I had dc1.

Well she's tried to initiate two meet ups now. So either roll with it and speak to her or step back

Not really fuzzy, they are planned events with lots of other people. We ll probably not get to chat much. They aren't meet ups 1-1 or in a group. To me it's not a personal invite

So she uses anger to silence you as well?
Tbh, I'm struggling to see what you see in her.