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Original poster

WWYD? Young child and smoking relative

64 replies

Soubriquet · 16/01/2017 16:11

My Dd is 3.

Every Saturday she attends a ballet class.

My nan takes her to these as I don't drive. It's a walkable distance but it's easier if she's driven there.

Nan sometimes picks her up Friday and goes straight from her house.

Anyways, after ballet she usually takes Dd back to hers and keeps her until Monday when Dd is then dropped off at pre-school before coming home.

Dd LOVES going to my nans and my nan really enjoys having her as she's been a bit more lonely since my grandad died last year.

Now the problem. My nan is a heavy smoker. Worse than she ever has been. It got worse after my grandad died and she's already been diagnosed with COPD so now she's just surviving instead of living.

She's in a lot of pain with her back too so the smoking probably helps that.

But my problem is, she smokes that much that when Dd comes home she stinks! Really badly. And occasionally she's come home wheezing a little too.

I don't want to stop my nan having her as it's something that both her and Dd love doing. (I have checked with my nan and made it clear if she's in too much pain or if she doesn't want to do it, please tell me and we will stop)

However I don't think it's my place to tell her she can't smoke in her own home...but I don't want Dd to be wheezing either.

Argh...wwyd? Grin and bear it as she might not have long to live, or confront the issue gently and point out that Dd could be suffering?

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 16/01/2017 16:13

I'd stop the visits tbh

A lifetime of breathing difficulties is not fun. Watching a child developed asthma and be pinned down fir nebuliser is not something you want to risk.

It's not safe. Your nan will have to come to you to visit and you take her to the class.

Gileswithachainsaw · 16/01/2017 16:14

Even if she didn't smoke around her there's going to be residual smoke and nicotine in the house

Original poster

Soubriquet · 16/01/2017 16:15

Dd has already been on a nebuliser before so that was scary enough

Her dad has asthma too and when she gets a cold she does wheeze quite badly so ahe could end up developing asthma at some point.

OP posts:

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MollyHuaCha · 16/01/2017 16:15

Wow... tricky one. I grew up in a house with two smokers. I must have smelt like an ash tray. Years later I remember telling my dad he shouldn't smoke in the same room as a baby. He thought I was bonkers. When I kept saying it, he actually got quite angry about it and said he could do what he liked in his own home. I haven't helped you at all - if yr mum hasn't absorbed the 'don't smoke around kids' messages by now, then sorry, not sure how to deal with this one Good luck.

Elllicam · 16/01/2017 16:17

Oh dear it is so hard, my dad is the same and he will not be told :( does your nan smoke with your DD in the car? Could you tell a white lie and say your health visitor has advised you to keep DD away from smoke due to her wheeze and could she smoke outside when your DD is there?

Lireal · 16/01/2017 16:18

Nan doesn't sound physically able to be honest. Even without the smoking issue. I would stop the visits to nans house and have nan visit you instead.

keekaw · 16/01/2017 16:18

There's just no way that I would have my dd staying in the home of a heavy smoker. It will be impossible to manage this without spelling out the issue though.

Original poster

Soubriquet · 16/01/2017 16:20

She's definitely able and would be insulted if I told her I didn't think she was well enough..

She never used to be this bad. I think the death of my grandad hit her worse than everyone ever thought it would.

She never used to smoke around me as she knows I HATE it but now she does it when I'm in the room too.

It's like she's given up and I think if I stop Dd going, it's another nail in the coffin for her in life.

OP posts:

Doolallylally · 16/01/2017 16:21

I wouldn't allow my child to be exposed to cigarette smoke in this way.

keekaw · 16/01/2017 16:22

So you told her not to smoke around you but have let her smoke around your dd? I find that odd.

Original poster

Soubriquet · 16/01/2017 16:23

No she knows not to do but she just doesn't think about it anymore

She's operating without thought anymore. Just going through the motions

Which I think it's why she loves having Dd so much

Gives her some form of distraction

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 16/01/2017 16:23

Thing is if she has given up you can't sacrifice your dds health fir the Sake of someone who doesn't even care about their own.

wannabestressfree · 16/01/2017 16:24

You have to do something. It's not just the smoke it's the fire risk. Can she not at least smoke out of the back door? The pain in her back could be due to her copd.... I only know this as my partner is a chronic asthmatic and gets severe back pain when he has an infection. What will happen when she needs oxygen for the condition? She won't be able to smoke then....

NicknameUsed · 16/01/2017 16:25

Smoking is a deal breaker for me, especially if it was affecting my daughter's health. I would stop the visits and tell your nan that your daughter staying at her house is giving her asthma, and if she wants to see your daughter she visits your (smoke free) house instead. Simple.

Original poster

Soubriquet · 16/01/2017 16:25

I don't think she's thought that far ahead tbh.

And I know I can't sacrifice Dd for her either

It's so horrible to be in this situation

OP posts:

Sweets101 · 16/01/2017 16:26

She usually keeps her all weekend? And DD has already been on a nebuliser and you think she might be prone to asthma?
I think you know the answer already, surely?

PonderLand · 16/01/2017 16:26

I think for your daughters health you need to either minimise the time spent in a confined smokey room or stop visits to her house altogether.

I still feel bitter towards my mum for smoking around me, in the house, during pregnancy, in the car etc and my dad (non-smoker) for never saying anything.

It's not something a child understands and as an adult and her parent you are responsible for her health. Speak to your nan about your concerns, I'm sure as she is now suffering with COPD she will completely understand why you don't want your daughter to suffer a life-time of breathing difficulties.

I have asthma and god knows what my lungs are like from breathing in so much second hand smoke.
My mum still smokes in her house so I take my lb for an hour per week max to see her and I ask her not to smoke whilst we are there or we won't visit anymore and she can come to us.

RogueStar01 · 16/01/2017 16:26

all my family smoke, my DM used to chain smoke on the way to school with us, she's still a 40 a day person but she always goes outside now. I would be OK with it if your mum was going outside but as it is, i'd have to say DD can't stay at hers. Really hard situation for you - I know my DM feels victimized over it, it used to be acceptable before people understood the risks of secondhand smoke, it's hard for them to really get.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 16/01/2017 16:26

I don't think it's awkward at all to insist your nan smokes outside when dd is there.

Just explain that she is wheezing and may develop asthma. Although in the past it was more accepted, nowadays you'd have to be living under a rock to not be aware of the dangers of passive smoking.
It is now illegal to smoke in a car with a child so that's a huge no no.

It's lovely for both of them that they have a close relationship but put some guidelines in place. You're her mum so take steps to protect your daughter, she's so little.

UnbornMortificado · 16/01/2017 16:28

I can see why you wouldn't want to upset her. Would asking her to smoke outside be an option?

I smoke myself but never around my DD's or in the house. I can see her point she lives alone and it's her own house but she needs to put your DD first.

Ilovecaindingle · 16/01/2017 16:29

Maybe print off some info on the dangers of smoking around a child. Explain that your dds health has to be your priority. . If she is happy to stop smoking you are happy for your dd to continue staying with her. If not then unfortunately the arrangements will have to change..

Original poster

Soubriquet · 16/01/2017 16:30

I think I'm going to try and say that I've took Dd to the doctor and that they have advised that her exposure to smoking is causing her to wheeze and that it's a strong possibility she might develop asthma

And from there see if she's happy to start smoking outside whilst she has Dd.

Might mean she cuts the visits shorter which I don't mind but do you think that sounds ok?

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 16/01/2017 16:32

The house is not safe though. It's in the furniture and the curtains etc

If the smoking is really that heavy it's not just the smoking while she's there you have to worry bout

RogueStar01 · 16/01/2017 16:34

soubriquet sounds good to me - I had to sign a nosey form from school confirming that DD wasn't spending time in a house where people smoked inside - you could actually find one and show it to your mum (I'll have a quick google). Giles and all the people saying that DC can't even be in a house where a smoker has been, where's your evidence? Not in a combative way, but can you show me because I've not heard being in a house where a smoker lives is a significant issue.

Original poster

Soubriquet · 16/01/2017 16:36

I know giles but if I stop her completely I think my nan would give up on life altogether

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