WWYD? Young child and smoking relative

[Soubriquet]

My Dd is 3.

Every Saturday she attends a ballet class.

My nan takes her to these as I don't drive. It's a walkable distance but it's easier if she's driven there.

Nan sometimes picks her up Friday and goes straight from her house.

Anyways, after ballet she usually takes Dd back to hers and keeps her until Monday when Dd is then dropped off at pre-school before coming home.

Dd LOVES going to my nans and my nan really enjoys having her as she's been a bit more lonely since my grandad died last year.

Now the problem. My nan is a heavy smoker. Worse than she ever has been. It got worse after my grandad died and she's already been diagnosed with COPD so now she's just surviving instead of living.

She's in a lot of pain with her back too so the smoking probably helps that.

But my problem is, she smokes that much that when Dd comes home she stinks! Really badly. And occasionally she's come home wheezing a little too.

I don't want to stop my nan having her as it's something that both her and Dd love doing. (I have checked with my nan and made it clear if she's in too much pain or if she doesn't want to do it, please tell me and we will stop)

However I don't think it's my place to tell her she can't smoke in her own home...but I don't want Dd to be wheezing either.

Argh...wwyd? Grin and bear it as she might not have long to live, or confront the issue gently and point out that Dd could be suffering?

Have you never noticed that when you go to smokers house you leave stinking of it regardless of whether they smoke whilst there?

Kids cab actually ingest nicotine in a smokers house from touching things and crawling on the floor then suckling their fingers/putting hands in mouths.

You may not always see it but all those chemicals do end up on walls and floors etc

That sounds like a good approach, Soubriquet quoting a doctor gives your argument some weight. Perhaps tell her how grateful you are for her help and how much dd loves her visits, so it would be such a shame to stop her visiting..?
That puts a positive spin on the conversation, rather than just criticism.

I actually think it's very neglectful on your part and I can't understand why her dad is allowing it , particularly as he is an asthmatic , whether your nan is upset or put out your main concern should be for your child . I think if your daughter has an audible wheeze she shouldn't be exposed to smoke at all so Nan smoking outside would not be satisfactory it needs to be no smoking at all .

I do know how you feel I had to stop my kids going round their nans because not only did they smoke but ll the friends smoke and they honestly thought a door open or a fab on was enough to get rid of the smoke.

My dd had asthma and one time she was asleep on the floor wheezing whike everyone smoked around her. She ended up in hospital with a chest infection and needing nebuliser and steroids.

Dd2 is nearly 6 and has only been twice for very short times as I won't risk it again

here's a good guide i found (couldn't find the leaflet that i got from DD's school) but they have a 'take it right outside' campaign - page 16 is useful for your conversation:

www.ashscotland.org.uk/media/4450/REFRESH_HowtoGuide.Create%20a%20smokefree%20home.Jan12.pdf

yy it says 'establish a rapport' in the PDF - it should be easy to talk about how much DD loves the visits, how much she loves her nan but...

So she's in your Nan's from Friday evening or Saturday morning until Monday morning?

I think the doctor idea is great but could you also reduce the visits by saying you want to do some family stuff with your DD at the weekends? She could stay Friday night and come back to you after her class so her exposure to the smoke filled house is also greatly reduced.

how does your daughter feel about going? If she enjoys it I wouldn't stop her, but I think I would be asking her to go outside, and maybe if your daughter could sleep with the window ajar the bedroom she is sleeping wouldn't be quite as smoky?

Could you say you want to go on memory making trips all 3 of you? That would minimise indoor smoking trips too xx

Rogue, smoke sinks into soft furnishings and gets absorbed, carpets, curtains, pillows, rugs, sofas etc will gradually become
saturated and release the chemicals into the room. Which is why a smokers house stinks, as do there coats and jumpers etc. It's called third-hand smoke and is just as dangerous as second and first hand smoke.

Health care professionals now advice parents of newborn babies to not let smokers hold their babies unless they change their jumper/coat and wash hands etc after they've smoked. This is due to the smoke still being harmful once the cigarette is gone. As good as it would be, it doesn't just disappear and the chemicals don't suddenly stop being harmful once the cigarette is gone.

do you have evidence though? The campaigns all talk about second hand smoke, newborns I can understand as they're so small. I'll google 'third hand smoke' but ideally i'd like to see a proper dossier of research. Remember, you're suggesting we effectively ban our DC from our entire family's houses...that's pretty extreme.

Dd loves going

Doesn't want to come home half the time

Had a word with dh and hes glad I've said about this as he doesn't want her to go

So we've come to a compromise. Going to tell her doctor said it and she needs to smoke as outside as possible

If she can't do that, we will have to stop the visits

My parents were both heavy smokers all of my childhood. I suffered recurring chest infections an asthma. I never smoked but have suffered all my life because of the ignorance surrounding smoking when I was a child.
When I had my DD's my parents had long since quit but my Fil still smoked.
Mil asked if Dgd could sleep over, and I said absolutely not whilst they smoke. And asked my Mil that when we visit would they please not smoke in the house or around my DD's.
I was fully ready for them to tell me to fuck the fuck off ect but Fil used it as an exscuse to stop smoking altogether.
You need to be strong for your children's health as that Is more important than anything in this world and you have a duty of care to keep them healthy and safe. If she loved your DD that much she will not smoke around her.

The "Take it Outside" campaign has lots of useful information.

It's called third hand smoke and is just as dangerous as..first hand smoke

That's not correct. Sitting on a sofa that smells of smoke would not be the same as smoking a cigarette.

Soub I'm surprised no one has called your nan a drug addict yet.

Drug addict?

Is cigarettes seen as drugs now?

Mind you I deliberately didn't post this on AIBU which is probably why the answers are quite nice whilst stating the harsh truth

Even the me being neglectful

Good luck and let us know how it goes. I hope your DM sees this as an incentive to care about your child and her own health

Not my mum, my nan.

Dd's great nan. I think she will do it for Dd but not herself.

She doesn't care about herself anymore

Ah it's sad that your nan has given up on her health. COPD must be awful to live with but I suppose she thinks the damage is done. I hope she smokes outside for dd's sake. She must know more than anyone the misery smoke related illnesses bring.

I know she's only little, but you can also teach your dd that "Smoke is bad and will make you cough, don't go near nanny's smoke" obviously not scaring her but making her aware not to go near if Nanny is smoking outside.

Thanks Nineties

It's heartbreaking seeing my nan how she is.

She used to be so happy and lively. Now you're lucky if you hear her laughing and smiling is rare too.

She usually only smiles if she's around her great grandchildren

That sounds very sad but I think the compromise you have come to is a good one. I hope she agrees because it sounds like your daughter and nan both get a lot from the visits xx

Soub it was on a thread the other day. I was a bit

I am sorry about your Nan. Mines really depressed after losing my grandad. It's hard to see someone you care about in such a way

"whether your nan is upset or put out your main concern should be for your child . I think if your daughter has an audible wheeze she shouldn't be exposed to smoke at all so Nan smoking outside would not be satisfactory it needs to be no smoking at all ."

This ^^. My daughter had breathing difficulties as a baby and I am paranoid about it happening again. Her health is far more important to me than upsetting a family member.

My mum had COPD and it is horrible. It must be distressing for your daughter to see her great grandmother coughing and coughing and struggling to breathe. This kind of thing can escalate quickly and my mum was blue lighted to hospital many times during the last two years of her life because she couldn't breathe.

For this reason as well as being exposed to cigarette smoke I don't think it is wise to let your daughter stay overnight with her.

That's not correct. Sitting on a sofa that smells of smoke would not be the same as smoking a cigarette

I had to laugh at that, quite funny.

OP I don't think your nan should be having DD on her own because she doesn't sound capable of looking after a young child. I get that she loves spending time with her but I think that it needs to be with you there. And smoking around a child who probably has asthma cannot be acceptable. Sorry but your daughter has to come first.

My DF, who died of lung cancer nearly a year ago, was heavily addicted to cigarettes. When DD was born (I had quit when pg with her) I made it clear that whilst it was his choice whether to smoke in his own home or not, I would not bring DD round if he did it while she was there. He never once smoked with her in the house. I was quite surprised given how strong his feelings were on the subject prior to that but it just wasn't something I could compromise on.

I don't understand how the situation has become normal for your 3yo dd to basically live at your nan's house half the week. Friday to Monday usually every week, that's not normal in any situation, but where the child has had serious breathing problems and treatments before, is at risk of asthma, and the caregiver smokes like a chimney, including in the house - it's difficult to believe actually.