WWYD? Young child and smoking relative

[Soubriquet]

My Dd is 3.

Every Saturday she attends a ballet class.

My nan takes her to these as I don't drive. It's a walkable distance but it's easier if she's driven there.

Nan sometimes picks her up Friday and goes straight from her house.

Anyways, after ballet she usually takes Dd back to hers and keeps her until Monday when Dd is then dropped off at pre-school before coming home.

Dd LOVES going to my nans and my nan really enjoys having her as she's been a bit more lonely since my grandad died last year.

Now the problem. My nan is a heavy smoker. Worse than she ever has been. It got worse after my grandad died and she's already been diagnosed with COPD so now she's just surviving instead of living.

She's in a lot of pain with her back too so the smoking probably helps that.

But my problem is, she smokes that much that when Dd comes home she stinks! Really badly. And occasionally she's come home wheezing a little too.

I don't want to stop my nan having her as it's something that both her and Dd love doing. (I have checked with my nan and made it clear if she's in too much pain or if she doesn't want to do it, please tell me and we will stop)

However I don't think it's my place to tell her she can't smoke in her own home...but I don't want Dd to be wheezing either.

Argh...wwyd? Grin and bear it as she might not have long to live, or confront the issue gently and point out that Dd could be suffering?

It's the op's normal oldbag so let's not be too judge. My sister in law is very young and has two babies- they quite often stay at grandparents at the weekend.

The op wasn't asking for opinions on what she does with her DC.

There's no way I would let my three year old stay over three nights a week with a caregiver who was smoking heavily, especially given the history of breathing problems. I have a relative with COPD, who isn't and never has been a smoker. But now she is on oxygen, there's no way she could have smoking in the house, she's not even allowed candles.For the sake of your daughter's health, it sounds like it would be better if your nan visited you in your house.

Well we won't have to lie about the doctors appointment now

We've had to call the doctor today because Dd has woken up with a very noticeable wheeze and cough.

Doctors have given her a prescription of salbutamol and a chamber to take the medicine with.

My nan is coming round tomorrow so we are now determined to make it clear she is going to HAVE to stop smoking around Dd or she can't have her anymore

Sorry to hear your DD has been medicated, good luck with the conversation.

OP sorry to read this but it shows the risk. How did the conversation go?

Oh soub sorry your DD's bad

Is she managing the inhaler ok? She's very young bless her.

She's doing ok with the inhaler yes thank you.

Much better from when she was a baby and screamed everytime the mask went near her

Haven't had a chance to talk to my nan yet but I've already cancelled her collecting Dd tomorrow as I don't trust her to keep on top of the inhaler and when dh did mention asthma to my nan she was very dismissive.

I know asthma is no joke. Dh has it very severely and has been hospitalised more than once.

If she can't take it seriously, she can't be trusted to have Dd alone

DD2 was the same with the mask, it used to take two of us to pin her down.

You know your doing the right thing but it must be hard. Maybe when it sinks in a bit your nan might realise how serious it is.

Pleased your DD is ok.

It's very hard yes

I feel so guilty that Dd has to have an inhaler again. Then I feel guilty that my nan is dissapointed about tomorrow

But Dd HAS to and WILL come first

No one has a time machine or a crystal ball. Don't be too hard on yourself.

I've never managed to fully pack in. I don't smoke in the house or near DD's but it's obviously not ideal or brilliant parenting.

I've never smoked so I don't get how hard it is but my dh used to

He vapes now and is doing so well but he still wobbles some days

I really let the ball drop with my nan but now I'm going to pick it back up and be firm

It's hard being firm with people we love. I really hope she see's sense.

Smoking aside it sounds like her and your DD have a lovely relationship.

I'm sure your nan realises how serious this is. I expect she's brushing it off due to guilt and embarrassment really.
I don't think you're asking too much of her, all she needs to do is keep her smoking outside, away from your daughter.

I really hope you can resolve this with your nan and stick to your guns. Good luck.