Do I have to invite the child my son is scared of?

[Fireplaces]

Hi, hope you can help. DS will be 6 soon and is having a party at a local play barn centre.All autumn term, DS would come home and tell me almost every day about the behaviour of another boy in the class, let's call him Alex.

Alex's behaviour ranged from spitting at the teacher to just shouting out during reading time. But then became hurting other children eg pulling hair, hitting, pinching. The teacher said to me that Alex was volatile and that DS should take care when playing with him. At that stage DS was still happy to play with Alex.

Just before Christmas though, Alex came over to DS in the playground, pushed him over and then "pulled him along the ground til he cried". It was witnessed etc and put in the book etc.

My issue now is that DS wants to invite all 30 kids in his class to his party, but not Alex. He says it because he is afraid that Alex will hurt someone and spoil the party. He is also scared of Alex now.

I am very aware that you can't invite the whole class apart from one child, but what are my options? I am not worried about the 'tea' part as that's in a small room where I can keep an eye out, but the first hour is in a massive play barn is massive with lots of places that are hidden from immediate adult view eg high up tunnels, sensory room. And there will be one teenager plus me supervising.

Alex has not been diagnosed with any condition or special educational need. I am a bit at a loss of how to deal with it. If I tell DS we have to invite Alex, he won't want to have a party at all. Help!

Did anyone notice the Op said her child is SCARED of Alex. Not that he dislikes alex , but Scared

Yes. My dd felt the same about a child in her class. So reassure dc that they have nothing to be afraid of and put strategies in place to manage the situation. So they know they have nothing to worry about at the party. With the right guidance in place, ops child and Alex might even be friends one day. Don't be too quick to write people off.

makes me reading some of these posts. We are here, raising the next generation who will one day themselves be adults and possibly parents. what message are we giving them in compassion and inclusion.?

OP you don't have to do anything, but this could be an opportunity to do something and perhaps not only help your own child accept differences but perhaps make another child feel a bit happier about themselves too? speaking to the mum at the party and extending hand of empathy might be a good idea, but ultimately it's up to you

Its all very well talking about compassion .

But it is a fact that there have been some very young children who have done horrific things ... to say that compasion and undertanding and not excluding is the cure all is very naive .

You must have rose coloured glasses on .

Well I prefer the colour of my glasses Droves. And I feel sorry that yours are so blinkered.

hmm I wish I did have rode tinted glasses (good for dyslexia I understand ). actually the understanding and compassion is from nursing adults with mental health issues, from.not living in a little bubble and knowing that others walk different paths and dance to different tunes and from being a parent and having the awesome opportunity to be mum to my 3 (soon to be 4 ) kids and loving them and learning from them. so yes, one of my children have a diagnosis of autism but that doesn't make him any less and one could argue that he's different outlook has enhanced our family

*rose

One of my children is asd , had dx .
Another is in assement .
Dss is adhd .

Im realistic . You cant fix them ... you manage them .

Its life .

Everyone has problems of somekind .
Im leaving this thread .

droves, I did something I shouldn't which was search your other threads as I doubted what you said in terms of your own set up. I was wrong and can see that you do also have children who have extra needs. I especially liked your stand up and be counted post from 2011, however I can't see how you can post what you have on this thread even more so confusing when you are a parent of children with extra needs.

It sounds strange that your children have that diagnosis, but you have the attitude that you do. There seems something wrong here. Part of me doesn't believe you. I know that sounds rude, but its not intended. Or maybe theres something else going on with you. I hope you work it out, whatever it is.

Need sleep here and this thread is evolving to something it shouldn't so ill step back. night all and I hope OP comes to a good decision for all the kids

OP stick to what you know is right, and best for your child. Dont be sidetracked. Dont invite a child who frightens and un-nerves your DC, and will spoil his party. I viewed this thread in its early stages and as soon as I saw someone eventually mention this boy may have SN, I came off as I knew it would become all about that, and people's experiences going to & fro. None of this changes the fact that its about your DCs feelings, its his party, and he shouldnt be given the responsibility for having to put up with aggression that frightens him. He has a right to enjoy himself and actually in the same way that adults do, choose who he wants at his birthday party. I hope your DS has a lovely time.

Hi, thanks for all the considered replies. The hot debate and people at opposite ends of the spectrum just confirms how contentious it is.

The strong message I got is that it is better to reduce the numbers and add more adult supervision. I had got stuck with the idea that "max number 30" imposed by play centre meant "we need 30". You're right, it would be better with far fewer on many levels. So I am going to do both...limit class invites to 12-15, (plus a few non-school friends who DS sees a lot and whose mums are likely to stay as we are good friends too). So top figure = 20. With more adults.

I have a lot of major difficulties in RL right now. If I told you, you'd be as appalled as my RL friends. So I am not going to unsettle DS anymore by forcing him to have a child at the party who he is scared of. Not am I going to invite Alex for a play date. That's an issue for another day when I am stronger.

Good decision, OP

You absolutely do not have to invite an unlikable child if you don't want to. It's a very tough lesson for a child to have to learn, but if he is capable of changing then being left out of parties might be a way for him to see that he must.

However, inviting every child but one takes nerves of steel to pull off, no matter how much you dislike the child in question, and it is a bit mean, for a six year old.

I would suggest you whittle it down to about 20 at most. Your son can't be that good friends with all of them.

tell him to invite ten children max why stress yourself?

I'm going be be a minority and say 30 with 2 is totally achievable if you're experienced with large groups or classes of children I am and wouldn't really blink at that proposal.
Am I guessing that the venue will supply party "hosts" too?

If not. Ensure they are all listening before they go in (again- either easy if you're used to it or achievable if you have use of their party room so a room only for your son's friends) make sure their backs are to the play area when you need them to look and listen to you. You are much more likely to have their attention then! Tell them where to come when they get thirsty when they're playing (and keep a jug of tap water avail at all times!) and make sure they know the REWARD for coming to you quickly at the end of their time in the barn. Whatever the instruction to signal to them (announcement, whistle, whatever!) tell them there's a prize or reward evolved and they're yours! (Seriously, put a sticker on a chest!)

Don't put shoes/socks on until you're in your eating area. (This will be your biggest enemy!)
What technique does their teacher use? Are they an "everyone put your hands on your heads...shoulders... Knees...nose..." Children following actions or do they count down "everyone listening in 5..4..3..2..1...."

FIND OUT!!! I know you're not at school but the class will instinctively know how to react when a strong authoritative voice issues these instructions. please god tell me you have a strong voice and there's your class management sorted.
I have a 10year events and classroom arsenal so PM me if you need

Regarding "Alex"
Honestly? Don't invite him. It's your son's day and you do not need to worry about it being spoilt for him by an aggressive and violent child. If anyone questions you (his parent etc) then explain exactly as you have here and also include that you were unable to consider Alex having his own parent supervising him 1:1 as it's impractical in the type of party you are hosting.
Have a wonderful time!

I'm not sure being left out if a party at 6 will prevent a decent life later on. That's a massive stretch!

I would suggest you make the party smaller. I might explain to the teacher what's gone on tbh. If I knew the mum I might even have a chat there. If my dd caused a child to be scared I might not like it but tbh I'd really want to know. At any age.

OP you've made the right choice.

You don't have to invite any child yours doesn't want to, but only someone really mean and nasty would miss only one out of a class form a party invite.

Far better to have a smaller party. I don't think I've ever done a whole class party in nearly 15 years of parenting.

That's a good solution OP.

And I think you will have a much nicer party this way.

Good decision OP. Sorry for the X post- I started writing before I went to bed!

Have a wonderful party!