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Original poster

Do I have to invite the child my son is scared of?

270 replies

Fireplaces · 07/01/2014 19:34

Hi, hope you can help. DS will be 6 soon and is having a party at a local play barn centre.All autumn term, DS would come home and tell me almost every day about the behaviour of another boy in the class, let's call him Alex.

Alex's behaviour ranged from spitting at the teacher to just shouting out during reading time. But then became hurting other children eg pulling hair, hitting, pinching. The teacher said to me that Alex was volatile and that DS should take care when playing with him. At that stage DS was still happy to play with Alex.

Just before Christmas though, Alex came over to DS in the playground, pushed him over and then "pulled him along the ground til he cried". It was witnessed etc and put in the book etc.

My issue now is that DS wants to invite all 30 kids in his class to his party, but not Alex. He says it because he is afraid that Alex will hurt someone and spoil the party. He is also scared of Alex now.

I am very aware that you can't invite the whole class apart from one child, but what are my options? I am not worried about the 'tea' part as that's in a small room where I can keep an eye out, but the first hour is in a massive play barn is massive with lots of places that are hidden from immediate adult view eg high up tunnels, sensory room. And there will be one teenager plus me supervising.

Alex has not been diagnosed with any condition or special educational need. I am a bit at a loss of how to deal with it. If I tell DS we have to invite Alex, he won't want to have a party at all. Help!

OP posts:
Droves · 08/01/2014 11:14

Im sure the Op said that is exactly what shes going to do .

lougle · 08/01/2014 11:14

" Special needs is the new term for what used to be called disabled /mentally disabled ."

No it doesn't. Special Needs means needs above and beyond that of same age peers.

This boy has a greater need for supervision and guidance with regards behaviour. That's a SN.

You can't know he doesn't have ASD. You just can't.

LittleThorinOakenshield · 08/01/2014 11:17

Droves, your not getting flamed for what you haven't said.

You've said PLENTY.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
JugglingIntoANewYear · 08/01/2014 11:24

I looked back through posts here (on this thread) to try to see where Droves is coming from ....
Thinking she's only seeing things from POV of OP's son, and not the other boy.
In one post she says her own DC talked about wanting to die due to bullying.
That must have been very hard to hear and respond to.Sad

Some of us are just trying to see it from both boys POV, and some, often due to their DCs own experiences, are relating more to the boy who could potentially be excluded from the party.

All makes sense now I've seen that post.

summerlovingliz · 08/01/2014 11:27

Some posters are incredibly sanctimonious, even the kids that behave like 'Alex' can have wonderful parents who do everything in their power to promote positive behaviour. I think it is unbelievably stupid to assume that the parents need to. 'Set boundaries'etc!! Poor Alex at 6 yrs old to be labelled a bully, I would never leave out one child as that would be so unkind.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/01/2014 11:29

Yes..the concerns a boy with behavioural issues and people are discussing the reasons for it.

Depresses me so much to read people moaning about people mentioning SN and whinging about "party bunfights".

People are bringing their personal experience to thread. And they are allowed,even if it's differebt from yours.

JugglingIntoANewYear · 08/01/2014 11:36

Hey, that was me that used that phrase Fanjo ("party bunfights")

I was only saying that the more moderate voices, looking for a solution to the OP's dilemma, had been drowned out a bit by those rather taking sides.

But sure, I guess that's what happens in discussions, and obviously people bring their own experiences to the thread

Maryz · 08/01/2014 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuntCadger · 08/01/2014 11:37

droves. that was me who checked your history and not in a malicious way at all but simply because I thought you'd have empathy for both children and not simply judge a child as bad if you'd experienced some of the issues many families face in terms of the wide variety of needs encountered by ASD. This thread is no longer about the OP and has evolved to something quite different and perhaps would be better to start a new thread? I am stunned at the comparison to abusive adults and the sweeping statement and sincerity that this child can not be on the AS. Sad Just sad that my worry of how so adults may perceive a child is actually true Sad

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/01/2014 11:39

Juggling, well glad you have thought a bit more about it :) It's an awful phrase. This is a LOT more than a party bunfight to some people.

Droves · 08/01/2014 11:40

Likewise , you cant know he does .

Even if the boy did have an issue , surely it is the place of his parents and multidisciplinary team to help sort his issues and not the op ?

Fwiw , when my dd had her violent phase , I did not push for her to be included at parties and such . To me that would be like trying to put out a chip pan fire with water .

I admit to having no problem avoiding violent children . I used to have the same opinion as Maryz , a bit of extra love and care might fix violent kids.
That changed when one of my dds threatend to kill herself because of the girl who had bullied her since primary 1 .
My dd suffered , at one stage I even tried to befriend the bullys parents . I had that child around for tea and to stay over. Guess what , she was angelic when she was here , and infront of her parents. a bully when no adults were around .

My dd has had ccounselling from penumbra because of this . She also refuses to leave her room and cries when she has to go to school.
Shes about to be assessed for asd , and ia again being refered to councelorsmwe are just waiting on the appointment letter . The bully is nt . Has a good family , is actually quite spoiled at times. This all started because my dds birthday is the day before the other girls , and their parties were booked the same day . Dds party got cancelled in the end.it happened a few years in a row.

Empathy ?

That would be the reason I had a private fostering agreement for an abused 15 year old , so she could escape horrific homelife . ( shes 25 now btw and is doing wonderful )

Maryz · 08/01/2014 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Droves · 08/01/2014 11:44

Yes I am taking the ops boys pov , when I post about the party .

LittleThorinOakenshield · 08/01/2014 11:45

Droves this child Alex is known to be a bit volatile. He lashes out at other children by the sounds of things pretty indiscriminately

He is not singling out this one child in a systematic attempt to bully him.

A 6 year old who hits is not necessarily going to be a bully.

Droves · 08/01/2014 11:48

Maryz .... I dont thin it sad , I think its horrific . And I , made it worse by bringing the bully into our home. The one place dd was safe in , I took from her , because I was trying to do the "right " thing.

Partially the the reason she wanted to commit suicide .

Which is why im saying protect your own.

Droves · 08/01/2014 11:50

Little , I dont know how alex will turn out .
I still wouldnt take the chance or the responsibility for him

LittleThorinOakenshield · 08/01/2014 11:51

To be honest droves I think your experience in this matter is making it hard for you to comment on it.

Which is understandable but you are attributing awful characteristics to this child where none may exist.

onwardsandsidewards · 08/01/2014 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleThorinOakenshield · 08/01/2014 11:52

Or by suggesting he is a vile future wife beating bully, that's your own experience talking from one girl you know.

It's not really fair is it.

Maryz · 08/01/2014 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrianTheMole · 08/01/2014 12:05

When I comes down to it ...we protect our own

Yes, we do that in a number of ways. And one way is giving them the skills to manage and get along with other people in the best way they can, even if they don't get along so well. This is what makes society work. It takes a village to raise a child, not just doctors and a multi disciplinary team. What you are talking about is not protecting, but shielding them from the problem without giving them the skills to cope with it.
I'm sorry about your dd, but I think its blinkering your views.

Maryz · 08/01/2014 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Droves · 08/01/2014 12:09

But I did not actually say excude only him.

Reading the op I assumed it was include him have him or dont invite and have smaller number ?

Yes I said he was an odious brat , and that was too harsh . That does not mean I would every voice that opinion to the child , or infront of mine or even to another adult . But whether my thoughts are coloured by past experiences of what happened to my children , I dont know .

I still honestly wouldnt force my child to be in his company if I could avoid it .

Droves · 08/01/2014 12:35

Maryz im sorry for your friends son , and both your friend and you too .

I think we would be better avoiding each other on here if possible .

Am not getting into a thread war with you . Perhaps your experencies are colouring your views also ? We have a difference of opinion . Its just a personality clash , not that your actively looking me out to argue. I see things as black and white .

I will avoid posting on threads your on in future .

I will avoid threads your on in future .

SoupDragon · 08/01/2014 12:42

But I did not actually say excude only him.

Not explicitly, no but that is how it came across when you kept saying don't invite the vile, nasty, brattish bully without saying it would be better to, say, have only half the class.