Do I have to invite the child my son is scared of?

[Fireplaces]

Hi, hope you can help. DS will be 6 soon and is having a party at a local play barn centre.All autumn term, DS would come home and tell me almost every day about the behaviour of another boy in the class, let's call him Alex.

Alex's behaviour ranged from spitting at the teacher to just shouting out during reading time. But then became hurting other children eg pulling hair, hitting, pinching. The teacher said to me that Alex was volatile and that DS should take care when playing with him. At that stage DS was still happy to play with Alex.

Just before Christmas though, Alex came over to DS in the playground, pushed him over and then "pulled him along the ground til he cried". It was witnessed etc and put in the book etc.

My issue now is that DS wants to invite all 30 kids in his class to his party, but not Alex. He says it because he is afraid that Alex will hurt someone and spoil the party. He is also scared of Alex now.

I am very aware that you can't invite the whole class apart from one child, but what are my options? I am not worried about the 'tea' part as that's in a small room where I can keep an eye out, but the first hour is in a massive play barn is massive with lots of places that are hidden from immediate adult view eg high up tunnels, sensory room. And there will be one teenager plus me supervising.

Alex has not been diagnosed with any condition or special educational need. I am a bit at a loss of how to deal with it. If I tell DS we have to invite Alex, he won't want to have a party at all. Help!

Honestly ask youselves would you invite someone who was hurting your child ?

Its not demonising to say a badly behaved child is a brat .

Stop being pc . A spade is a spade .

As parents its our job to look after our own child , not the one whos been hitting .

Bullies start young , they just get worse with age because they get away with it .

You're paying, it's your son's party, invite who you want. I have always let ds dictate his guest list and accept that other parents and kids are free to organise as they want.

I have a DS with SN. In his early school days, he was labelled a 'problem child' by other parents and excluded from parties. He was not attacking other children just being loud and 'exuberant' and generally disruptive in class. It was explained to him by me why he was not being invited, that other people did not want to put up with that behaviour. He was even excluded from school trips and I was told on here IWBU to argue it with the school and I can't see any difference with birthday parties. He has eventually got the message! It was worse for him because he is a twin and his twin got to go. Ditto sleepovers. I could not NOT let his twin go and lose out because of his behaviour, accordingly I could not beg the other parents to invite DS.

Additionally his twin was excluded from a very exciting party in Yr 4 because the parent did not like me asking her to return DS's school jumper that her DS was wearing (DS had seen his name in it!). The birthday boy was a very good friend of his and was the only one out of the boys in the class not invited but told DS that his mum said he could not come!

I have also invited 'problem' children to parties on 2 memorable occasions to avoid upset and the parties were ruined. One for DD at about 7/8 years and one for the DSs at around the same age. The party was rubbish, ditto food and music according to them. A boy ended up with a bloody nose with blood all over his shirt whilst in MY care and I had to explain it to his parents. When the parent collected that child (a girl), she said 'oh dear' grabbed her and left sharpish!

Primary school politics is a bloody minefield and I will be doing things differently when I start all over again in September with DC4 I can tell you!

Invite who your DS wants. This boy's problems are for his parents to sort out not you.

Onwards , my dd also has asd I know what its like .

My dss has adhd , also used to hit . Has been taught not to hit , it takes a lot to teach him , but hes turned out lovely now.

Like I said before aditional needs children need extra teaching not to engage in negative behaviours . Its never easy , but can be done .

"Alex" isnt sn.

""Alex" isnt sn."

You don't know that. You can not know that.

Exactly Droves. It is the 'Alexs' of this world who grow up into our current type of politicians and bankers if the behaviour is left unchecked .

And its actually insulting to suggest that special needs kids cant possibly be naughty . They can . They might have additional needs but they can just as naughty as atypical children given the chance .

My dd has Sn .... she is every bit as naughty as every other child in her class at school . I caught her stealing ! ? Did I let her away with it ? Did I heck . She was told stealing is wrong and I made her take the toy back and to appologise .

Shes not done it again .

If I had let it go , shed be nicking stuff all over ....shes inclined to if she likes something . But now shes learned its wrong ... shes 8 .

Who has said that SN kids can't possibly be naughty???

I have at least one child with SN (one goes to special school, one is not diagnosed with anything yet, but is undergoing assessment). They can both be naughty. As can my completely NT child.

It's irrelevant. This is about showing a young child that you can exclude people without considering their feelings.

Lougle you dont know Alex is Sn .

Either way , it shouldnt matter .

Hitting is not on

So the feelings of the naughty child are more important than the feelings of the ops child , who has been hit .

Why ?
The ops child will remember that alex hit , will be afraid that alex does it again . Nice to allow a 6 yearold to be frightened at their own birthday party .

Alex would probably forget about the party after a week or so ... Ops child will remember .

Maryz , have you had to deal with your child when they tell you they want to die because its the only way to escape bullying ?

I have .

And it started when they were at nursery .

So go think about what you are saying .

My dd has an Alex in her class, although the Alex in question is a girl. I went in a few times to talk to the teachers about it as dd was getting pushed and shoved by her and dd was getting to the point where she didn't want to go to school anymore.
Nothing seemed to change though, the teachers weren't there in the playground and the lunch monitors never seemed to notice dd being pushed around. In the end I told dd to walk away or push her back if it happened again. And dd did, in front of me, which was a bit of a surprise as dd is very shy. I didn't really think she would do it. 'Alex' was also very surprised, as I don't suppose she expected dd to stand up for herself.

I have however come to realize that 'Alex' struggles because she does not know how to share or negotiate, and actually, she's pretty unhappy in herself, she struggles with social situations and needs a bit of adult guidance, which she's not really getting. I decided to go out of my way to be extra nice to her, and asked her round for a few play dates, (with her mum) even though dd wasn't keen. They got on pretty well really, dd admits that they will never be close friends, but they get on well enough, which is all that you can ask for. And as for 'Alex', her behavior certainly seems a lot nicer towards dd, and she seems a tiny bit happier in herself. And we did invite her to dd's party and she was really well behaved.

Would it be worth trying this op? Inviting Alex round, with his mum, making friends with both of them, and seeing if you can both help the kids make some changes? The way I look at it, they're in school together for the next 5 years or so. Why not try to work towards making some positive changes so the kids have an easier of it.

I really dont care if I cant spell , I just think bad spelling is used to bitch at people who have a different point of view .

"Alex would probably forget about the party after a week or so ... Ops child will remember."

Yes, because Alex isn't really even human, is he Droves? He's not a person. He's just an inconvenient, bullying, odious, brat, who won't have his self-esteem battered by being excluded from an event that everyone in his class is talking about??

DD2 is 6. She didn't cope in her first school. She has SN of some sort, not diagnosed yet, probably precisely because she doesn't cause disruption, she just fades into the background. She didn't get a single birthday invite. Ever.

One day, she said 'X has invited me to her party.' I said 'Oh, dear, DD2. To invite you to her party, X has to give you a piece of paper from her Mummy that says 'please can DD2 come to X's party', or her Mummy must speak to me. I don't think you are invited, darling. DD2 was sad, but understood me.

Another day, DD2 excitedly said 'Y has invited me to her party.' I repeated the same message. DD2, even more excitedly, said 'Oh I have the ticket, here. Then, she dug deep into her little cardigan pocket, searching the corners, until triumphantly she withdrew the very tip of a piece of paper. 'Here's the ticket, Mum.' As my heart broke for her, I had to explain that it wasn't a party invite.

She moved school after it all became disasterous, and had her first ever party invite. It meant the world to her.

Ok, she's never hurt anyone (at school). But she is an isolated child who sees and hears more than you'd ever know. You might think it all passes her by, but she notices it all.

Also , I never suggested leaving Alex ( or other kids ) out of everything ....just the party .