Do I have to invite the child my son is scared of?

[Fireplaces]

Hi, hope you can help. DS will be 6 soon and is having a party at a local play barn centre.All autumn term, DS would come home and tell me almost every day about the behaviour of another boy in the class, let's call him Alex.

Alex's behaviour ranged from spitting at the teacher to just shouting out during reading time. But then became hurting other children eg pulling hair, hitting, pinching. The teacher said to me that Alex was volatile and that DS should take care when playing with him. At that stage DS was still happy to play with Alex.

Just before Christmas though, Alex came over to DS in the playground, pushed him over and then "pulled him along the ground til he cried". It was witnessed etc and put in the book etc.

My issue now is that DS wants to invite all 30 kids in his class to his party, but not Alex. He says it because he is afraid that Alex will hurt someone and spoil the party. He is also scared of Alex now.

I am very aware that you can't invite the whole class apart from one child, but what are my options? I am not worried about the 'tea' part as that's in a small room where I can keep an eye out, but the first hour is in a massive play barn is massive with lots of places that are hidden from immediate adult view eg high up tunnels, sensory room. And there will be one teenager plus me supervising.

Alex has not been diagnosed with any condition or special educational need. I am a bit at a loss of how to deal with it. If I tell DS we have to invite Alex, he won't want to have a party at all. Help!

I wouldn't invite Alex, no way in hell after what he's done to your son - but I wouldn't make it a full-class party. Have his closest friends there - obviously all boys isn't an option as then Alex would still be the only one left out. I'd go for closest friends. Save you a bit of money and stress

At 6, I'd either invite the whole class, or maybe 12 of his friends. If I invited the whole class, I would have a lot more supervision and ask the child's parent to stay if you know them.

Ds1 has just turned 10, and had a joint party with a friend. They invited all of the boys, apart from one (who has been a violent, aggressive child all year).

They actually told him in the playground that they'd had enough, were deleting him from the guest list, and promptly did).

Droves, you've misspelled 'vile', 'brats', 'maybe' and 'bullies', but you spelled out ingnorant just beautifully.

at my own typo. ignorant

Yes, a slightly smaller party will be much nicer all round, especially for 6 year olds

The OP seems to have disappeared!

Maryz .... look at how many great kids have commited suicide because of bullying .

Its not devoid of humanity to say if the bullies had been stopped those children would be alive .

To stop a bully , it has to be nipped early , as young as possible .
Nothing else works .

Sorry , but im not suggesting that the child with the audacity to hit other kids be rewarded by treats . Excluding is the only way that child will learn that bad behaviour should not be rewarded .

Im not suggesting the child be tar and feathered ffs .

Hmm, difficult. I wouldn't like to leave one out. But it is your childs birthday. Do you know his parents? Could you explain whats happened and say you don't want to exclude him, but if he comes they need to come too and keep an eye on him? Either that or invite less then you don't need to worry.

There are a couple of boy at DD2/3's school who are prone to unacceptable behaviour. I have had my children say 'x is naughty.' My reply, without fail is 'Oh, I really like x. What do you like about him?'

DD2, who has her own issues (not behavioural) always, without fail, says 'But 'x' is really naughty. Why do you like them?'

I always say 'Some children find it easy to be 'good'. Some children find it so hard to be 'good' that even when they are trying their hardest they still do 'naughty' things. I like it that 'x' works hard to try.'

We are responsible for how our children see children who have difficulties with their behaviour.

Anyone fancy pointing to the 'This Is My Child' campaign?

Behavioural, Emotional and Social Difficulties (BESD) are recognised SN. There are Special Schools for children with the most BESD, but most have to do their best in a mainstream environment.

Lougle its called Dyslexia , and posting on phone , not ipad with spell correcting software .

Would you invite a theif around to help himself ? No .... same principle .

"Alex's behaviour ranged from spitting at the teacher to just shouting out during reading time. But then became hurting other children eg pulling hair, hitting, pinching."

That isn't the behaviour of a 'bully'.

It's nothing like the same thing. It really isn't.

Maryz , why dont you invite the bully at your childs school around to punch play with your child ?

That is what your suggesting to OP .

lougle but there's a difference between teaching your child to look for the best in other children, and making them dread their birthday party because they've had to invite the child that pushed them over and dragged them along the floor.

Sounds like Alex is a troubled soul.

Anyway - 2 adults for 29 kids aged 6. We had 2 adults to 8 kids aged 8 and I thought that was pushing it.

Fgs these children are 5/6 years old. Alex's behaviour isn't bullying. He's obviously got issues, but you do not leave one child out, from a whole class.

Any parent who does that is a bully IMO.

I would rather see one minute's self-restraint from a child who struggles to contain themselves, than 6 hours of angelic behaviour from a child who has no issues.

I invited the child who pulls DD1's hair on a regular basis, and the child who has pinched, scratched, 'strangled' and pushed DD1 in the recent past, to her party. Because luckily, DD1, who has SN and goes to special school, has been taught and knows that these people are her friends, whatever their behavioural difficulties. They are both lovely, lovely children, who happen to react to events physically at times.

Omg will some of you listen to yourselves.

We still don't know if the child has any sn.. Fwiw, at 6, a lot of children are not diagnosed.
Then there's the garbage about the parents should control the child. Set boundaries. My child, has sn and with gentle reminding they behave... Because as well all know, every child with adhd or whatever, has the same causes, symptoms etc.

People are screaming bullying, because a child pushes over another... Yet adults can call a young child vile and other things and that is fine? No it bloody isn't.

But yea, exclude one child. Don't care about that child. They deserve whatever happens to them right? Doesn't matter that they might have other stuff going on that you don't know about.

Lougle it sounds like "Alex" is disturbed .

Spitting , pinching , hitting hair pulling isnt acceptable behaviour ever .

You would not accept that from another adult , so why expect children to accept it from other children .

It's not ok to exclude one child.

Your child shouldn't have to invite a kid he's scared of.

One adult and one teen is not enough supervision for 30 6 year olds.

The solution seems obvious.

Lougle it sounds like "Alex" is disturbed .

Spitting , pinching , hitting hair pulling isnt acceptable behaviour ever .

You would not accept that from another adult , so why expect children to accept it from other children .