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Original poster

Some family children invited to child free wedding-but not mine.

138 replies

EmeraldJeanie · 03/12/2013 13:56

Hello,
Too scared to put this in AIBU but I have been invited to a family wedding.
My sister's children have been invited to the wedding as of course are the bride and grooms children. Bride and groom siblings children are invited. My children are not. [Sister is closer to bride and groom than me but we have all known each other all our lives and see each other at least once a year]. So my two children will be the only cousins not invited. Apart from children listed wedding will be 'child free'.

I am very upset and am planning to decline invitation politely, without stating the reason and still wishing them a great day. People will know why though as I cried at Sunday lunch over it in front of my parents.
They want me to 'man up' and go on my own leaving children with dh.

I am too hurt for this and dh not keen on option either. I would see my nephews and nieces playing together at wedding while mine are excluded.
So- etiquette wise, is a polite decline [in writing, sent by post] acceptable?
Am I just being bit immature and need to just get over myself and go?

OP posts:
Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 04/12/2013 20:23

Thanks Flora. I agree with you really.
All got a very nasty taste now.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 04/12/2013 20:24

The one and only time this happened to us we declined, but never said why. We could leave DS1, but not DS2 over night as he was being breast fed. DH wouldn't go to the wedding with out me.

We havent seen or heard from the happy couple since. (Despite selecting an expensive gift from the wedding list).

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 04/12/2013 20:24

I don't like to see my Dad so upset. Family is important to him.
First world problems eh?!

OP posts:

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Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 04/12/2013 20:25

Nightmare Lynette. Not going to be ideal whatever we do now as damage has been done.

OP posts:
CreamyCooler · 04/12/2013 20:30

Hope you can get it sorted and the bride to be doesn't get too stressed when she hears about all the drama and can enjoy her big day.

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 04/12/2013 20:32

At present I am not concerned about the bride, just will do whatever makes my Dad calmer.
The wedding is almost incidental now, a trauma to be got through with a smile on my face.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 04/12/2013 20:36

I'm not sure not being invited to a wedding is a first world problem, but I suspect people saying "no children" is.

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 04/12/2013 20:43

Head in hands time.....
Could be driven to drink.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 04/12/2013 20:47

OP, I don't want to sound like a big meanie, but surely you were expecting some sort of fall out by declining the invitation. Didn't you say you discussed this at the weekend with your parents? What did your dad say then?

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 04/12/2013 20:50

You are not a meanie. With my family I expected [but did not want] fall out.

OP posts:
OddFodd · 04/12/2013 20:53

I'm sorry but your dad's feeling are not your problem. You have only had half your family invited to your cousin's wedding. So by inviting only you and your husband, they know that effectively they are only inviting you (without him).

If you don't want to go to the wedding on your own (and I totally understand why you wouldn't want to), then don't go. Whatever the issues now, I suspect you are going to feel 100% worse when you're at the wedding on your own and your sister is there with her husband and her kids. Your cousin is driving a wedge down the middle of your family; you aren't.

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 04/12/2013 20:53

My Dad very quiet and upset at weekend.
I have apologised to him as feel my being upset at the weekend caused him stress and fall out then resulted with wider family discussion [in which I was not involved].
I am flipping involved now.

OP posts:
Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 04/12/2013 20:56

Thanks OddFodd.
What is annoying is that whatever I do now I am the bad guy with my cousin and my sister who I am not liking at the moment.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 04/12/2013 20:58

Do you know what was said in the wider family discussion? Did your sister see your point of view at all, even though she was cross with you? (And have you told your DH yet-I'm keen to know what he thinks!)

I'm inclined to agree with OddFodd.

CreamyCooler · 04/12/2013 21:00

You'll probably get another invite from your cousin inviting you and your DC.

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 04/12/2013 21:02

Dh pissed off with me too initially but we have talked about older relatives and doing what causes them least stress.
Think will watch I'm a celebrity and try and forget it for a bit.
Thanks all for being here.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 04/12/2013 21:02

TBH whatever you do now ,as you said ,there are going to be recriminations so you may as well just do what you want . I really don't see what its got to do with your sister ,her family have been invited so she hasn't got a problem .

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 04/12/2013 21:03

Yes creamycooler and not satisfactory really as would be under duress which is just plain embarrassing.

OP posts:
Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 04/12/2013 21:04

Do you all have families that manage to mind their own business and not sticky beak about? Envious if you do Grin.
Manic grin that was.....

OP posts:
OddFodd · 04/12/2013 21:10

Oh no, my family aren't upfront - we all bitch about one another behind each other's back. I'm not sure if your way isn't more healthy! :o

Hope you manage to resolve it without too much fall out x

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 04/12/2013 21:14

OP, I don't blame you for being upset.

DH and I were invited to a wedding but we were told months in advance that the children were not invited and why not. We were disappointed but totally accepted it and if we hadn't booked a holiday, DH would have gone alone. The difference being no children were invited, no A and B list.

To invite all the family children except for yours is just mean.

cakebar · 04/12/2013 21:17

I don't think you are being oversensitive about this and you sound dignified. Your dad says he is upset that his 'whole' family would not be there - what about your whole family?!

If this was me I would be really questioning if my kids are badly behaved or otherwise annoying though. Or do you have a large number of children?

DontmindifIdo · 04/12/2013 21:17

oh tell your dad you don't want to go now, that if you do go, it'll only be to keep him happy and you shouldn't really go when there's going to be bad feeling, you've declined and that's that. That he should go unless he doesn't want to, but not on your behalf, and (as nicely as possible) stop making a fuss!

Tell your sister to stop turning your polite decline into a drama, that as far as the bride and groom know, you might just be busy, and will only know the reason you're declining if she tells them, so unless she wants to upset the bride and groom, she should keep out of it.

Then book something else to do that day, ideally something with your PILs...

CreamyCooler · 04/12/2013 21:19

But were all family children invited? Does the groom have cousins who have children that were not invited? It sounds like bride and grooms children, their nieces and nephews and one set of cousins once removed (as they live close by and see each other regularly) so that mY not be all family children.

Yama · 04/12/2013 21:19

EmeraldJeanie - if you are the bad guy anyway, why not save yourself a whole heap of dosh and not go?