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Original poster

Some family children invited to child free wedding-but not mine.

138 replies

EmeraldJeanie · 03/12/2013 13:56

Hello,
Too scared to put this in AIBU but I have been invited to a family wedding.
My sister's children have been invited to the wedding as of course are the bride and grooms children. Bride and groom siblings children are invited. My children are not. [Sister is closer to bride and groom than me but we have all known each other all our lives and see each other at least once a year]. So my two children will be the only cousins not invited. Apart from children listed wedding will be 'child free'.

I am very upset and am planning to decline invitation politely, without stating the reason and still wishing them a great day. People will know why though as I cried at Sunday lunch over it in front of my parents.
They want me to 'man up' and go on my own leaving children with dh.

I am too hurt for this and dh not keen on option either. I would see my nephews and nieces playing together at wedding while mine are excluded.
So- etiquette wise, is a polite decline [in writing, sent by post] acceptable?
Am I just being bit immature and need to just get over myself and go?

OP posts:
momb · 04/12/2013 15:41

So your cousin, whom you only see once a year, is getting married.
They have invited their own children, their sibling's children, and the children of a cousin they see very regularly, but otherwise no other children.

The fact that the cousin they see regularly (and whose children are presumably good friends with their own) is your sibling isn't really an issue.

Your children are not being treated as second rate, just as less familiar to the couple and their children, which is true.

If you don't want to go, then decline, but really, is this actually worth being upset about? Weddings are limited numbers, priced per head, really expensive things; if you are determined that your children go to this primarily child unfriendly event, then phone and explain that you can't get a sitter, and offer to pay for your children's dinners. definitely not worth causing a family rift over.

JRmumma · 04/12/2013 15:44

What momb said

ShoeWhore · 04/12/2013 15:58

Well said momb

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zzzzz · 04/12/2013 16:20

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roadwalker · 04/12/2013 16:30

I don't think you are rude or childish
True- it is up to the bride and groom who they invite but there is no getting away from the fact that it will have repercussions on how guests feel
A close work mate of mine got married. I was invited to evening only, fine. I had to travel and find childcare.
It didn't help that it was the worst night do ever, despite turning up an hour after invite stated the day guests were still eating, no space in the room for night guests, asking for money by poem, and only a poxy bit of cake to eat

But then I discovered that another work mate who didn't see said friend out of work at all (but was line manager, arse licking?) had been to the day

Of course it was up to my friend who she invited but it changed about how I felt about our friendship and I have put a lot less effort into that friendship since then

JRmumma · 04/12/2013 17:03

"im obviously incapable of explaining that if you are rude people wont come to your parties"

This is what i don't get - what is rude exactly? If its inviting one person's kids but not another's then I don't agree. Otherwise im missing your point!

I wouldn't expect anyone to pursue it with me, nor would i feel like i owed anyone an explanation. If i did feel like i should explain my reasons then i would have done so before the invite went out.

That's what im saying, the b&g probably don't think they have done anything wrong. They likely have a reason for which kids are invited (i.e. Close family only) and OP isn't close family. In their heads im sure they feel they have done this the fairest way possible and are not being rude. There may be other cousins on either side which also have children so have invited adults only, with the exception of OP's sisters kids, who they see all the time.

zzzzz · 04/12/2013 17:11

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JRmumma · 04/12/2013 17:16

They may be the only other cousins though, on her side. There may be many more on the other side, all of which aren't invited.

zzzzz · 04/12/2013 17:18

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roadwalker · 04/12/2013 17:21

Of course it is up to B & G what they do but it is up to guests to then decide what they do
No-one should be under any obligation to attend or to be told how to feel about it

JRmumma · 04/12/2013 17:26

That's the crux for me zzz, SHE feels less valued. The couple probably don't know that and i imagine didn't intend that to be the case.

zzzzz · 04/12/2013 17:29

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JRmumma · 04/12/2013 17:42

Of course you can but that's just life, not a reason to question your every action or someone elses for that matter.

zzzzz · 04/12/2013 17:47

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JRmumma · 04/12/2013 17:53

You are assuming that a host/ess would KNOW how all of the guests feel. On a once a year relationship basis they probably don't know her much at all. If it was me id probably not have invited her at all to be honest.

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 04/12/2013 18:34

I will dip in quickly and then run again! [op here]!!
Once a year a big effort is made for aunts, uncles, cousins , surviving Grannys etc to meet for day at one of our houses [usually the biggest one which is my sisters or my parents]. We make the effort to go over [with food etc] and it is seen as an important thing to do to keep relations in family going, especially amongst the children. Elder relatives find it particularly important and say so. It does seem odd to me that my children are not invited to wedding as cousin get togethers seen as important even if not frequent [this wedding will be the once a year event this year].
So, over sensitive I possibly am but no I am not going. To me it is a snub.
By the next annual get together I may be able to feel more robust about it, though will certainly be aware of my status in this cousin's eyes, I will behave myself!
Family dynamics can be complex as I'm sure most will agree......

OP posts:
CreamyCooler · 04/12/2013 19:05

Do you think that's why you are so upset because your DC are missing out on the once a year event and the older relatives seeing them etc which happens to be the wedding. Do you think you would have been as upset if their was the usual once a year thing and the wedding?

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 04/12/2013 19:46

All kicking off here. Will update when resolved in some way.
Bloody families.
Why can't a polite decline just be accepted?
Nightmare situation brewing. People interfering.

OP posts:
OddFodd · 04/12/2013 20:03

Oh dear. If your children are the only ones who haven't been invited from the 'big family get together' guest list, there is no way your cousin wouldn't have known the upset this would have caused.

Stick to your guns Emerald!

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 04/12/2013 20:06

I feel a name change coming on. Shame, I like this one.
Sister shouted at me, Dad on verge of break down and saying won't go to wedding if we are not invited as full family.
So, I have fallen on my sword. Pacified Dad [a bit], pissed off dh will look after kids and I will go to sodding wedding and hope not on same table as my sodding sister.

OP posts:
Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 04/12/2013 20:08

Crossed posts oddfodd. Don't think I can stick to my guns without causing major upset. Bride and groom couldn't give a toss I don't think but not really about them anymore. Just need to stop my Dad having a heart attack over stress.

OP posts:
ems1910 · 04/12/2013 20:12

Why did your sister shout at you? You were polite! :/

I am dreading this at my wedding, I want small and invite everyone to the evening but OH says all cousins including children should be there all day, an extra 70+ for him to pay for then!

bigbrick · 04/12/2013 20:16

Perhaps your sisters kids are more friends of the children of the bride & groom.

Floralnomad · 04/12/2013 20:19

But you are not going as a whole family ,half of yours are not invited . I think you are silly to change your mind about going alone ,your dad can make his own choice its nothing to do with you .

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 04/12/2013 20:21

I just think there are differing views [even within the same family] about the importance of 'family'.
What a mine field.
Sister just thought polite decline was rude and making a 'point' and I should accept my status in all this.

Dh will do his nut when he realises what I have semi agreed to. [Work at moment].
Cousin aware.........
As for cost? Well weddings are very costly for guests too and I think bride and grooms often forget that.

OP posts: