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Original poster

Some family children invited to child free wedding-but not mine.

138 replies

EmeraldJeanie · 03/12/2013 13:56

Hello,
Too scared to put this in AIBU but I have been invited to a family wedding.
My sister's children have been invited to the wedding as of course are the bride and grooms children. Bride and groom siblings children are invited. My children are not. [Sister is closer to bride and groom than me but we have all known each other all our lives and see each other at least once a year]. So my two children will be the only cousins not invited. Apart from children listed wedding will be 'child free'.

I am very upset and am planning to decline invitation politely, without stating the reason and still wishing them a great day. People will know why though as I cried at Sunday lunch over it in front of my parents.
They want me to 'man up' and go on my own leaving children with dh.

I am too hurt for this and dh not keen on option either. I would see my nephews and nieces playing together at wedding while mine are excluded.
So- etiquette wise, is a polite decline [in writing, sent by post] acceptable?
Am I just being bit immature and need to just get over myself and go?

OP posts:
MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 03/12/2013 14:16

Oh, well, then yabu. Immediate family (siblings etc) fine, but children of cousins they barely see? nope. Decline if you wish but I dont think you should expect your dcs to be invited.

Inneedoftea · 03/12/2013 14:16

At the end of the day it is their wedding and they will choose who to invite. That said, of course you are hurt, I would be too.

I would not want to go without my DH either, who would?

I would decline politely and if asked just say you were unable to find suitable childcare.

OddFodd · 03/12/2013 14:16

There is no way you can invite one cousin's children to your wedding and not another one's (especially if they are sisters) without it coming across as very rude indeed.

I would definitely decline.

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MrsCampbellBlack · 03/12/2013 14:17

I just think they're much closer to your sister's children and hence they're invited where as they hardly know your DH or your children sadly.

Just decline politely - say you have a prior engagment.

seafoodudon · 03/12/2013 14:18

I turned down a wedding invitation that didn't include our DD when she was about 9 months old. I wasn't at all offended as it was an entirely child free wedding and not good friends at all (so totally different circumstances). But I did say 'thank you, I'd have loved to come but can't get childcare arranged for the whole day'. This might be a good way for you to emphasise the issue/make them aware, without actually starting a row?

LemonBreeland · 03/12/2013 14:21

Totally fine to decline. As you say, you wouldn't enjoy the day. It is not impolite to decline an invitation.

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 03/12/2013 14:22

I am so impressed with the response in Etiquette. So fast!
I am hurt. I shall decline and tell my Dad and Dad to tell his brother [my uncle, cousins father who is fond of me] to not play piggy in the middle as best to just keep things simple. I fear pigs will fly before they keep their noses out and an invitation through duress to my children is not what I want either.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 03/12/2013 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JRmumma · 03/12/2013 14:25

As someone who had a child-free wedding and only invited selected family, some all day some evening only depending on how much they were actually involved in our lives...

Is there a reason you can think of for this? For example my cousins who i am close with were invited all day, ones i see at family occasions only were invited evening only, and ones that i see rarely or not at all were not invited. To my knowledge no one had a problem with this, even my aunts and uncles whose kids may have been treated 'less favourably' than others. My DH's family on the other hand were a nightmare about it and thought they had an automatic right to a full invite even though we never see them.

What im trying to say is that you have to appreciate that you just might not be as important to the couple as your sister. Not in a nasty way, but just not as big a part of their lives. And in an effort to be fair overall, they have had to limit some invites.

HedgehogsRevenge · 03/12/2013 14:26

This happened to me recently. I politely declined and gave the real reason which was that there was no-one i could leave ds with for 24 hours (wedding was out of town). I wasn't really bothered, saved me a fortune and there was no fall out, my family understood.

CreamyCooler · 03/12/2013 14:27

YABU and a bit immature. You see your cousin just once a year. She obviously did want to use up four 'spaces' on your family but wanted you and your DH to go.

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 03/12/2013 14:33

I probably am immature but there you go. Feeling hurt is just how I feel.
Wonder what will be on telly that night? Doctor Who I hope Grin.

OP posts:
VerySmallSqueak · 03/12/2013 14:47

You feel what you feel OP.

I think it's more mature to acknowledge that and respond accordingly, rather than pussy foot around to placate the sensibilities of others who didn't give two hoots about your sensibilities.

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 03/12/2013 14:53

Thank you VerySmallSqueak. Going to post polite decline now on way to school pickup.
Thanks everyone for views.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 03/12/2013 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whentheredredrobingoesbobbobbo · 03/12/2013 15:05

I would also go on a lovely family day out that day like a zoo or a theme park have. Nice meal out too on way home and really make a day of it
Perhaps even turn it into a weekend away if funds allow

Have a great time op
You are not doing anything wrong so enjoy yourself and your kids

Jenny70 · 03/12/2013 15:06

I agree, decline. My cousin did this, "child free wedding" involved all children within our family, except mine. After he'd talked about it in front of them on many occasions, and it involved travel, and my children's grandma (cousin's aunt) had come from overseas for it (so everyone knew, all very excited etc). Our children were technically one rung further away on the family tree, but are same ages and see more of him than the closer related children. Bride had no children in her family equivalent, so no can of worms there had ours been included. Cousin did even mention asking older children further removed on the family tree (but nearly adult aged), when I did point out that meant we would be declining, as I'd asked them to babysit.

We took our children to the church (slightly naughty of us!), then had older children babysit for the reception. As it turned out, my Dad went back early after the meal and "babysat" (ie. went to bed) allowing younger relatives to come for some dancing after dinner...

JRmumma · 03/12/2013 15:07

But you do have to grade your friends and family zzzz if you simply cannot invite everyone. Why should a bride and groom invite children or even adults that they never see to their wedding, if its at the expense of inviting someone they would rather have there?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 03/12/2013 15:08

It's not immature to decline an invitation. You don't want to go under the conditions they have laid out.

The rude thing to do is to say you are going and then not turn up - as 2 my guests did at my wedding.

Bowlersarm · 03/12/2013 15:14

I think you've already gone now OP but on the off chance you haven't, are your DC much younger than all the other DC? Clutching at straws but maybe they are only have children over a certain age?

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 03/12/2013 16:12

Thanks to all of you.

Bowlersarm, they are of similar age to all other cousins.
Like your approach Jenny70!
I have posted a polite decline giving no reason apart from that dh and I are unable to attend. I have wished them a lovely day, love to all of them and signed off nicely.
Just upset my equilibrium somewhat.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 03/12/2013 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 03/12/2013 16:31

Rightly or wrongly I would have felt somewhat cattle class.

A lot of money [would involve hotel stay] plus organising childcare to just feel like second class sister, cousin, and generally crap.
Not got the confidence to pull that off in front of close family who will be there.

OP posts:
JRmumma · 03/12/2013 17:05

I agree zzz that you wouldn't want to make anyone feel like that but sending someone an invite to evening only, or just adults no kids sends that message without you having to do anything wrong other than send out your invites. The OP has, from what i can gather, took offence to her invite WITHOUT actually knowing the reasons so there is nothing that the b&g can do about that. She MAY be being snubbed or viewed as cattle class, OR just may not be as close to the couple as her sibling. Unless she asks though, being classes as a second rate guest is all in her own head.

Sorry OP but if it bothers you that much and think you are being treated unfairly then you should speak to them about it. They may just have good reasons and/or didn't think you would be that bothered. But do speak to them, this type of unspoken resentment can ruin a family. If they are in fact being arses then at least you'll know to scrub them off the Xmas card list!

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 03/12/2013 17:17

I don't think they will see themselves as snubbing me JRmumma but that is how I perceive it. I can't see how they can change my mind on that but am not planning to ask them as see no benefit to doing so.

Don't want my children to get a pity invitation or to get one because cousin has been pressurised by his Dad [which might happen].

The damage has been done even if only in my head.

OP posts: