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Original poster

Some family children invited to child free wedding-but not mine.

138 replies

EmeraldJeanie · 03/12/2013 13:56

Hello,
Too scared to put this in AIBU but I have been invited to a family wedding.
My sister's children have been invited to the wedding as of course are the bride and grooms children. Bride and groom siblings children are invited. My children are not. [Sister is closer to bride and groom than me but we have all known each other all our lives and see each other at least once a year]. So my two children will be the only cousins not invited. Apart from children listed wedding will be 'child free'.

I am very upset and am planning to decline invitation politely, without stating the reason and still wishing them a great day. People will know why though as I cried at Sunday lunch over it in front of my parents.
They want me to 'man up' and go on my own leaving children with dh.

I am too hurt for this and dh not keen on option either. I would see my nephews and nieces playing together at wedding while mine are excluded.
So- etiquette wise, is a polite decline [in writing, sent by post] acceptable?
Am I just being bit immature and need to just get over myself and go?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 03/12/2013 17:30

If you don't want to go, they you can just decline the invitation, but I agree with those who think you are being completely oversensitive and possibly immature to cry about it (unless you have other hormonal things going on and this little thing has just been the thing that tipped you over the edge ???). You are a cousin, who, along with her husband has been invited to a wedding. It's not at all strange that your dc aren't invited if you are in a 'once a year' sort of relationship.
The fact your sister has a different relationship is neither here nor there.
The fact that you might have chosen to have done differently if you had been getting married, is neither here nor there.
They were not being unreasonable in choosing not to invite children they don't know well nor see often. If you find it difficult to be apart from them for a few hours, that is your situation to deal with, and not the B&G's. But it's an easy solution in that you can say 'No thanks,I don't want to go' - as is said so often on here - it's an invitation, not a command / summons.

ShoeWhore · 03/12/2013 17:31

OP I am sorry to hear you are so upset by this.

However, I can't help but think that it is a lot to expect a cousin who you rarely see to invite all four of you to her wedding. You say the wedding is otherwise child-free (apart from bride and groom's dcs and your sister's) so presumably there are friends' dcs that she sees all the time who aren't invited either?

I really don't think they are snubbing you. You said yourself you see your cousin maybe once a year and she is much closer to your sister.

To put this in perspective, dh and I have a lot of cousins between us and have only ever been invited to the evening do of their weddings without children. I totally understand why and it's no problem (some of those invitations we have declined, as we don't have a lot of options for overnight babysitting)

Would you not reconsider and get a babysitter and go?

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 03/12/2013 17:56

It is done now. I have declined politely, giving no reason.

Not prepared to spend petrol, hotel money etc to sit at a table quite possibly with my sister's children and not my own. I would have been happy to organise child care for a truly child free wedding and would have enjoyed it.
Am aware being sensitive but there it is.
I have a feeling this won't be the end of the matter with certain relatives but as far as I am concerned the matter is closed.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

General relationships Weddings
Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 03/12/2013 18:04

Am aware above post sounds churlish but that is how I feel and best to just decline quietly and ask others in family not to get involved.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/12/2013 18:09

DON'T get involved or drawn into anyone's comments! Just repeat, over and over, 'It didn't work for our family,' and leave it at that.

zzzzz · 03/12/2013 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsHighwater · 03/12/2013 18:24

As far as I can recall, DH and I made sure that no-one was not invited to our wedding who was the same degree of relationship to us as one who was invited. That would have been rude.

TheBookofRuth · 03/12/2013 18:26

We have a similar situation next year with a friend's "child-free" wedding...

Except the groom's daughter will be there - well, yes , fair enough, of course she will.

And another couple we know will be bringing their baby as she's too little to be left - completely understandable , very hard to leave the tinies behind.

And two other friends are bringing their little boy because it's too far for them to travel without him - fine, except wait just a bleeding minute, we're on the other side of the Atlantic and it'd be an eight hour flight and a three day stay minimum so not exactly bloody local for us either!

I've told DH he can go if he wants but I will be staying at home with DD.

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 03/12/2013 18:40

ThebookofRuth- my word at their audacity! Yes, dh on his own if he really wants to go and you can justify the cost.
Thanks expat and zzzz.
I think MsHighwater that is being the only child cousins not invited which is my sticking point.
Wedding etiquette is a tricky area that does not bring best out in people- and I do include myself in that!

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 03/12/2013 18:46

Sounds like you've handled it well.

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 03/12/2013 18:53

Thanks Sauvignon. You have also reminded me that once children in bed nice glass of white wine would be nice!

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 03/12/2013 18:59

You're welcome! Grin

Groovee · 03/12/2013 19:07

We declined a family wedding because our children weren't invited. On the day if the wedding, my cousin who doesn't live in the UK pm'ed me demanding to know why we weren't there. I refused to answer her. Just kept saying "Because we're not!"

Part of the reason why I refused to go was they were invited to my dh's 40th. Not one of them replied, turned up at the wedding or offered him a happy birthday via text/email/card.

If you don't want to go, then send a with regret card and say no more.

Groovee · 03/12/2013 19:09

Birthday party not wedding. And my children were the only ones not invited as they invited my parents other 8 grandchildren.

Original poster
EmeraldJeanie · 03/12/2013 19:14

Well done for not getting drawn into reasons Groovee. Hope I can be as strong if questioned. With regret card already sent...

OP posts:
Jackthebodiless · 03/12/2013 20:27

You're right to be upset, and I'm afraid I'd stay away and let them know why. They must have known it was quite a controversial thing to do.

JRmumma · 04/12/2013 00:17

zzzz - so they shouldn't be left wondering but its bad manners to discuss? How do you get out of that one then?

You will only wonder if it bothers you. Whether that's because you HAVE been snubbed or because you are being a bit precious. Either way if you want to get to the bottom of it all im saying is that its better to have that conversation yourself than get into the situation re other family members getting involved as OP describes above.

zzzzz · 04/12/2013 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

givemeaclue · 04/12/2013 10:31

Now plan something really fun to do with your own family on that date.

Floggingmolly · 04/12/2013 10:43

Are your children vastly different ages? If your sisters kids are teens and yours are toddlers it's more understandable?

JRmumma · 04/12/2013 11:27

Sure its bad manners to ask why you weren't all invited, but it doesn't mean she cant speak to the cousin about it if she is that upset.

I don't really understand what else you are saying though zzzz, it sounds like you ate suggesting that people should only issue invites to entire families so they don't offend anyone, regardless of the b&gs budget or wishes etc.

zzzzz · 04/12/2013 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JRmumma · 04/12/2013 13:44

I probably am over thinking it zzz, but i just don't think that just because its family, or that they are sisters, that it automatically entitles them to be treated the same in this scenario. But i accept that that's my opinion and that people have different opinions and expectations, especially when it comes to weddings.

I don't think its fair to say that friendships would naturally adjust because of this as that implies that someone would play tit for tat if their children weren't invited to an occasion, and that is the wrong thing to do IMO. Its also not a party that OP is talking about, its a wedding, and they can be expensive and all guests incur a cost.

I'm not saying that the b&g are right OR wrong to have not invited the children, but i do think that there is probably a justified reason and if the OP never raises it with them then she will always assume it was a nasty reason not a simple one. Maybe they could have discussed it with her before sending out the invites, and that's probably what id have done, but they might be under alot of pressure at the moment and just not thought that much about it.

Apologies if it seems like in digging you about this, im not, i just find wedding politics fascinating.

zzzzz · 04/12/2013 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JRmumma · 04/12/2013 15:25

I don't see how that's different to what i said in terms of attitude. But i don't consider it bad manners to not invite someone's children to a wedding. Unless its done for unjustifiable reasons.

And just because someone declines an invitation, doesn't mean they wouldn't be a friend anymore.