Tell me your BEST joke!

[charliecat]

Need a laugh:)

Three mice in the airing cupboard. Which one's in the army?

The one on the tank

(ba da bing)

trreacletart i dont get yours....

naswm - the figure 8 looks like an O wearing a tight belt

This is what my daughter said today

knock knock

who's there
computer
computer who?
computer says no.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

sorry couldn't resist that one,

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway
through she leans over and says,
" I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

-Knock Knock

-Who's there?

-Boo

-Boo who

-dont cry, it's only a joke!

fnar fnar

Duck goes into a bar and says to the barman "Got any grapes?"

Barman: Nope, don't sell fruit.
Duck leaves

Next night Duck goes into the same bar "Got any grapes?"

Barman: Nope, told you last night, don't sell fruit!

Next night Duck goes back again "Got any grapes?"

Barman: "Look YOU! Told you last night AND the night before WE DON'T SELL FRUIT. If you come back here again I'll nail your beak to the bar!!!!!"

Duck says "okay okay Jeeeesus, calm down"

Next day, duck goes into the bar again. "Got any nails?"

Barman: NO

Duck: Got any grapes then???

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh.. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone

This is a bit long...

An old couple are out for dinner celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The husband leans over to the wife and says 'do you remember when we were young and we had dinner in this very place and then I took you around the back and made love to you against that fence out there? Let's do it again for old times sake' The wife agrees.
The man sitting behing them hears their conversation and smiles to himself.
The couple leave the table and go outside and the man who heard everything decides 'I have to see this'
He watches the couple hobble up to the fence, the wife drops her knickers and the husband leans in for a kiss before they break into a frenzy of love making up against the fence.
After about two minutes they both fall on the ground moaning and gasping for air. The man walks over to them and asks 'after 60 years of marraige you take your wife over here and make love to her up against a fence like that, please tell me what your secret is?'
The husband says '60 years ago that wasn't an electric fence'
HAHA

Little boy - I wanna get inside your knickers.
Little girl - Why?
Little boy - because I just pissed in mine

Superman is cruising the skys. Life is good as no one is in trouble and he actually has some time to himself. He does a double take, did he see correctly? Yes, he did! There below him is Wonderwoman lying stark naked on top of a building. He starts to mull this over and thinks 'Hey I'm Superman, faster than a speeding bullet etc etc. I could go down there have my way with her and be gone before she even knows it.'
Fast as a(insert fast thing of your choice here) Superman shoots down, does the deed and is away, a mere speck in the sky. Leaving Wonderwoman, who felt a slight tremor, to voice her wonderment (well she is 'Wonder'woman)
"What the F* was that?!!!"
"I haven't a clue", groans the Invisible man from onto of her, "But my bum sure hurts".

man goes to the doctors and says, doctor i don't know how to pronounce my f's, th's and t's. Well, you can't say fairer than that, says doc.

my dd's favourite atm

what is a snakes favourite subject?

hisssssssssssssssssssssstory...

btw dd is only 6!!

What do you call a man with rabbits up his bum?

Warren!!

Love the Phillipe Flop one btw!made me lol

did you hear about the scarecrow who won an award?

He was outstanding in his field

What do you call a line of Barbies?

A Bar-b-que!

Man phones the local builders.

He says :I want a skip outside my house.

Builder says: Well I'm not stopping you.

DS made this one up and told my dad just after my dad told him off rather sternly.
knock knock
who's there?
noone
noone who?
noone likes you

Quite clever but very cheeky

Father & son walking in the park when they come across 2 dogs at it. Son asks 'daddy, what are those dogs doing?' father can't think of anything better, so replies 'son, they're making puppies'.

A few days later the man & his wife where in bed when the boy enters without knocking. The boy asks 'daddy, what are you doing to mummy?'. The best answer that daddy could come up with was 'well son, your mummy & I thought we would try & make a baby'. The boy stands and thinks for a moment before replying 'but daddy, can't you turn mummy over - I would rather have a puppy'.

who is the boss of the hankies?

The handkerchief, boom boom

Man: Doctor, doctor, I have lettuce leaves sticking out of my arse.

Doctor: I fear that's just the tip of the iceberg.

how does a woman how her liquor?

by the ears.

hollyboo lol