Things Girls Should Know - what are your thoughts?

[KateMumsnet]

Last week, author and Mumsnet Blogger Kate Figes appeared on Woman's Hour with Steve Biddulph, author of the recently published Raising Girls.

The programme sparked plenty of discussion, and inspired a couple of interesting posts from Kate, who often writes about being the mother of teenage girls. The first (Things Girls Should Know About Bodies) - is here, and yesterday's post (Things Girls Should Know About Boys) is here.

It got us thinking here about things we'd like our daughters to know when they're older - and we thought we'd throw the discussion open to you. So, what are your own Things That Girls Should Know? Share your thoughts (and URLs if you blog) here.

I already believe the world is a better place because you're in it. Now go and show me how right I am.

Be aware of your fertility, take responsibility for contraception.

You have a place in the world - so occupy it. Occupy space with your opinions and your body. Don't shrink to fit the world, the world will grow to fit you.

If someone isn't having fun, stop. And it is perfectly fine to have (safe) sex for fun.

^^this is all the advice I've/will give to DS by the way. I don't have a DD, but if I did I would tell her exactly the same things.

@MmeLindor: Thanks. My relationships got much better as time went on, but the one I described was my first real one, so it's stuck with me, even today. And I could have had a much better social life during uni if I'd understood what was happening and got shot of him quickly.

My mom, to her credit, did try to tell me before uni that she thought my boyfriend was controlling. But by that age, I was in love and prized having someone interested in me (someone I found reasonably attractive and funny, anyway) and I wouldn't hear a word against him.

I liked the post about teaching younger children to recognize a controlling friend. That's important too.

You can get pregnant the first time, very current at the moment as a girl of 13 pregnant at my kids school.

that some girls are sneaky little bitches and she has to be very careful whom she trusts so she can avoid being absolutely heart broken.

that a person you thought was your best friend for 15 years will tell you that she never considered you to be her best friend and despite you supporting her through the rockiest patch of her marriage she will ignore you when you need the most amount of support having just lost a baby because she can't cope with other people's dramas.
but first she will say that she thought it was actually better that that baby died because she was worried how I would have coped with 5.

that friendships come and go and what really matters is family.

Some of these posts are very sad. Maybe our daughters need to know that if rubbish things happen to them, they mustn't let bad experiences cloud their view of the world (and other people) in general. The world is essentially a good place, and other people - men and women - are essentially good and kind. It is such a horrible thought that people are giving their daughters (or sons) messages that the world is hostile and threatening; that men are out for sex; that they need to secure their financial status for when they are left high and dry by their husbands; that other women/girls can't be trusted.

I agree antimonysalts.

Probablyjustgas I am amazed that that relationship has 'defined you'. He sounds like a needy bore but - abusive, no. I can't imagine anything your mum did would have helped either other than to pour the tea when you moan about him (which I intend to do).

Pony
That is incredibly rude. I'm quite astounded by your complete misreading of the Probably's post. How about you search for a little bit of empathy before ridiculing a woman who has spoken of emotional abuse she suffered.

Abuse isn't just being punched in the face. How would you react if your daughter stopped coming home because her boyfriend wouldn't allow it?

I'm reading this with interest.

I just wanted to say I empathize with probably. Of course I can understand why my parents, and probably others, don't feel equipped to help their children out of abusive relationships. My parents both admitted after I left my ex that they could see things were very wrong but had absolutely no idea how to help.

I wish they had told me this. Just them saying, no, we don't think he seems 'nice', would have helped hugely. Because I'd been brought up to believe most people were decent and caring, and that a bloke who seemed decent and caring would be that way.

I think we need to teach everyone that twisted, abusive relationships don't all look alike. A mate of mine is with a bloke who seems charming and sweet - except he is constantly chipping away at her, making her feel she has to behave a particular way in order to please him. I am really worried about her. I do think it is much, much harder to learn how to read the signs if it's left too late.

Im also surprised by Pony's post. I suggest you take a look at the Womens Aid website and educate yourself about what constitutes abuse. clearly you havent a clue.

probably, thats crap. Im sorry you went through that.

I dont have a girl, I have a ds, but I have taught him to be respectful and kind, to treat women as equals. he even told off our newsagent for displaying the sport on the bottom shelf because its "disgusting and not real and girls arent toys". I am very proud of him.

How to read her own fertility and health and so not be reliant on devises or drugs

I hope by "devices" you don't mean condoms as your way is a recipe for AIDS

Pony you sound like my mother. I am 44 and have a distant relationship with her because she is a narcissist*, and spent all of the time I was growing up, and particularly through my teenage years, telling me to stop being silly, to stop obsessing, to snap out of it, to grow up blah. I hasten to add that, with hindsight, I know I was entirely normal, yet spent years believing I was a "problem child".

In short she was entirely emotionally unavailable to me, because she didn't want to be, and/or had no clue about it nor any desire to change.

I am a rather wonderful person,(oh yes!), but it took me far longer than I would have liked to realise that because of the damaging lessons my mother taught me about good self esteem and self confidence, neither of which she thought it important for me to have.

I tell my dd that I love her every day. A small thing perhaps, but incredibly important. I am going to teach her self worth, and empathy, and I am going to be there for her should she need me. Ah, projection is (sometimes) a wonderful thing!

*Disclaimer-Pony, I am NOT saying that you are a narcissist

I was pleased to see this thread, as I thought it was a great idea.

Now it is just making me sad.

Don't trust men, they are only after one thing.

Don't trust women, they are bitches.

Don't expect your mum to help you out if you get involved with an abusive person.

So many warnings of the terrible fate waiting to trip our girls - most of it coloured by our own experiences.

We have to INSPIRE our girls, not scare the crap out of them.

I think it's a shame that this has become about abusive relationships. Most girls aren't in abusive relationships, and won't be in them either. It is a great shame if girls are being conditioned to think that abusive relationships are so much the norm that they have to make sure they don't end up in one.

I have never been in an even remotely abusive relationship, and I don't know anyone in RL who has. I hope neither of my chidlren ever is, but I wouldn't start alerting them even to the possibility at this stage. If they ever were in one, I'd have plenty to say about it (like: get out and come home) - but I absolutely refuse to accept that all girls need warning against them. A girl with real self-esteem and self-respect is unlikely ever to enter into this kind of relationship. It's not impossible, but unlikely. And that self-esteem and self-respect comes from parents (ideally two parents: fathers are so important to girls too) giving them love, firm boundaries, respect and endless, endless, endless time.

naughtycloud - I think encouraging our DD's to be independent young women is a great place to start. I admire you for wanting this for your DD when you don't feel you had the opportunity yourself to the same extent.

And I really like WF's "I already think the world is a better place because you're in it !
(Go and show me how right I am )"

Antimony
I'm not going to say any more about this as I've stated several times that recognising controlling personalities isn't about men - it's about people who manipulate.

It could be a school friend, a college roommate, a boss, a colleague. Being able to recognise when a friendship isn't good for you is a great skill to have. And being a confident person does not protect you from this kind of person.

Of course it isn't the only thing and there have been great suggestions on here - ranging from the practical to the inspiring.

That working hard at school and getting good qualifications gives you the chance of having a career - which is essential to giving yourself independence. Relying on other people (especially men) is a bad idea for lots of reasons - go into a relationship as an equal, financially and emotionally

secondcoming I said SOME are bitches. like you never met one.

fear not for her innocence, she's 9 months old and I'm not going to tell her about this for a very long time, if ever.

but yes, I will tell her to be cautious about a lot of things - as a parent we all do that, why do you pretend you don't?

you protect them every way you can, what's wrong about telling them to be careful? about anything?

BTW congratulations on your insensitivity as you picked up on "my issues" rather "I'm glad your baby died"
nice one

Be a radiator, not a drain. And spend time with people who are radiators, not drains.

I disagree that you don't know anyone who has ever been in an abusive relationship. Even children are exposed to abusive relationships (this is what bullying is after all).

To state that a girl with real self esteem and self respect is equipped with teflon coating of some sort comes close to saying there was some flaw in women who came under the sway of an abuser, which is a bit like excusing bullies in the school playground.

It does no harm to train children to judge the behaviour of others, to listen carefully and to ponder things that bother them, assess motives, assess the strong points of your position and theirs. Children who end up doing well in business or law or other professions where there is a lot of interaction and a strong 'political' element are children who have been trained to be shrewd. My grandmother would have had a very different life if her step grandmother, back in turn of the century Ireland (a man's world if ever there was one) hadn't been a tough cookie, with her head screwed firmly on, able to run her small farm, hire and fire rough workmen, deal with the bank and then the Black and Tans, turn away granny's relatives when her father died and they came to claim her (and possibly turn her into a domestic skivvy with no hope of an education) on the grounds that she had made a solemn promise to her late husband, granny's father, to bring up granny and her half sister and provide a good life for them. She was a formidable woman.

'Trust but verify' is a good motto.

Firm boundaries, firm expectations for performance at school and contribution at home, mutual respect, open paths of communication, modelling respectfulness and consideration for others, modeling service to others in the community, knowing what battles are worth fighting and not letting hobby horses get in the way of the essential relationship -- all important for parents.

I guess I put my story out there because the original blog hit home with me, as did an article posted much earlier on in this thread, about warning signs.

Everyone's got to trust their instincts, obviously. Maybe a lot of us trying to warn kids about what bad relationships look like would just come across as hostile and paranoid. Maybe I would come across that way too, although I certainly hope not.

But I would like to remind everyone that just because someone appears to be confident, doesn't mean they actually are. And even when someone does things that require lots of self-confidence - such as perform onstage, or try out for a sport, or move abroad at age 23 - it doesn't mean they will naturally "get it" when it comes to relationships. I was unhappy for years and didn't have to be. If I can say something at the right time that will allow my stepdaughter to somehow avoid that herself, I will be content.

and I only said what I said because I agree with all the lovely things other people had posted before me, but there has to be a balance.

you have to teach them about the good, the bad (and even the ugly ) and then let them make up their own minds.

you can't pretend life is a bed of roses, coz it ain't.