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Original poster

Ex and big secret

68 replies

Fromthepastupset · 19/05/2012 13:00

This will be long but I'm quite upset and really don't know what to do at all.

When I was 18 I met a guy and we dated for about 9 months, we broke up pretty amicably, I had just started my nursing degree when we split.

A few weeks later I realised I was pregnant, there was no easy way to contact him as it was pre mobiles etc and he lived in a different city.

Anyway i decided to have an abortion, it was pretty early on so just took tablets at clinic and that was that really, I told no one, only my college lecturer who helped with appointment etc.
I pretty much just buried it really deep and pretended it had never happened, never thought about it etc. Never saw the ex boyfriend again.

I met my partner a few years later, 12 years on and two kids later we are very happy, I have never disclosed I had the abortion.

Anyway last week my toddler was playing with the tv remote and went to a channel I would never have on and there was the ex boyfriend, seems to be a show he is regularly on. I just stood looking and thought I was going to get sick, the thought that I had an abortion, god I can't believe what i did.

I decided to send him a message on Facebook and say hi, all very friendly, he was delighted to hear from me, had a lovely chat & a catch up.

I really want to tell him what i did, he is doing, let's say an unusual job, one in which I guess he maybe brings people comfort and I want him to forgive me and do the same for me, his job is something people would be sceptical about probably but I wonder would there be any information he could pass on to me, sorry I know this sounds mad and cryptic.

DP knows I saw ex on TV but not that we have been in touch, I have never ever kept any thing from him except for the abortion he is my absolute soul mate.

Sooooooo what to do, my head is wrecked and I feel really down just feel like I have secrets from everyone.

Should I tell ex? Should I tell DP? Tell both? Neither?

Regular, so hoping to feck name change has worked.

OP posts:
turnigitonitshead · 19/05/2012 18:13

well I do think xena has a point, the op did not care about his feelings, acceptance etc at the time and not sure what she could possibly think telling him now would gain other than appeasing her own guilt, however she may not get that from him, she is more likely to get a similar reaction to what xena has posted. I think it would be very unfair and selfish if op where to now tell him. Tell your dp and talk with a councelor now if you need to tell anyone, but dont meddle in this mans life now that would be a very cruel can of worms to deliver.

maristella · 19/05/2012 18:31

Sometimes you have to put other peoples feelings aside just to survive.

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 19/05/2012 18:38

I am surprised at the responses on here. The op has explained why she didn't tell him back then, she had no way of contacting him. This has in fact been her first opportunity for her to do so. The op obviously feels there is some unfinished business and has been feeling string emotion over something that she buried and has cone back to the surface. And you are advising her to bury it again? If her dh and her ex are decent people, they will respect her decision to tell them and understand. I know I wouldn't want somebody I loved to keep a secret that was causing them so much pain just to spare my feelings. Sad

amillionyears · 19/05/2012 18:55

Xenia thrives on the attention.

timetoask · 19/05/2012 19:00

I find it odd that you have never confided on your DH after 12 years together.
I don't think it is a good idea to talk about this now with anyone.

Theala · 19/05/2012 19:33

This is easy. Talk about it with your Dh if you feel you need to. It was x years ago, so really shouldn't have any influence on your current situation. But talking about it might help you to put it in context.

Don't talk about it with your ex as he sounds like a total fucking weirdo now. Seriously.

waltermittymissus · 19/05/2012 19:52

Hmmm. I didn't particularly like Xenia's post but it has made me think...OP you sound like you almost want your ex to forgive you but really, you could very well get the opposite. Imagine the scenario! You tell him this and what? What if he's crushed, angry, devestated...what if he tells you it wasn't JUST your decision to make? What if he does start throwing around phrases about killing his baby (though I'm loathe to even type that!)

I'm just saying, you don't know him anymore. Just because you saw him on tv. Talk to your dh about it because the deceit about the messages won't help the situation. But YOU need to forgive you in order to move on. Bringing it up now will just add to the upset and drama.

nkf · 19/05/2012 20:10

Why on earth is she going to contact some man from her past and tell him about her abortion? The guy didn't even know she was pregnant. And what on earth is her ex going to think about his wife swanning off down Memory Lane?

Sure, she needs to deal with her feelings. Hers. Not going around messing with someone else's. If it's unprocessed, then process it. But leave the TV guy alone. Honestly, if he's even half way famous, he probably gets mad letters every day and this will be another one.

Some things are better off in boxes.

Original poster
Fromthepastupset · 19/05/2012 20:23

Thank you all for the input, I have had rather a mad afternoon and have laid the past to rest in more ways than one.

DP, knew there were a few years of my life that i don't like to talk about before we met, he has always accepted that, with no questions.
Now he understands fully why and is glad I told him at last, wasn't a big deal at all and feel much better that he knows, it wasnt a surprise to him really.

I have also contacted ex and we spoke on the phone ( with DP's knowledge and support, he thought that i needed to talk to ex so went out for a bit).

Don't want to go into it too much, but there was so much love and understanding and we talked for an hour, I think I was meant for some reason to see him last week and well I'm glad now that I did. He has grown up to be a wonderful person and we will keep in touch.

So tonight I am sitting with my beautiful family around me and I know the path i took turned out to be the right one.

Thank you all, even you Xenia for proving once again that indeed you are cunt.

OP posts:
Xenia · 19/05/2012 20:35

I'm glad it all seems to be working out. I gave what is often the man's point of view - how he might see it (and indeed how all the mumsnetter anti abortionists see it). Say a year later he became infertile and can now never have children. He may when told feel rather cross about it (or indeed want evidence it were true). I was just going in to how he might feel. In general in life disclosures of adultery etc relieve the guilt of the person saying it but then cause even more harm so tend to be a fairly selfish act.

RabidAnchovy · 19/05/2012 20:40

Leave it well alone, really that will be best all round

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 19/05/2012 20:45

I'm so glad. I knew that if it was just all out in the open it would seem like much less of a massive issue. I was quite surprised at some of the responses, but I am quite an open and honest person and don't really like keeping secrets and burying feelings. Not quite the same situation, but when I fell pregnant with my dd with my new dp, I was moving out of the area and I called my ex and told him that I was of and moving away. A lot of people on here would probably think that's weird, but he had been my best friend for 4 years and I wanted to let him know I was moving away and not just slink off. It just felt right to tell him, I wasn't rubbing his nose in it or anything, we both had moved on and had new partners. When I spoke to him he thanked me and wished me well, he said he would have hated it if he had heard from someone else. I expect your ex is really honoured that you chose to share this with him at the first opportunity you had. Your dh sounds lovely too btw. Now you can move on and truly lay it to rest, rather than burying it and pretending it never happened, and being haunted by it for the rest of your life. Xxx

SinicalSanta · 19/05/2012 20:52

I'm glad things are looking up. But I doubt all these feelings will be resolved in one afternoon, well as it went. You said ex is lovely and you'll keep in touch. I'd be a little concerned about the feelings if the past and present getting muddled and causing grief. Just something to be mindful of

Original poster
Fromthepastupset · 19/05/2012 21:40

I have decided to have a few therapy sessions with our staff counsellor as well.
Will arrange when I am back at work.
Both of these men have been truly remarkable in very different ways today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fromthepastupset · 19/05/2012 21:42

Realhousewife, meant to say, thank you so much for your lovely posts.

OP posts:
realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 19/05/2012 21:46

Aw shucks! Blush And although I suppose you may have some residual issues, I suspect you will feel much lighter now tbh, and if you do ever feel bad, at least now you can talk to your dh. X

chipmonkey · 21/05/2012 01:43

Fromthepast, I'm glad it has all worked out and both these men have come up trumps. FWIW, I have read a lot of spiritual-type books since my dd died and have never come across a medium who was anti-abortion ( not saying there aren't any but it doesn't seem to be a trend IYKWIM.)
I'm glad you're getting counselling. I know a lot of women soldier on after terminations but I do think it's no harm at all to come to terms with that decision, burying things is never good.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 21/05/2012 11:05

I'm really pleased you have had such a lovely outcome :)

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