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Original poster

Ex and big secret

68 replies

Fromthepastupset · 19/05/2012 13:00

This will be long but I'm quite upset and really don't know what to do at all.

When I was 18 I met a guy and we dated for about 9 months, we broke up pretty amicably, I had just started my nursing degree when we split.

A few weeks later I realised I was pregnant, there was no easy way to contact him as it was pre mobiles etc and he lived in a different city.

Anyway i decided to have an abortion, it was pretty early on so just took tablets at clinic and that was that really, I told no one, only my college lecturer who helped with appointment etc.
I pretty much just buried it really deep and pretended it had never happened, never thought about it etc. Never saw the ex boyfriend again.

I met my partner a few years later, 12 years on and two kids later we are very happy, I have never disclosed I had the abortion.

Anyway last week my toddler was playing with the tv remote and went to a channel I would never have on and there was the ex boyfriend, seems to be a show he is regularly on. I just stood looking and thought I was going to get sick, the thought that I had an abortion, god I can't believe what i did.

I decided to send him a message on Facebook and say hi, all very friendly, he was delighted to hear from me, had a lovely chat & a catch up.

I really want to tell him what i did, he is doing, let's say an unusual job, one in which I guess he maybe brings people comfort and I want him to forgive me and do the same for me, his job is something people would be sceptical about probably but I wonder would there be any information he could pass on to me, sorry I know this sounds mad and cryptic.

DP knows I saw ex on TV but not that we have been in touch, I have never ever kept any thing from him except for the abortion he is my absolute soul mate.

Sooooooo what to do, my head is wrecked and I feel really down just feel like I have secrets from everyone.

Should I tell ex? Should I tell DP? Tell both? Neither?

Regular, so hoping to feck name change has worked.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 19/05/2012 15:37

If your ex is a psychic or a medium, he will know about your abortion, if he is worth his salt (ie not a conman).

Dont tell him. If you need to tell somebody, tell your dp. He is your soulmate. Frankly, if you and him are so close, something you did as a very very young woman before you met him, is hardly going to come between you? You did what was right for you then. And for that reason, it is still right for you now. Your life would have taken a totally different direction without the abortion, and you might not have met your dp and had your children. Dont let this upset you.

Xenia · 19/05/2012 16:09

You killed his child without his consent or knowledge. I doubt he is going to be very pleased. Why burden him? By all means tell your husband. Why does your husband not know anyway?

SchrodingersMew · 19/05/2012 16:15

Xenia What a lovely person you sound, make the OP feel worse why don't you?
Do you not have anything better to do with your time?

SchrodingersMew · 19/05/2012 16:17

Oh and she wouldn't need his consent or knowledge, it is her body.

LowFlyingBirds · 19/05/2012 16:27

He is not a medium or psychic. They dont exist. Its very simple, nobody has ever been able to provide proof of their 'gift' when really it would be the easiest thing in th world, wouldnt it?
I say this because its an important point, what you want from him he cant possibly give you.
Also, please dont think he can add anything positive to your life, he is willing to exploit the grief and distress of people who turn to him and his like. See him for what he is and be glad he isnot in your life.
You did nothing wrong in having an abortion, it wa right for you at the time. Please dont give this morally bankrupt man such a powerful (for you) peice of infornation.
Tell your dh if you want to, only you can decide whether there would be qny point in that or not.

maristella · 19/05/2012 16:31

Xenia a woman does not a mans permission to continue with or terminate a pregnancy.

I am reporting your post because the OP is obviously distressed, and your words were designed to cause her further distress. Unnecessary.

AmberLeaf · 19/05/2012 16:33

Ive reported Xenias post too.

Gigondas · 19/05/2012 16:43

I am sorry but I dont see how xenias post is reportable -it's not a personal attack or trolling even If it might upset the op

And op- I think the only "sign" about seeing your ex is that maybe you do need some counselling or help to discuss what happened. However agree with others that telling him will do no good.

maristella · 19/05/2012 16:45

I reported it because I think it was a cruel statement to make to an obviously distressed OP.

Completely agree that the OP would benefit from some counselling.

pumpkinsweetie · 19/05/2012 16:49

Xenia-wow your very opinionated, lets hope you never have an unwanted pregnancyGrin

Gigondas · 19/05/2012 16:50

Maris- that isn't usually grounds to get stuff deleted (there was a particularly vitriolic poster on similar theme who didn't get barred)

Codandchops · 19/05/2012 16:54

I agree with virtually everyone else here, these are deep unresolved feelings about the termination and seeing your ex has just opened the floodgates. I think it might help to talk to someone about this - GP, counsellor who could help you look at this from an outside point of view.

maristella · 19/05/2012 16:58

I live in hope Gig :)

I just don't like someone being kicked when they are down; OP came on here for support, not to be vilified.

I know abortion is a difficult subject on which people can have very strong feelings either way, but Xenia's post was unpleasant.

TangerinePuppet · 19/05/2012 17:01

Once again Xenia has proved that extreme wealth does not make one immune from being a total nobber.

QueenEdith · 19/05/2012 17:02

I wouldn't put it as Xenia did, but there is an underlying point there: at the time of the termination, you did not think he could offer you anything (you may not have had a mobile then, but other phones existed, as did the possibility of a trip back). You need to remember why you thought he he wasn't worth it then, and remember too that the chances are that this reasons still apply.

I agree that finding someone to talk through your feelings would be a positive step.

TheProvincialLady · 19/05/2012 17:07

I think the best thing to do would be to block your ex on Facebook and tell your DP all about it. Not because you have done a terrible thing that you need to confess, but because it is obviously a burden to you and you should be able to share that with your partner. Or if you can't face that - or think he would be judgemental - do consider having some counselling. Just burying this again is likely to lead to another odd reaction to something months or years down the line.

wheredidyoulastseeit · 19/05/2012 17:10

Do you actually believe that your ex can contact the spirit world, I can't see anything to be gained from contacting him, and you will leave yourself open to be told all sorts of things which he may make up to make you feel bad. as others have said forgive yourself and leave it alone.
also an abortion at that stage is not a bad thing, you were able to get on with your life and that is a good thing.

susiemumof · 19/05/2012 17:16

Xenia that post is terrible Angry

Having a abortion is not the same as killing a child!

The op did what she thought was best in the situation.

DorothyGherkins · 19/05/2012 17:18

Look at your child that you have now. Do you want to do anything that would affect the happy life he has now, andperhaps jeopardise good relationships with his mum and dad? You never know what the repercussions might be if you got in contact - dont go back, look forward with the family that you were meant to have, the ones that are with you now.

seeingstars · 19/05/2012 17:22

You need to put the lid firmly back on this can of worms before it gets out of hand. Is yor ex a physic (sp?)

seeingstars · 19/05/2012 17:24

Has Xenia post been deleted, I can't see it? But I gather she is on form today.

seeingstars · 19/05/2012 17:26

Found it. A lump of sells is not a child xenia

hiveofbees · 19/05/2012 17:29

Whatever you think of Xenias view, you cant be sure that the ex wont see it that way.

Lovecat · 19/05/2012 17:33

Jesus, Xenia Angry

You have just come over as a total bitch. Did you really mean to sound that way?

ChippingIn · 19/05/2012 17:43

Dorothy - why would telling her ex or her DH affect her sons happy life? It was a termination, years before she met her DH, it's really none of his business and he has no right to get all shirty about it. Of course he might be a bit upset she didn't feel able to confide in him, but beyond that - not his business.

As for the Ex - I can see why you feel you want to tell him and see if he can help you deal with your feelings about it, especially given what he does/is.

It is not for anyone else to decide if mediums etc 'exist' or are a lot of crap.

I think it would be a bit daft to put the lid back on this, one way or another you need to deal with your feelings - if you don't do it now, it will come back at another time until you have dealt with it.

I would tell your DH that you have swapped some messages with your ex and I would tell him about the termination, then I would tell him that I wanted to tell the ex and speak to him about it. Frankly, I wouldn't want to be with someone who would flip their lid over that.