Physically deformed man in cafe upset kids.

[hairylipsquid]

I met some other mums and their pre-schoolers in a cafe. After we'd sat down I noticed that a group from a local day care centre for special needs adults were sat at the adjacent table with their carers.

One of the men had a severely deformed head and face (I have to admit it did take me back somewhat). He seemed like he was trying to smile at the kids and made grunting noises like he was trying to say hello, bless him.

The 2 and 3 year-olds in the group (mainly the girls interestingly, the boys tended to just stare) started to scream and cry and say things like 'scary man mummy'. The mums pretty quickly whisked them out of the cafe.

I stayed put but had to answer some pretty loud questions from DS like 'what is the matter with that man?'. (Cue 'some people are born different', 'remember when you watch 'Something Special' conversation.)

It made me feel sad (not only for that poor man although I'm not sure he really understood what was happening) that the knee-jerk reaction had been to remove the children out of sight of the 'scary man'. Or did they do the right thing as their pfb's were being distressed by him?

What would you have done?

Maybe it was sheer embarrassment that their children had said such things and they were trying to eliminate other comments.

I'd have said much the same as you but 2 and 3 year old can really only think in terms of their own world.

Same as you. Everybody is different. Sizes, shapes, colours, religions etc. I would also have answered any questions as sensitively as i could.

Blimey, how awful for the poor man. And such a bad lesson for the children.

I'd have stayed and answered any questions politely and explained it's rude to stare and so on. Maybe smiled at the man or gone over to talk to him and his carers, depending on the situation (I wasn't there, it's hard to tell whether it would have been appropriate or not.)

As a small child I knew people with disabilities and deformities in our village, and among friends and family both adults and children. This was a jolly good thing too, a. because they were included rather than excluded and b. because I never had any chance to be prejudiced or rude - wouldn't have occurred to me and only realised other people were much later.

If my child was screaming I would have removed them because i would not wish to upset the man.

I would hope though that my child would not scream.
I would have expected to manage the situation as you did.

TheButterflyEffect

Ditto

DD used to go to her brothers youth club which was for children with disabilities including very severe ones.
She didn't realise for about three years.

Bloody ridiculous. Whisking them away. How utterly precious.

This is life. Some people are disabled, maimed, ugly whatever. This is a chance to learn in a calm environment with a loving parent gently explaining that people are different. What a fabulous lesson those children have learned.

I was once followed round a swimming pool when I was about 12 by two younger children who wanted to have a 'good look' at my disability. They then followed me into the car park WITH THEIR MOTHERS tugging at their mothers' sleeves and saying 'look, look'.

Their mother's did NOTHING. I remember it to this day and if I were ever to witness that happening now as an adult I would give both mothers a very clear piece of my mind.

I agree with Scurry - when they come out with such things, my automatic reaction is to remove and distract as I don't want to cause anymore offence. I'd have the 'everyone is different' conversation later - but I don't know if this is the right thing to do or not.

My FIL had Parkinson's and used to hate people looking at him when he was shaking or drooling or 'freezing' - I know it's not exactly the same as the OP, but he would have been mortified and would probably have preferred children to be 'removed'. Otoh, I know other people are happy to talk about why they are the way they are - it's a difficult one.

at pass-remarkable.

My dad used to use that all the time. I thought it was an Irisjh thing

Poor bloke, the other Mums should have done what you did.

Riven you were asked to leave tumbletots as your DD upset another child??? The mind boggles, what on earth was the problem?

Riven. Did you make a formal complaint to TT?

Riven, that has made me feel physically sick?
What is the world coming to. You didn't leave?
Don't parent educate their kids on things of the world anymore?

FFS, that's awful.

It is very important to me that my children are comfortable around "different" looking people.

I am a learning disability nurse and often stop to talk to clients past and present when with my children.

Some people look very different with various deformities and some very profound disabilities, my children are very accepting and have never been upset.
Don't think the think too much about the differences to be honest.

The amount of children that do stop for a gawp and point is pretty shocking.

I would be mortfied if my children behaved like that, the poor man.

Poor guy.

No way would I have 'sheltered' my children from this. They are never too young to learn that people come in all shapes and sizes.

I would have been really blunt about it, and said to the young man / his carer something along the lines of 'I'm really sorry, my children haven't seen anyone who looks quite like you before. I hope you aren't offended' and then said to the children 'It's silly and quite rude to make a fuss about what other people look like. Please be quiet or we will have to leave.'

In fact, I have done something similar with my 5 and 2 yr old before.

Whisking them away is ridiculous. It remimds me of people who complained to the BBC when Cerrie started as a Cbeebies presenter because her having just one arm was scaring the children. It is madness, children will understand that everyone is different when explained.

I think you did well OP.

Riven and what about your upset at people's being so insensitive! the mind boggles!

Riven that is awful. Like that hideous woman who complained about amputee ex soldiers in her local swimming pool. It 'upset' her children. She didn't even seem remotely ashamed.

I think it so important that parents don't continually try to shield their children from some harsh realities of life and to try to understand differences. Otherwise, what kind of idiots will they grow up to be?

I am shocked, Riven. What on earth do these people think they are doing? What sort of example are they setting to their own children? They should be utterly ashamed of themselves. The absolute pig ignorance of it, honestly