Facing a friend that cut me out

[Underthetrees]

I need advice on a friendship situation that's really making me sad and confused.

About two years ago one of my closest friends from childhood ('L')ended our friendship. One weekend, she was due to come away on a break with me and two of my friends but she never turned up. I was so worried - I thought something had happened to her or her family but she didn't reply to any of my calls or texts. In fact, after 20 years of friendship I never heard from her again. Calls and emails went unanswered. A mutual friend told me that she 'felt left out' but couldn't explain anymore. The only thought that I can come up with is that I had recently asked the two other girls to be bridesmaids. So, I never saw L again. I missed her deeply at my wedding and have always wondered what went wrong.

I guess some people can take a dislike to you or have their own issues but the not knowing has been a killer. I've felt pretty hurt about this - surely you'd give even your worst enemy an explanation?

The problem is, I'm heading home for Christmas (I emigrated last year) and I know she will be out with the rest of my friends. Even after many months I feel hurt and angry at her and I'm not sure I can face a night out with her in the same room. Trouble is I don't want to not go because I only get to see my home friends once a year.

Has anyone any suggestions as to how to cope with this?

People do get a bit strange about weddings and babies.

Example:
I have one friend who has never wanted to get married and never wants kids. I absolutely 100% agree with her decision - it's the right one for her and I do think that a lot of people should not be parents, but have kids anyway and it ruins a lot of lives. When she heard I was pregnant, she hit the roof because she'd always assumed that I, like her, would not have kids and she felt like I had been lying to her all those years when I agreed with her that I hated babies on planes, or being told I can't swear in the pub because some irresponsible parent has let their child go free range round all the tables, or had to deal with someone changing a nappy on a table I'm about to eat off. Fortunately we talked it out and she has even spent some time with my kids and declared them to be "all right" (massive praise from her, I've done a good job!).

Secondly, I have another friend who right after I got married sent me a diatribe about how selfish I was, yadda yadda, I'm utterly dispicable... There was absolutely no basis for this whatsoever, apart from the fact that she desperately wanted to get married and was insanely jealous of me and what I had.

If your friend feels lied to because you were supposed to "be like her" then talk it out... Not choosing her as your bridesmaid was supposed to do her a favour, but she's clearly not taken it like that.

If she's just madly jealous, then only time will tell if she can stand to be around you.

I've had a similar situation with my best friend from childhood. We were inseparable from age 4-11, then when we went to secondary school we added a few more friends to our group but were still close. A few times, such as when she got a new stepsister, she would spend a lot of time with this new person and not bother with me for a while, but would always come back and I didn't really let it bother me. At 16 we went to different colleges and I got a boyfriend, but I often invited her out with me and him and his friends. At 18 I went to uni but stayed in touch and met up with her in the holidays, etc. When I was 23 I moved away and before I went I had a meal with her and some other friends and all seemed fine. I have never seen her again (so for 6 years). I have sent birthday and Christmas cards which have never been acknowledged or reciprocated, when I saw she had joined Facebook I tried to add her as a friend but was rejected, and when I heard she was about to get married I sent her a private message on Fcebook saying I was very happy for her, hoped she had a wonderful wedding, didn't know what I'd done but whatever it was I was sure I would be very sorry for it and could she please get in touch again. She didn't reply. I'm not sure why I feel so bothered when she is the one who is being rude and ignoring me, but I hate the thought of someone hating me! A few years ago a mutual friend said she thought the problem might be that when we'd gone to separate colleges and I'd got a boyfriend etc she felt I left her out of things, but I invited her to a lot of social gatherings with my new group of friends, even though in previous years she had been the one leaving me out when she'd made new friends! So I can't really understand that, plus we were still in touch when I moved away, which was 3 years after that boyfriend and I broke up! When I've visited my old home town I haven't seen her, but know that if I ever do I will be polite and cheerful, ask about her life and husband etc, and not mention anything about her not speaking to me for years, because I'm really not good with confrontation! Lol. I suppose it might be worse for her if I'm friendly because if I didn't acknowledge that I had a problem with her then she would probably feel even more awkward than if I spent the time ignoring her, as that, I imagine, would only justify her feelings about me.