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Original poster

Facing a friend that cut me out

27 replies

Underthetrees · 23/11/2010 22:01

I need advice on a friendship situation that's really making me sad and confused.

About two years ago one of my closest friends from childhood ('L')ended our friendship. One weekend, she was due to come away on a break with me and two of my friends but she never turned up. I was so worried - I thought something had happened to her or her family but she didn't reply to any of my calls or texts. In fact, after 20 years of friendship I never heard from her again. Calls and emails went unanswered. A mutual friend told me that she 'felt left out' but couldn't explain anymore. The only thought that I can come up with is that I had recently asked the two other girls to be bridesmaids. So, I never saw L again. I missed her deeply at my wedding and have always wondered what went wrong.

I guess some people can take a dislike to you or have their own issues but the not knowing has been a killer. I've felt pretty hurt about this - surely you'd give even your worst enemy an explanation?

The problem is, I'm heading home for Christmas (I emigrated last year) and I know she will be out with the rest of my friends. Even after many months I feel hurt and angry at her and I'm not sure I can face a night out with her in the same room. Trouble is I don't want to not go because I only get to see my home friends once a year.

Has anyone any suggestions as to how to cope with this?

OP posts:

Desiderata · 23/11/2010 22:06

You have to just face it out with her. There's no other way.

I don't know why, but weddings have a huge capacity for this sort of thing. My best friend of 35 years has recently fallen out with me because I attended a wedding she wasn't invited to.

Listen, if she's that petty after a good talking to, then she's not worth having as a friend.

bigchris · 23/11/2010 22:09

Did you ever tell her why you chose your other two friends to be bridesmaids! You say you don't know why she cut you out but you know why, your other friend told you!

nancydrewrocked · 23/11/2010 22:11

Well surely you know the reason she cut you out? She was one of your closest friends and yet you chose two other friends to be bridesmaids. I'm not sure what you expected to be explained to you?

However two years has passed and hopefully some of the hurt has disipated and you can perhaps try and move on, although I would suggest the only way to do so is to apologise for not making her a bridesmaid rather than demanding an explanation of her.

Jareth · 23/11/2010 22:13

Why did you choose the other two friends to be bridesmaids over her? Did you ever tell her a reason for this, offer her Maid of Honour?

If not, then I'm not surprised she was upset with you.

These things are salvageable, but you need to talk to her face to face ONCE. If she blanks you or clearly doesn't want to talk to you, then you just have to leave it... there's nothing you can do.

Original poster

Underthetrees · 23/11/2010 22:16

"Did you ever tell her why you chose your other two friends to be bridesmaids!"

No, because I never got a chance - she never replied to my messages or calls. The reason I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid is because she is sceptical of weddings in general. She's pretty scornful of people that get married and have kids.

OP posts:

nancydrewrocked · 23/11/2010 22:21

That explains why you didn't explain to her after she got upset but what about at the time?

Original poster

Underthetrees · 23/11/2010 22:32

@nancydrewrocked At the time I hadn't a clue. I actually thought she'd had a row with her boyfriend/death in the family. I was completely of the mark. My phone messages and emails were along the lines of "I know something big has happened in your life and I just want to let you know I'm here for you..." Waaaay off the mark.
To be honest I'm not fully convinced it's the BM thing. I suspect it might be the whole 'marriage and kids' package. Me and her were the last two out of our group to not follow that path. I never thought I would get married but then - at 32 - I did. My theory is that I abandonded her by doing the dirty deed and tying the knot

OP posts:

Jareth · 23/11/2010 22:34

Maybe she hates you because you got married...

Original poster

Underthetrees · 23/11/2010 22:37

@ Jareth That's the conclusion I came to. It's going to be even worse now I'm three months pregant

OP posts:

Rockbird · 23/11/2010 22:41

I fell out with my best friend of 20 years over my wedding. We fell out of the length of her bridesmaid dress ffs and she left a nasty message on my voicemail. I was devastated, my mother was furious. Fast forward to 2 years ago I contacted her brother and said could he pass on my email address to her. She emailed back and we met up. Turned out to be jealousy. I was marrying a lovely man who everyone loves. She was with a tosser who had split her from her family. She couldn't handle it.

We were in contact for a while but it sort of fizzled out. But at least now I know the friendship ran its course and we are on good terms when we do speak.

The moral of this essay story is, face her, you never know what was behind it and you might be able to clear the air.

nancydrewrocked · 23/11/2010 22:42

Sorry I meant at the time you didn't pick her and chose other BM's why did you not explain your decision to her?

Did you even tell her that you had picked bridesmaids or did she have to hear it from "mutual friends" and deduce that she had not been chosen.

Frankly even if she is anti marriage if she was one of your closest friends she deserved something along the lines of "Sarah and Emma are being bridesmaids. I assumed you wouldn't want to be given your stance on marriage".

On the other hand maybe she does feel deserted by you getting married in which case you have done nothing wrong, hold your head high and realise that your friendship is no longer workable.

Original poster

Underthetrees · 23/11/2010 22:54

@ Rockbird, that's really encouraging. I've been thinking I might hazard an email. i'd say you were glad to get that 'closure' even if it did fizzle out.

@ nancydrewrocked I did tell her and explain; she appeared to be absolutely fine about it... until that weekend away.

OP posts:

Jareth · 23/11/2010 22:54

IF that's the case, then she's not worth bothering with.

In your situation, knowing I'll probably see her while out with friends, I'd try and catch her for a minute and ask her directly what her problem was.

Original poster

Underthetrees · 23/11/2010 23:46

@ Jareth, I think that's what I need to do. I'll risk an email first to see how the land lies. If she doesn't reply I'll just have to wing it on the night. I hate this sort of stuff.

OP posts:

Jareth · 23/11/2010 23:53

I know how you feel, I've been in a similar situation. I don't think I'd risk an email upfront, as I'd see the conversation/confrontation on the night as the only chance to clear the air and/or figure out what the hell happened.

It's an awful feeling, isn't it? I had a situation with a friend recently that was extremely difficult. Basically, she owed me a lot of money which she still swears she will pay me back (I've since written it off) but we lost touch when I was pregnant.
I emailed to tell her the news, had a couple of follow-up emails, and then nothing since. It took a really shitty email from me when DS was almost 2yo, for her to realise what a crap bastard she'd been, and we met up (it was very awkward) but we are now back in touch.

Original poster

Underthetrees · 24/11/2010 00:10

Yep, it's so much harder dealing with a 'friend breakup' than a dodgy ex. I'm sorry to hear about your situation with your friend. I'm intrigued that the shitty email worked, I'd be afraid that something like that would burn the bridges completely.

OP posts:

Jareth · 24/11/2010 00:16

It was a last resort tbh... I think she was wrapped up in her own world and hadn't actually realised the effect of her ignoring me... it hadnt occured that it would have upset me so much if that makes sense.

When I knew there was no other option, I wrote her an email telling her exactly what I thought of her behaviour, how upset I was, and how i felt let down by her.

Response was pretty immediate tbh, but she has and always be a close friend... there was a 3-4 year difficult gap where we didn't talk at all, and there are still ishoos tbh, but at least we're talking.

Original poster

Underthetrees · 24/11/2010 00:24

Good on you, these things take work. In my case I always knew there was a risk of this happening with my friend. She has a very black or white view of the world - she either loves you or hates you, you're either 'in' or your 'out' and god forbid if you end up on the wrong side of the line.

When all of this happened my OH confided in me that she was the only one of my friends he didn't get on with at all. Life imitates coronation Street!

OP posts:

Jareth · 24/11/2010 00:33

She still owes me the best part of £1500 I guess I still hope that if she ever makes her fortune she'll pay it back, but it's like Joey in Friends - Chandler just write's it off, doesn't he.... it feels like that.

She still uses me sometimes... she accused me once of being a fairweather friend (yes, that was shortly before we stopped talking to each other). One thing I can't ever be accused of is being a fairweather friend..

I DO still get angry with her, and if you get back in touch with you friend, be prepared for that... I find it difficult to empathise with her life now I have DP and DS and a mortgage, and she's still on her boy of the week problems... I still make all the right noises, offer the same advice, shoulder to cry on, week after week after week...

that last bit didn't make me seem so sympathetic though, did it.

hmmmm

Original poster

Underthetrees · 24/11/2010 00:47

You're only being honest. What still works in this friendship for you?

I don't think I'd rekindle the friendship with L - the emails that I wrote to her at the time were all really open and vulnerable. Truthfully, I put a lot of work into keeping a childhood friendship alive when really I wasn't getting much back.

OP posts:

StuffingGoldBrass · 24/11/2010 01:05

It sounds like you may have been drifting away from each other for a while anyway. It's probably best, actually, to let the whole thing go and if you do run into her, just be polite and pleasant rather than doing the whole 'Waah, you've been a Bad Friend' number.

Amanderrr · 24/11/2010 01:14

Agree with Stuffing. A quick 'Hello. Good to see you again' as you walk past is polite but not overly friendly. As you say you don't want to rekindle the friendship then having it out with her seems pointless.

You pretty much know why she stopped talking to you so why do you need it from the horses mouth?

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing you're the least bit bothered. Enjoy your time with your other friends and stop wasting it worrying about her.

Jareth · 24/11/2010 01:16

Thing is, she's still a really close friend. I'm being harsh in previous posts, but when I DO need someone, it doesn't matter if it's 4am, she's there. I never call her at that time, but I KNOW she's there if I need her. I can't offer that to her (because of DS and DP) but I know she's there for me.

She knows me better than anybody, we lived together for a couple of years, we've been through most of the crappy bits of our 20's together. I don't think either of us have a friend who knows each other better.

She's a selfish cow though, and I felt that when I was pregnant she should have made more of an effort to engage, but she didn't.

Original poster

Underthetrees · 24/11/2010 01:34

@Jareth, that's a good sign in a friend. Perhaps the distance that cropped up during pregnancy was down to the circumstances? Does she have kids of her own? If not, maybe she didn't know quite what to say or do?

@Amanderr If we go back to my original question, it's how do I cope with this on the night? My prob is that I've really struggled to get past the hurt. I can see me having a blub on the night. Perhaps it's better if I don't go!

OP posts:

Amanderrr · 24/11/2010 02:19

UnderTheTrees ~ You can't not go! You want to see your other friends don't you?

You have to convince yourself that you don't care. Keep in mind why you're not friends now. She dumped you despite you trying hard to keep the friendship going. Maybe, if you hadn't tried so hard it would have petered out years before. She ignored your emails despite telling her you were worried about her. Not very nice of her to let you worry. The least she could have done was reply with a curt 'I'm fine but this friendship has run its course. Good luck for the future'. I think you have to accept that she didn't value the friendship as much as you did and probably doesn't give you a second thought now.

Feel a bit cross rather than upset. Not cross enough to cause a scene but cross enough not to waste any mascara on her. If you don't get to see your other friends often then they probably can't wait to see you and congratulate you on your pregnancy so please go and have a fabulous time and forget about her.

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