I’ve never met my mum AMA

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I have, of course technically met her as that would be a biological impossibility. But she left when I was six months old and I haven’t seen her since. Nobody has any idea where she is, even her parents didn’t up until they died! AMA

Who raised you?

My dad! Then my stepmum moved in with us when I was about ten, so after that both of them

Is it known that she’s alright? How old are you?

That she intended to leave, I meant to add.

What were you told about your mother leaving and who told you?

Is she missing?

F

Has she ever been located? How do you know nothing untoward happened to her?

I’m 34. Yes she told my dad she was leaving, it was about 3 weeks before she actually did. From what I’ve been told, lots of discussions about how it would work and they had agreed shared custody but then one day she just packed her bags and went.

My dad reported her missing at the time and was informed she was fine and didn’t want to be contacted again

I didn’t really understand the concept of not having a mother until I started school, that’s when I first asked. My dad told me she didn’t want to live with us anymore and that was that. It was only when I got older that I started to ask more questions. In hindsight I think she possibly had post natal depression

Have you ever wanted contact with her? Like have you ever tried to get in contact?

I tried a little bit in my late teens - found her on Facebook but never contacted her. I did have another look about a year ago but couldn’t find her again. I wouldn’t have contacted her if I’d have found her though. I do wonder now if she’s died

If you have children do you think that your experience has affected how you are as a mother?

I saw her on Facebook years ago (after searching) but didn’t contact her. Something just didn’t feel right about it, can’t really explain why

Oooo, okay different experiences with different children. I actually had my first child at 16 and I absolutely threw myself into it, my entire identity became the fact I was a mother. Then I didn’t have my second until I was 30, and I completely disconnected myself from motherhood at that point. If my husband told me I was a good mum, I’d completely reject the notion. I couldn’t face getting mother’s day cards, I even felt weird the first time she said mum. I had really awful post natal depression with her which I think was the issue. My third is 18 months now and luckily I haven’t had any of those issues with her and I’m much more comfortable with it all.

I suppose overall - it’s made me understand her leaving even less because even when things were really terrible with my second, I never considered going even for a moment

Did she go on to have any other children?

Not as far as I could tell but she was 40 when she had me so possibly a factor

I’m sorry, OP — that’s hard. Has your dad ever been able to offer any insight as to what he thought was going on in her head to cause her to walk out on her own baby?

My dad was actually only 20 when I was born - my mum was twenty years older so I think now I look back on the situation a bit differently because she knew him when he was seventeen so possibly some grooming involved?

For a long time, really up until I was about 25, he was extremely insistent that she was just a terrible person and wasn’t fit to be a mother despite the fact she’d been (from what I understand) a very good mother to my older half brother. It’s only recently that he’s considered she probably was experiencing some kind of depression and was struggling to cope as I was a difficult baby who didn’t sleep. He doesn’t understand or have any insight into why she never came back though, which is probably also the part I struggle to understand the most

You mention your half brother. Is this your father's son?

No he’s my mums. I’m my dad’s only child, my mum
had my brother and I as far as we’re aware.

So did she leave your half brother with you and your dad ?

God, that sounds like a complicated situation. I do remember when I had my DS (who didn’t sleep, and I couldn’t breastfeed and had a grumbling kidney stone AND an infected CS scar, plus DH had been made redundant and had to grab a job at a distance, which meant no paternity leave and him being out of the house 7 am till 8 pm, plus we lived in a different country to both families, so no support — it was a hellish time ). I once got up, got dressed and said ‘I can’t do this’ and walked out. I didn’t even make it the fifty feet to the street corner. But I remember the impulse and the panic, although I find it hard to forgive.