I’ve never met my mum AMA

[blankcanvas3]

I have, of course technically met her as that would be a biological impossibility. But she left when I was six months old and I haven’t seen her since. Nobody has any idea where she is, even her parents didn’t up until they died! AMA

Did your dad and your Stepmum have more children and if so did it feel odd them having their mum?
Did your half brother's dad bring him up too?

Yes but my brother went to live with my grandparents (her parents)

Did you ask your maternal grandparents about your mum? What did they think about it? When you saw her on Facebook what did you learn about her? Was she far away?

How much older is your brother? Do you have a good relationship with him? Sorry for all the questions!

No, they didn’t have any children. I’m glad they didn’t because yes, I think I would have found it odd.

No, nobody knew who my brothers dad was apart from her. My dad hasn’t spoken about this to me but my stepmum is under the impression that she was raped based on things he’s said

He’s 10 years older! Yes we had a lovely relationship, he was disabled and after our grandparents died he came to live with me and I cared for him. He died a year ago sadly but we were always very close. Even when we lived apart when I was a child we still saw each other three or four times a week. My dad and grandparents were brilliant at facilitating our relationship.

I am sorry to hear about your brother. I am so pleased that you had each other. What a great sister you are. X

Have you thought about doing a home dna test like ancestry or 23 & me?

There's a fascinating podcast on BBC Sounds called The Gift about home dna kits and the big impact they can have on people. Finding new relatives or discovering they're not related to people they thought they were. Honestly worth a listen!

Sorry for replying to your questions in so many parts! I did ask about her, my granddad wouldn’t talk about her as he was heartbroken that she’d left and found it difficult to discuss. My grandma was interesting, she was a very family oriented person and always gave the impression she was disgusted and couldn’t comprehend why you’d leave your children. My brother was more forgiving and I heard a lot of good things about my mum via him.

I’m from Cork and her location on Facebook was set as Donegal, don’t know if that was up to date or not. There wasn’t a lot on there, but I look like her. She shared a lot of missing dog posts which does make me laugh, and she had a partner/boyfriend (I’m basing this off the different surnames, I’ve searched for her name with his surname since and haven’t found anything), and it looked like they went away in a campervan a lot. I think the only thing that stuck out to me loads was that she genuinely looked really happy in the photos

she genuinely looked really happy in the photos

I'm guessing that hurt?

I have! I know it sounds silly but I’m genuinely terrified I’d find out I had younger siblings. I think I manage to compartmentalise it by justifying things in the sense ‘she couldn’t cope’ and if I discovered she could cope, just with children that weren’t me I wouldn’t be able to section if off on my brain anymore

Devastating at the time yes. I couldn’t understand why she was so fine without her children. Now I’m sort of indifferent about it

When you think of her now, what is the first feeling that comes to you?

Do you hope she reaches out to you?

Sadness but not sad because I miss her or want her in my life, sad because I know my brother missed her up until he died and sad because she’s missed out on having 3 gorgeous grandchildren. Maybe pity is a better word.

I wouldn’t want her to reach out to me now. I’m content with my life as it is, my stepmum is an incredible woman who I’m very lucky to have. It’s hard to hypothesise but I think if she did contact me I wouldn’t respond. That’s easy for me to say now as obviously she’s never contacted me

I'm happy to learn that about your step mum. I can totally understand the sadness. Best wishes to you blankcanvas x

OP, I think that your case is one which the Salvation Army might accept for their tracing service.

Having an intermediary will be a real advantage in this situation.

https://www.salvationarmy.org.uk/family-tracing

But the OP doesn’t want contact, @TheSquareMile.

She’s very probably in Ireland so I’m not sure if this would be much help to me! I would only really be looking for her to find out if she was alive rather than to contact her anyway

I think that the Family Tracing Service would extend to Ireland, OP. They may also be in a position to verify that she is alive and well while not brokering more than that.

I would suggest that you approach them and see what they advise.

There are other ways of verifying what you want to know, Electoral Registers, for instance, but the Family Tracers would be your best first port of call.

If you go onto AI ( I used ChatGPT) and say you want to find someone it will ask pertinent questions and give answers via official searches.
Maybe one day, OP, you might want to do that.

There's a possibility that the Tracing Service may be able to establish that she is alive and well and nothing more than that.

To be honest, there are other ways of doing the simple tracing, but potentially at some cost to OP.

After the police spoke with her and passed back that she was safe but didn’t want any more contact, did she ever pay anything towards your upbringing? I assume the police wouldn’t pass on an address or employer for your dad to track her down and claim child support, but did he ever hire a private investigator to get the information or anything like that?

Interesting thread, OP.

It must have been hard for your dad at 20 to find himself on his own with a young baby, but it sounds like he managed to give you a stable childhood.

Are your own children aware that your mum left when you were so young? I imagine it must be hard to be honest with them about the family dynamics without potentially creating fear in them?