I'm adopted AMA

[AdopteeAMA]

I'll try to answer everything.
Looking forward to questions 😀

Absolutely no idea.

No, I was prepared to be asked anything.
Adoption isn't easy, and it absolutely should be child focused.

What advice would you give to people about to adopt?

Can I gently tell you that this thread isn't about you and it's completely inappropriate that you've attempted to dismiss the op's pain like this?

I needed that biological connection to any child I had.
It's a moot point anyway, I have a grown up daughter.

I am a foster carer, in my area there is a drive towards a more open adoption with regular meet ups with birth families and foster carers who have cared for the child, do you think this could be a good thing?

Of course you love both of your sons, and I’m sure you would never intentionally make your adopted son feel lesser. But your experience of motherhood doesn’t invalidate someone else’s experience of being adopted.

The issue isn’t whether a parent believes they love their children equally. It’s how that love is experienced by the child. An adopted person can be deeply loved and still grow up feeling that the adoptive parent's biological child was valued, understood or treated differently. Those two things can exist at the same time.

And saying “I’m sure your mum loved you very much” rather misses the point. She may well have loved her — but that doesn’t mean she didn’t make her feel less loved. We should be able to acknowledge someone’s pain without immediately reassuring ourselves that our own experience proves their experience couldn’t have happened.

Her feelings don’t need to be disproved. They need to be heard. xx

Oh I'm not sure I could.
It's all about the child I guess.

I honestly don't know.
Sorry, that's a rubbish answer, but I don't know what's for the best.

It's a very honest answer, thank you. I was in foster care myself back in the late 60s/early 70s and always feel like I have chunks of my life somehow missing. I hope this new way is a step forward for the children today and that they won't have the same feelings when they are adults because I think those deep seated roots are important in knowing who you are.

Is there anything you wish your adoptive parents had done differently? I'm asking this as an adoptive mum of 2 now young adults. They are our world, and we adore the bones of them, but we've had many challenges over the years, and the oldest has some huge issues relating to his early life. We always think we could/should have done something more or different to help him, but we just dont know what.

Not adopted after having a biological child.

I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing, I think I might have benefited from knowing my Mum, but not my Dad, or my Grandad.
It's difficult.

What were your adoptive parents’ reasons for adopting?
and
Do you think you were supposed to fulfil a role that they thought their son couldn’t, as a boy?

I was adopted in the 1970s and I feel that it was about taking “feckless” teenagers’ babies and giving them to “nice” married couples some of whom would’ve had a clear idea about what they expected from a baby and might’ve ended up with a form of buyer’s remorse if it didn’t transpire .

Do you imagine your experience would have been better if they adopted you first and then went on to have a biological child?

Sorry if you’ve answered this already. Did your brother embrace you fully as his sister or not, and did he find sharing his parents with a non-biological child difficult?

Do you have friends who were also adopted and if so, do you feel in any way closer to them because of that experience?

They couldn't have more kids, I don't know why.

No, I don't, there's not that many of us.

No, he didn't.

I don’t want to talk on her behalf but I don’t think that @NormasArse was trying to say you’re wrong about your feelings I think she’s trying to give comfort and help ease your pain. I say this as an adoptive parent myself (both my children are adopted) and perhaps we as adoptive parents have a need to reassure our children that they are loved because they are but don’t necessarily believe it all the time (speaking only about my own children here). I’m definitely not trying to say you’re wrong about your lived experience, and I know it’s not about us as the adoptive parents. It is, as it should be, about you and other adopted children. I’m sending you a big hug, it’s not easy, I’m so sorry it hasn’t been positive for you.

He didn’t? Embrace you as his sister or have difficulty sharing his parents?

Embrace me as his sister.
He did when we were kids, but as we got older, he didn't, and as adults he rejected me, and felt our Mum, was his Mum only.
She died when we were in our 20s.

How old was you when you were adopted? Were you a tiny newborn?

That’s hard. I’m very sorry to hear that.