My 2 kids go to boarding school, AMA

[happylady1982]

My kids are 14 and 16, they both go to boarding school. Weekly boarding. This means they come home every weekend, and during the half terms and the major holidays too (Christmas, easter, summer).

Right now it's the summer holidays so they are home.

I wanted to do an AMA cause I think people still have negative stereotypes about boarding school.

did you get family help? House deposit, regular gifts, even access to holiday homes helps with things like paying off mortgages.

I ask this as someone that has benefited massively from family money.

It’s impossible to know until years/decades after what the effects of boarding school are on a family dynamic and child’s life.

For real 🤣💀. They had the best time at their private primary school, I don't blame them for refusing to go to a state run school

Did their Dad board? You said he went private but not if he boarded.

Do you know many of their friends? I guess they must live over a large area so few who are local to where they live in the holidays?

Are there any aspects of the school that you don't like? There must be as nothing's perfect so be honest!

“they wanted to go..”. Always thrown out there as justification.

They were 11 years when they told you this. I wonder if there any other major life decisions, like moving house, changing your job etc you’d listen so carefully to a 10/11 year old.

They aren’t capable of making such major decisions, they are children. And when you use that justification the vast majority of parents do not think “oh that’s ok then”. they think exactly the opposite.

My husband was born into a family who has money

All parents do their best. For example my child goes to private school. I went to a local comprehensive and it was hell. I was an anxious mess and it stayed with me into adulthood. I have a few friends who teach in our local comprehensive where we live now, so I hear all the stories. No thanks, not for my child. There’s not a chance in hell I’m putting them through what I went through.

It’s impossible to know until years/decades after what the effects of sending your child to the local comprehensive are on a family dynamic and child’s life.

I don't think humans are ever prone to admitting they made the wrong decision for their children unless it really hits them in the face. That applies to moving them across the country, choosing to move to a remote rural location, choosing to stay in an expensive city where they have to share a bedroom until they move out, having a grandparent who needs care move in, remarrying or moving a new partner in, having a second set of children with a new partner, homeschooling, prioritising the dog over the kids in decision making and almost every non standard decision!

I think you are being a little opaque with some of these answers then.

You have family money and therefore your earnings are rather irrelevant in the choices you are making.

Their dad didn't board.

I think the only thing I dislike about the school is probably their phone rules when the kids are younger. I understand, but during those first few years of boarding school, I disliked that I only had a limited amount of time to talk to them everyday

Weekly boarding seems like a good compromise.

Do you judge parents who dump their kids for whole terms and don’t bother seeing them at weekends or sometimes in the short holidays?

I notice you keep referring to ‘state run’ schools. That’s not the normal term, it’s normally just state schools. Do you have some view that the state controls them in a negative way? Independent schools are also under state control in terms of the law and exam specs (though they have more freedom to choose different qualifications, to an extent anyway).

Basically it's family money, the OP has said so.

I see enough people's finances to know that you don't fund boarding school at this level on that household income.

I mean...honestly yeah, unless there is like a really good reason. I just feel sad for those kids. My kids tell me that those kids seem the least happy at school

Don’t forget my question! 😁
How do the kids/you manage without daily cuddles? My DD is 12 and a quick hug makes all the difference for her (and me!)

And I’d like to add, my DDs worries tend to come out just when she’s going to bed, do you have that?

I find it strange that so many people here are against boarding school yet happy to send their kids to a breakfast club, then school, then after school clubs or other daycare. I remember a couple I used to work for had their baby in daycare from 6 weeks old, from 7am-7pm. They rarely saw the baby awake. My next door neighbours are similar with their 3 children, as are many working people because they have no choice.

It makes me wonder if this is more to do with jealousy at some people having a privileged lifestyle. It’s certainly not about the amount of quality time spent with kids. Boarding school terms are different and the kids get much longer holidays so overall they probably spend much more time at home than the average working class family.

I think this is a very good point. My parents moved me across the country when I was 8 and it honestly took me almost a decade to recover my self confidence from that. My parents also moved to another country while I was still at uni.

Would they say they made a mistake with either of these decisions? Never - it was the making of my dad’s career and he’s very wealthy now.

But i’m in therapy now about how both have affected the way I relate to myself, them and to everyone else - and the expectations to cope that I put on myself.

Ultimately parents are ALL going to make bad decisions. I am bringing mine up in London and many people think that’s a wrong choice, though I feel the opposite. In reality I suspect one child is thriving here and the other would suit a calmer environment. But we both have work that is located here and we have to feed the fam!

there are no easy answers

We manage because that's just normal to us. I think that was the most difficult part for all of us when the kids first went to boarding school. But we quickly adapted to our new lifestyle.

If they do have worries before bed, they text me or their dad. When they were younger and couldn't have their phones as often, they would tell the staff and the staff were always kind enough to let them have their phone and contact me or my husband

But if they went to a school nearer home they wouldn’t have such a punishing schedule. Are there really no excellent schools in closer proximity to you? Obviously it’s too late to change at the ages they are now, but I find it a bit odd that you had no other choice.

My daughter goes to a good state school a 10 minute drive from home, she’s also predicted 7 and 8s in her GCSEs, she has a lovely friendship group who she socialises with sometimes after school and on the weekend. She is very happy, works hard at school and has a good social life whilst also having all the comforts and support of home and family. I find it baffling that you would choose a school where the choice was only either boarding or a long commute.

You say your daughters chose to board, but I suppose to me it feels like you made an active decision for them to board simply by choice of school in the first place.

Or maybe the authors of many of these threads are deluding themselves and/or being defensive?

Most of them read like a Disney happy ever after movie.

Nope. Boarding school pupils aren’t babies. A 7-7 school/daycare scenario still leaves time for children to have a bit of casual time with parents and siblings, even local friends, eat with family and go to bed in their safe space - and as others have pointed out, worries often surface for discussion at bed time. It’s not envy.

Why so much hate? I think it is mainly jealousy and reverse snobbery. These posters should be sent to Malory Towers to get their corners rubbed off 😁

My DC are day students at a boarding school. They also feel they’re missing out sometimes.

The vast majority of boarders are weekly or even only a couple of nights a week to save long journeys after sports matches etc.

I think it’s a really beneficial idea to allow the kids more
sleep/less stress as even at my state Grammar school growing up there were kids who had over an hour commute and had to leave home before 7am every day. Exhausting.

How old is the research, does it take into account the amount of time spent boarding? Age they start boarding correlated to issues developed.

Significantly in OPs case boarding is Monday to Friday so quite a decent balance of family to boarding time. Her Children were given agency in the decision, which is crucial, they were 11 when they started, which is not as young as we like to pretend in this society. They have long holidays at home with their parents.

Full board from a very young age, I can totally see messing you up. Back in a time when your only way of communicating with home being letters, or maybe a weekly call. Absolutely.
Weekly boarding during term time, for pre-teens and teens, focus on hobbies and study, no travel, friends on hand. Parents on speed dial, if you need a chat, or pictures sent back and forward. Sounds like for the right children a good balance.

Lets face it, half my friends kids are in breakfast club at 7.30 and collected from after school club at 6. They do a hobby, homework, eat dinner and go to bed. While parents are juggling full time jobs, childcare, house management....maybe even a small amount of time to themselves for exercise to connect as a couple if they are lucky.

Who knows maybe if all older children who wanted it could go to boarding school with their friends during the week everyone would be less stressed and able to actually enjoy time together.

It doesn't sound like you earn enough to send them to boarding school. Is your mortgage very cheap?