My 2 kids go to boarding school, AMA

[happylady1982]

My kids are 14 and 16, they both go to boarding school. Weekly boarding. This means they come home every weekend, and during the half terms and the major holidays too (Christmas, easter, summer).

Right now it's the summer holidays so they are home.

I wanted to do an AMA cause I think people still have negative stereotypes about boarding school.

It’s always called ‘jealousy’ or ‘reverse snobbery’. It’s neither in the vast majority of cases. There’s no (or at least vanishingly little) hate on this thread, just genuine questions, opinions ,and observations.

I equally don't agree with putting a 6 week old in nursery 12 hours a day 5 days a week and question why have children if you're not willing to make any sacrifices to spend time with them and actually raise them. I think far to many people have children because they feel they should rather then actually wanting them

Or you can just send your child to a local school?

We weren't even looking at schools that were over an hour commute away when we chose schools. Because we accepted that it was too far.
So we'd never have ended up in OP's situation because going to the "too far away to practically get there" school wasn't even on our radar.

Exactly. The school is brilliant and they truly are thriving. But they would be exhausted if they came home every single day. The benefits of private school are brilliant, privileges my kids wouldn't have had at a state school.

Do you miss your children during the week?
So you feel connected to their life?
Do you feel they had to grow up too quickly , or hide their emotions during the week, particularly when they were younger

My mortgage was completely paid years ago

How does a typical day look for your children outside school hours? Does the school have set routines and rules outside school hours?

Are your children allowed to spend as much time with each other as they'd like?

Do they have their own rooms or are they expected to share with other students?

😂

Her mortgage is paid off. What do you earn?

Honestly OP the replies to your thread are so typical. My child is a day student and the nasty little assumptions people make about our income are ridiculous. We also have no mortgage and we prioritise our money to send our child to the best school we can. Envy twists people to think this is somehow an unreasonable thing to do.

Do you find the financial commitment tough as it wipes out most of DHs salary?

£90k net fees on a household income of c.£280k (assuming gross)? Kudos to you!

No questions, just a well done for making everything work for your family.

Just saw no mortgage which would help but do you still find it a bind?

That’s not really the only alternative, though. The other option is what most people do, consider school options when deciding where to buy a house. Your children have chosen boarding school because the alternatives they've been presented with are either boarding or travelling a long way to school. They were never given a third option: living in an area with a good local school, where their friends live nearby, where they could put down proper roots, be part of a local community, and have family life at home every day instead of only during school holidays or weekends.
Its difficult to describe it as a completely free choice when the option of a good local school was never really available to them because of the decisions that were made about where to live.

Urgh - I felt slightly sympathetic towards you to start with as weekly term time boarding actually not that severe but, erm, not now. You've clearly set up the thread as a show off / jusification thing.

Not all state run schools are the same, not all private schools are the same. Plus kids who go to school with a more mixed cohort will have better social awareness / life skills which you cannot buy.

You'll have hugely influenced the decisions they make because of your attitude and prejudices. I say this as a child who went to private school and grew up thinking that if people couldn't afford a Mercedes their Daddies just needed to work harder (I'm somewhat different now, I'm pleased to say!)

Totally. And perhaps you still get that today but the sector is very different.

If they go to uni will you just fund them, may be cheaper than the school!

Oh, right. So those of us not sending our children to boarding schools just need to “prioritise our money” better?

Also, why do the wealthy overuse the laughing emoji so much? It’s really not all that funny.
It feels like overcompensating.

You can’t be that secure in your decisions if you feel the need to mock others in such a pathetic and defensive way.

Try growing up and learning a little bit about the real world.

This comment "Yes they have friends who have a very different financial situation. They didn't go to boarding school until they were 11 so a lot of their childhood friends are still their friends to this day"
and all the stuff about how they chose private secondary, they chose boarding, they really wanted this particular boarding school, are rather disingenous.

Yes of course kids can make some friends outside school but you clearly implied that they had friends from very varied financial backgrounds because they didn’t go to boarding school until 11. But they had always been at a private school. It seems highly likely that nearly all their school friends, and we know for sure all their paternal relatives, are from wealthy families.

Of course they would want to go to the lovely boarding school that all their friends were going to and board there. Good for you and good for them that they can go there, it makes sense for a family in your financial situation that believes in the private school system. But you can’t dress it up as making a tough choice for you and an informed choice for them, choosing it because it was what they really wanted compared to other options. They were never going to want anything else.

This thread doesn’t do anything at all to dispel negative connotations about boarding because of the above points, and because they didn’t board until 11, within the above context.

They usually have extra curricular activities until like 5:30pm or prep depending on the day. Then they have dinner. And then they have free time until like 9:30 which is when everybody starts their bedtime routine.

My kids do get to see eachother whenever they want. They just have to inform the staff if they are going to a different boarding house but they can also hang out in the common areas. They see eachother all the time.

The amount of people in one room varies. But my son shares a room with two other peeople. And my daughter did too, but she is going to sixth form in September so she is getting her own private room (well, if she gets into the sixth form)

I guess you concluded that the most important thing was that your children got the school they wanted, over a full family life. I’m interested in how that worked logistically given their different ages? What would you have done if they’d wanted different things? Did the youngest just go with what the eldest chose? Do you have BB/GG/GB/BG?

Do you think your children think that their parents are happy/okay with sacrificing seeing them during the week in favour of this lifestyle choice? (I say lifestyle instead of educational, as it doesn’t seem like this is a sacrifice for top educational achievement, you’re favouring “happiness” and eg commute time/tiredness etc.) Given the choice you’ve made, maybe they don’t think about things in these terms?

My DC are in private schools (abroad where they cost twice as much as UK private day schools!), no shade from me re expenses. But we didn’t offer our DC any choices until 14yo, and none that weren’t within commuting distance because for us the priority is that we see them as much as possible in those crucial teenage years when emotions and drama run high, changes come thick and fast, and consequences can be serious. And because we only have a few years left with them at home (and personally I struggled through the soul destroying toddler/young child years precisely for these amazing teenage years!)

I really don’t think you’re in a position to judge or “feel sad” for other people’s kids.

I’m laughing at the cheek of you telling her she doesn’t earn enough to send them to boarding school.

“The wealthy?” You haven’t the foggiest what you’re talking about. We are two parents from firmly working class upbringings, and yes we have worked hard enough to send our child to a private school. I did not say other people need to prioritise their money that way, I said we do prioritise our money that way.

That’s not the only alternative option though, you just don’t want to move house.

Yes because there is family money.

A fact that seems to have been left out of the OP's AMA summary until I asked it.

I don't resent this (I'm in the same boat) but lets be clear most people with that household income couldn't afford this.

It’s not odd at all. Boarding school days are very long compared to State school - early start, lots of sports and activities through the day, academic subjects mixed in, clubs and societies after teaching ends, eating together, supervised homework.
it will be well after 7pm before they are done.Day pupils do all of that, the only difference is they sleep at home. And they would want to do it because all of their friends are doing it too. Oh and most boarding schools have lessons until 12 on Saturdays with sports fixtures on Saturday afternoons and Sundays.

Tbf 90k fees on a gross income of 280k is a considerable expense. I also asked how the OP budgeted for it, obviously no housing costs makes a difference.