My 2 kids go to boarding school, AMA

[happylady1982]

My kids are 14 and 16, they both go to boarding school. Weekly boarding. This means they come home every weekend, and during the half terms and the major holidays too (Christmas, easter, summer).

Right now it's the summer holidays so they are home.

I wanted to do an AMA cause I think people still have negative stereotypes about boarding school.

'I don’t think children are capable of making decisions like that because they are children and they don’t understand the long-term risks and potential harms as documented in those links'

Exactly. They're hardly likely to say 'Im only 11! I'd like to stay living at home thanks or else I may well resent you massively when I'm an adult and have huge issues'.

The thing about these "I send my kids to boarding school, AMA" threads (of which there have been tonnes)

Is that every OP swears blind their kids are deliriously happy and would never want it any other way.

It's kind of been done to death from this angle.

What I'd like to see is an honest thread from someone who made the wrong decision, or a thread from someone who was sent to boarding school against their wishes.

They didn’t want to go to a state school because they had no experience of it and they’ve picked up your preference for private. An 11 year old doesn’t really have the necessary experience to make that sort of choice.
Im glad they are happy, but there’s no guarantee they wouldn’t have been just as happy (or happier) at a local school with £90k more in the family coffers every year.

Editing to add that I'm not sure why my quotations aren't working on this thread, but I intended to quote @ParsleySageToiletDuckAndBinBags 's comment which quoted my previous comment and reply directly to that.

Sixth formers aren't children though - they're 16-18.

Some of the ideas on the thread apply more to the 11 year old end of the scale but not to 16-18 year olds (who on other threads, other posters like to declare are "old enough to join the army" - now that I really think is problematic!).

I'm finding the outcry on the thread quite divorced from reality, especially regarding weekly boarding for older teenagers (I do agree full boarding doesn't tend to go well for younger teenagers) and I say that as someone who went to boarding school myself but didn't send my own children!

Yes I understand that. I am not stupid. The point I am making, and that you have failed to grasp, is that boarding schools are no longer the environments that these people experienced, and haven't been for quite some time.

You're assuming that children going to boarding school in 2026 are going to have the same mental health outcomes as children going to boarding school in 1976, when all boarding was full boarding and safeguarding was largely non existent.

You're making entirely false equivalencies to suit your agenda.

They started boarding at 11. That’s why people are talking about 11 year olds I expect.

Not odd at all? May be that’s the school they most liked? Better sports, IT , music then other closer schools?

we send ours to a day school which is conveniently 10 mins away and is well known for its choral and drama (which is what mine love), but not that sporty so of mine wanted a sporty school of have sent them elsewhere /one option is about 40 mins away and so then they might have flexi boarded.

when people spend a lot on schooling, they become a bit more specific about what they want from a school.

I was boarding staff at a boarding school recently. It’s not the same as it used to be, no. But many if the things which led to those outcomes are. It’s not an environment I’d pick for a child from 11. By sixth form it’s a very different proposition.

@PoppieCockDay pupils often have long days then it’s prep at home. There’s the travel on top and often parents work long hours so don’t see much of dc in the week. Often dc boarding from Sunday to Thursday works well for everyone. Not all households have a close day school either.

I was replying to @ParsleySageToiletDuckAndBinBags but my quote didn't take! Sorry for the miscommunication.

Is it like any of the boarding school stories? (Obviously not the older ones or Harry Potter but the modern non wizard ones)

Are mobile phones allowed and if so how do staff control use of social media etc?

What do they do in the evenings?

Do they have their own rooms or share?

Are you allowed to visit them at weekends and do you?

Exactly, this specific school was perfect for my kids because of the opportunities it provides. Whereas closer private schools didn't have those options and the day to day schedule was so different than my kids were used to. The school they are at now has great opportunities for my kids in regards to extra curricular activities, and the schedule is fairly similar to their primary school and most of their friends went to this school.

Did you mean to tag me in this?

It doesn't really correlate with anything I've said?

No opportunities to see their parents though of course

still.

bet they have a great cricket pitch.

I don't disagree. But I think all schools have the potential to be damaging environments for children, to be honest, whether they board or not, and I don't think perpetuating the idea of boarding schools as being uniquely damaging is fair or particularly accurate.

I will also say that, with fifteen years' teaching experience, I have sadly seen how many children are growing up in homes that are abusive - emotionally or physically - or with parents who are largely absent due to work commitments or post-divorce custody arrangements. Let's not pretend home is always the best place for children to be. For a lot of children, school provides them with the safety, consistency and emotional support they lack at home and many prefer to be at school than at home as a result.

I'm an investment manager so I'm pretty clear on this too.

What you are suggesting is that there is family money, which is possibly what was missing from the OP's response.

my kids are day, they have done occasional boarding, but I wouldn’t want or let them do weekly as I really want to fister as close a relationship as I can (and it’s often the little things, the comments, quick kiss etc that are d miss).

that being said, I know lots of boarders and they love it and are really close to their family. Boarding schools are different now-data on how mentally hurtful boarding is will be based on people who boarded 15 plus years ago, and it’s a different time now.

@cardibach There’s no correlation between boarding and mental health issues whatsoever. Nearly every parent chooses very carefully what school suits dc. Plus safeguarding is very much known about and dealt with in all schools. I suspect most NEETS claiming they cannot work etc did not go to boarding school. Trotting out this damaged person stuff when modern boarding is very different is ignorance really. Parents don’t send dc away and wash their hands of them. It’s very much child centred and knowing where dc will thrive.

You sound completely clueless about the realities of modern day private schools and weekly boarding

Have you found that your children do have friends near where they live, or are their friends solely those from school (who may have homes all over the country and internationally)?

DD has a uni friend who went to boarding school; I know she (the friend) finds the lack of a friendship group and community local to her parents' home quite isolating.

How can you assess this; can you give children(kids are the ‘young’ of Goats) another life/childhood to make some weird sort of comparison?
As a child of 9 I was chucked into BS, it was like being wrongly imprisoned. Husband was sent aged 6. We’ve been useless parents.
A child in BS never gets the relaxation at the end of every single school day, of being in their own sanctuary/territory.
Passage from Pete Walkers book “Complex PTSD” , below:

They are allowed their phones. The younger years are only allowed their phones for a certain amount of time. But both of my kids are allowed their phones whenever they want aslong as they are off during the academic school day.

They mainly play sports, hang out with friends, watch TV, etc

And they come home every weekend, we don't go and visit them

Independent terms only total 30 weeks a year, so the children are away around 120 nights (assuming they come home Friday eve). So 2/3rds of the time they’re at their own home, making it their main residence.

You know what your agenda is.

Please don't call me stupid; that's rude and disrespectful, and totally uncalled for.

Children can feel that they have been rejected if they are sent to boarding school - of course. But in the OP's case, when children have actively chosen the school, requested to board, and attest they really enjoy the experience, plus can be in constant contact with an involved mum and dad who they see every weekend, it's very unlikely that the children are going to feel that way.

If you do some research around contemporary boarding school and student and parent experience, you'll find that the majority of children who board nowadays live fairly locally to the school, and choose to board during the week or to do flexi boarding so they can be more involved in school life/see more of their friends. Boarding tends to be a more child-led than parent-led choice these days, largely based around children wanting more access to specialist provision such as performing arts or sports.

Yes of course some children are sent to boarding schools for their parents' convenience, and that I find abhorrent. But where children actively choose it because they want to have the experience - I don't see an issue at all. All children are different and some are much more independent than others from a younger age. A blanket belief that boarding school = child abuse is therefore neither true nor helpful.