My 2 kids go to boarding school, AMA

[happylady1982]

My kids are 14 and 16, they both go to boarding school. Weekly boarding. This means they come home every weekend, and during the half terms and the major holidays too (Christmas, easter, summer).

Right now it's the summer holidays so they are home.

I wanted to do an AMA cause I think people still have negative stereotypes about boarding school.

Don't you feel you are missing out on valuable time with them that you will never get back?

If they’re happy then that’s great. I always think that at boarding school they probably spend a lot more time on their homework and studies with more help around them. More than the one hours prep after school at an independent day school.

Would you be disappointed though if they don’t go to uni or get a decent career afterwards?

Do you worry about the drug situation in boarding schools as the DC all have a lot more money to hand which exacerbates the issue ?

No

Why did you have kids for someone else to raise? Do you regret having your children?

That sounds better than it could be... but ultimately the children shouldn't have ersatz family-STYLE houses; they should have homes WITH their actual families.

Student halls of residence are an important rite of passage for young adults - who have left the secure childhood stage behind and are now actively heading into independent adult lives. Some people on here are talking about children aged 11.

She sees them every weekend!!

Not really. If they came home every day, they wouldn't get home until like 7pm, they would eat dinner, do homework, go to bed, wake up early, go to school, then repeat that routine all over again.

When they are here on the weekends we always are able to have quality time as a family

I think it sounds like a great set up OP. People seem to find it hard that children very often WANT to attend boarding schools these days and if they said 'i hate it bring me home' then the parents would. It will be giving them a great start that is not available to most. Fair play.

All the studies out there about the psychological impact of boarding on adults relate to people who went to boarding school 20+ years ago.

Boarding schools now are very different places. The majority of children weekly or flexi board and are at home most if not every weekend. Children have access to their phones and can phone home whenever they like once the school day is over. The teaching profession has become much more robust and rigorous about safeguarding, which has led to much safer and more supportive school environments for children. Boarding school boarding houses are set up very much like family homes, with a housemaster or mistress and matron available 24/7 and children having bedrooms that are cosy and filled with their own things.

As a teacher in an independent school, I can attest that the demands on children as they get older in terms of homework and extracurricular activities, coupled with often 1h + commutes to and from school, make them absolutely exhausted. They have very little 'quality' time at home in the evenings - most don't get home until 6 or 7pm if they've done an activity after school, then it's a quick dinner, a couple of hours of homework, then bed, before the whole routine begins again. Hardly time for lots of cosy chats and cuddles with mum and dad.

Most teenagers also love being with their friends far more than their family. Once they hit 13, those are their primary relationships. Getting to sleep over with your mates during the week is a lot of children's dream!

I will also say that teachers are in loco parentis during the school day. Speaking for myself and most of my colleagues - we do genuinely care deeply for our students, and we do get to know them very well. Of course we notice when they're not themselves and we do provide plenty of emotional support. It's also worth noting that often children tell their teachers things they would never tell their parents and we can help them negotiate tricky conversations with parents when their home lives are causing them distress.

Boarding school these days is often a very enjoyable experience for young people and many thrive in that environment. Any school can be an awful place for young people and cause them emotional distress, whether boarding or not. Insisting that boarding school is abusive based on stereotypes from the 1950s is really not helpful.

They're still my kids even if they go to boarding school. My job is to make sure they are happy and they are extremely happy.

I don't regret having kids

Do they have to do any homework at the weekends?

I think the idea of a school where kids can stay overnight occasionally sounds really great.

They obviously didn't want to be the odd ones out leaving when their friends all got non stop sleepovers so of course they wanted to board. Family life is more than weekends. Look at the dc of separated parents who only see a parent at a weekend and ask them if it seems a happy family life.

How will you cope with the emotional disconnect in years to come when they're adults and realise they were in effect put into care, albeit posh care?

I think my children would hate the alternative option 🤣. Wake up at 5:30am, leave the house at 6:30am, get to school for 8am, get home at 7pm, dinner, hours of homework, sleep and then repeat the routine the next day.

Pretty sure they know how to invest their money by now so it’s not straight from wage to fees.

Thats not a parent.

Well, the other option of course is move closer to a better school.

As the parent, it’s your job to decide where the family lives, and where children go to school, and to make choices that work for everybody.

You are responsible for putting your kids in a situation where they were forced to choose between boarding, or exhausting daily commutes with no downtime. Not much of a choice.

They very much sound like part-time children to me in fact children that you only see 30% of the time…

There are no schools within a 90 minute travel time?

Brilliant thing to do, I think. Weekly boarding is the best of both world, I think! Unfortunately I was unable to afford boarding my my dc, it was only a minor day school, but if I could!!!!!
Well done for giving your children such a gift.

Lots of people and kids have tight schedules. It's what family life is?

There was no other schools that they wanted to go to. This schools provided them with the best opportunities. We asked if they wanted to go to a state-run school, they said no way, because they went to private school throughout primary school.

So we looked for schools and we realised this was the best option. The kids agreed. They were part of the decision making process.

Yes, it's difficult to believe there isn't another decent school within 90 minutes drive.

The evidence you have found relates to people who went to boarding school decades ago. It is not a realistic picture of how boarding school is for children attending them today. As such, not helpful, not accurate, and not relevant to the OP's children's experiences.

These days, weekly and flexi boarding is the norm in boarding schools. It is actually very difficult to find boarding schools that do full boarding, and those that do largely cater to foreign students rather than UK based young people.

The days of children being dumped in boarding schools and only seeing their parents at Christmas and in the summer are long gone. As such, your extremist view of boarding school being tantamount to abuse is very, very out of date.