I am the mum of a gifted child. AMA

[mumof2andimtired]

My son is 8 years old and is considered gifted. I usually just browse on mumsnet but I decided to make a post cause so many people in real life have so many questions!

I also have a 12 year old daughter

Hmmm… I think kids should just be left alone rather than being labeled as gifted- nothing good comes of it in the end. Now we have the internet most kids will be able to find the stuff they need without extra pressure.

I would be more focused on helping him with his social skills so he isn’t vulnerable and isolated as an adult.

Indeed so - this child has the problem of his label, plus his autism. The focus needs to be on helping him to become a rounded and happy human being and not on the label.

Do you think actually it could be a poisoned chalice?

Yes. I think OP should forget about his academics and try to do everything to build up his social skills. IMO they'll have a much bigger impact on how well his life will turn out.

You really don't need to do anything school wise if your kid is gifted. My whole family is very intelligent and we went to bog standard/underperforming state schools and our intelligence was largely ignored. We're all Oxbridge and won academic awards there for top in the year, fees paid, etc. I was told I was gifted as a kid - but to be honest I never even thought about my school results, the thing I've had to work hardest at is learning social skills. I've studied and learnt how to be charismatic and I now have a successful, creative and interesting career. My academics alone would've made no difference to me progressing because everyone I work with is clever.

Imo OP should ignore his "gifts" and focus on how to build up his emotional intelligence.

I don't think labelling 8 year olds intellectually superior is especially helpful.

There will always be someone 'better' at some point. And if he's used to being told he's top for everything he won't be able to handle it when he's not.

I've also heard of many kids labelled on this way to go off the rails massively in their teens. As nothing is stimulating enough so they turn to substance use etc.

OP FWIW and speaking from experience I would look to get him into a highly academics selective school. If not for juniors then at least for seniors. It makes a huge difference to being in a cohort where you are with range of “normal” and there are others like you, both from what the school looks to cover and the relations with peers.

I’m sure you know this but doing GCSEs and A levels early has very much gone out of fashion.

I don’t think that’s the case here and you’ve missed the nuance.

40 percent of autistic people fall into this category. It is very very common, nearly one in every two autistic people, and people are not trying to call him a “swot “ which is likely one of the most immature phrases I’ve heard an adult use, and am dismayed that you claim to be a teacher but use such terms and fully missed the nuance being discussed.

tohelp you understand, this boy is much more than just “gifted”, he is autistic, which means he is also developmentally behind in other areas and will need much more support in those, people are trying to tell the op to focus heavily on this , not just education.

the reason for this is if this isn’t supported then it doesn’t matter whay he can achieve, he will be unable to work and struggle to function as an adult.

for a parent I understand it maybe easier to focus on him being “gifted” although this is a term no longer in use, and it is telling the op used it, maybe as it is more comforting. But he needs to be supported holistically, the fact he has a high iq, is fairly irrelevant if he doesn’t have the tools to emotionally function. The op is saying she is doing this, but her focus is clearly on the high iq.

the op even blamed his melt downs on boredom, when in reality this was likely much more to do with his autism. I am an example, as said, I have a very high iq, I also worked several years ahead and was at a small private school which supported this, and I got bored before they realised, but I never had any melt downs,I just doodled after I finished, raced ahead in my books, and often asked if I could leave the class once done so I didn’t need to just sit there.

i recall doing entrance exams for secondary school I did the paper which was about 2 hours in approx 30 mins, I then asked to leave, I got a roasting at home, and accused of messing around and fucking it up. I got the top result from all who sat the exam. My parents just stared at me in shock when the school phoned. They were horrible people. And even though they’d been told, they never paid any attention to it, until they saw it with their own eyes. But there was never any melt downs due to the boredom.

people are giving the op good advice, you missed the nuance and lashed out. It’s not a good look.

I do think the OP is being given some good advice fro m many here - often from personal and professional experience.

There is something seductive about the presumed kudos of having a gifted child, but his is something to be strongly resisted and a broader view emphasised.

A person can be as brainy as can be, but not be able to fit into either work or social settings and this is a massive handicap.

This child maybe needs to be helped to deal with situations that do not feel ideal without a meltdown as life is full of these situations. It is not easy to achieve this I know (any more than it is for a child who struggles academically to learn maths), but should be the focus of the learning rather than acquiring facts.

Educational needs are different for every person. We are sadly currently confronted with a system that emphasises targets and testing above all else. Thankfully there are some good schools who resist this and hold fast to the aims of producing happy rounded human beings - that it should be a battle is very sad.

@Velvetandleatherno it’s 30-40% may have above average to high intelligence. Only 1-2% of autistic people fall in to intellectually gifted category.

This was like a boy in DDs class in primary. His mother was constantly going up to school because he was bored and wanted harder maths. But as the teacher pointed out they weren’t trained to do that, there were other children in the class who needed attention also. She also told her there was a wider issue or him only being interested in what he was interested in, he couldn’t opt out of doing art because it was no interest to him, So he liked maths, only wanted to do maths, which is not a rounded education. Various teachers also told her socially he was struggling and it was an area he needed to work on, mother was furious.
He’s skipped a year of school because he changed schools, and is about to start uni (he turns 18 before the start date) luckily he is going locally. I imagine he will struggle with making friends.

DH is a scientist and says over the years they have had very clever graduates who have struggled because they can do the academic work, they can do what they’ve been taught. What they lack though is creativity and seeing things in a wider perspective. Well rounded people make employees.

What support does he need for being gifted? I get that he will need support for autism, but that's not the same thing. I don't understand this argument that 'gifted' children need to access extra 'support'. They are already brighter than many of the people teaching them, so they aren't going to fall behind, academically speaking. I get that they might enjoy being stretched and parents might want to see them stretched, but that's an intellectual want, not an educational need.

Out of curiosity, does the giftedness map onto tests like cat4? If so where does he sit there? Whereabouts do you live, in some areas there are some independent schools that might be well equipped to meet his gifted/ND profile.

Does he go to a normal primary school or is he home educated?
X

Interested what reasons the school gave for not meeting his educational needs?
Because he was so clever?
Or because his autism was not manageable in the classroom?
X

The OP has said upthread that her son is being home educated because school could not meet his educational needs.
I think some of us are suggesting that it might be worth considering that his educational needs are not academic ones.

Are these stats accurate? I am wondering if giftedness without autism brings with it naturally social and behavioural challenges?

A child who is bored is in need of support. Bright children are often bored most of the time at school.

Good for her, such an interesting journey. She sounds rather similar to someone in my family. I am pleased to hear that your dd has found a rewarding path for herself.

Is his name Sheldon?

The key to happiness I firmly believe is being boringly average

Why do you think this? Is there a lack of resilience or inability to deal with life's wrong ups and downs that comes with deep talents?

I think you missed my point! Of course I wasnt calling anyone a swot! I was reminiscing about the not very kind children in the 90s who made fun of the clever children and called them a swot! It was in reference to lots of comments which seemed to be of a certain tone about the ops child. Maybe read it again.

And I completely agree with the rest of your point. Of course it is important to focus on the whole child. I wasnt commenting on anyone who was doing that. Lots of posters have pointed that out too. Op has acknowledged that social skills are being worked on. Those posts aren't the ones I was referring to. It was the ones that imply many children are just as bright, it'll even out and the others will catch up and he won't be the clever one for long, his mental health is dangerously at risk... all of which are also possibly true- but come across a bit, piss on yer chips, in the context. Does that make sense?

It was the ones that imply many children are just as bright, it'll even out and the others will catch up and he won't be the clever one for long, his mental health is dangerously at risk... all of which are also possibly true- but come across a bit, piss on yer chips, in the context.

iykyk

I would redo the cognitive assessment when he's 13 or 14, it could easily change. Many autistic people are great at pattern recognition and recall so do fabulously in early school, but they struggle with interpretation, opinion giving, taking a stance and arguing from it, and justifying their views, and this means from KS3 and especially in KS4 they may begin to struggle.

My autistic DS has consistently tested in the top 0.5 percent, with below average fine motor bringing down that score (verbal and fluid reasoning >99.9 percentile). We have never told him nor pressured him. He's currently at uni on track for a first in maths and computer science. He was not stretched in any way at school, but stretch isn't everything. He has a very close group of neurodivergent friends. I would never have taken him out of school so he could get better at what he already found easy. I kept him there to enhance the things he found hard - social interaction, negotiation, emotional regulation, team working.

I was the mum of a child who was labelled G&T in school, who is now a bright, but not particularly special adult.

I was surprised at the label and when I asked the child if they knew why theirs been identified as such they said they didn’t know as they usually copied most of their work from their mates!!