I am the mum of a gifted child. AMA

[mumof2andimtired]

My son is 8 years old and is considered gifted. I usually just browse on mumsnet but I decided to make a post cause so many people in real life have so many questions!

I also have a 12 year old daughter

@mumof2andimtired I have a gifted 6 year old and completely get how difficult it is to discuss the challenges with everyone. You cant possibly understand if you havent experienced it and a lot of people are (like on this thread) are very judgemental. Perfectionism is a massive issue for gifted children. They are used to finding things easy and become very adverse to putting in effort when they find things challenging. Their only way to help that is to emphasise that learning involves making mistakes and giving them challenging enough work that they learn how to learn (and to fail and try again).

In response to others that have asked, 'gifted' usually means an IQ above 130 and usually presents very young. Schools often fail to cater for gifted children, especially state schools, so home achooling is very common within the community. A gifted child needs much less repetition so will get bored while the teacher does repetitive tasks with the rest of the class. Their brains need more stimulation so will find it elsewhere (often becoming disruptive).

My child is very ahead in a lot of things but suffers with slow processing speed and poor working memory so struggles with multistep instructions and needs a lot of prompting in everyday life. Suspected adhd and autism. My main focus is helping her build resilience and not finding everything too easy so I have been pushing for acceleration at school and adjustments.

@mumof2andimtired Are you a member of Potential Plus UK? its very helpful to converse with other families in the same situation.

They could help him with maths, to an extent, but he wasn't getting much support with his maths work because they didn't have enough staff to help teach him. For maths my son is 4 years ahead. But for other subjects he is much more than 4 years ahead. Maths is one of the "tricky" subjects. Whereas every other subject he is much more advanced. Too advanced for the school to provide him a proper education. There was no dynamic that was working.

We are thinking about private school.

She ended up doing her first degree and masters in history and politics and then went on to a career in humanitarian relief, so nothing at all related to maths! 😆. She is still an avid reader, mostly historical and religious books, and the Quran.

DD is globally gifted and autistic. Its not something to talk about in a proud way, it really isnt. I hate that its called "gifted" because often it isnt a gift, its a curse.

Her specific gifted subjects (there are several) are something that she now loathes as her school made her focus so hard on them that she turned away. She has had serious MH issues as a result.

Forget him being gifted, really do forget it because it doesnt define him. And be prepared to home educate in order to avoid what senior school did to my DD. All schools, private and state, care about is results, and not the kids providing them. My daughter was being pushed to the most prestigious unis (not just in the UK) and is far happier after going somewhere much less pressured.

Just because they can, doesnt mean they will or indeed, that they should.

My point is, having a gifted child isn't rare enough to expect people to have questions for you.

I think it would do you and your child a favour to try to get them into a grammar so he is around hundreds of other children like him.

What does AMA mean? I wasent aware the term gifted was still in use . At my son’s school it would classed as working at greater depth for data purposes. My boy has autism , he is currently working around 3 years ahead educationally and 2 years behind emotionally and socially . In his last year of primary (this year) hardly no emphasis has been put on the academic side we have totally concentrated on the emotional and social side as this is what effects him most

I never thought of it like that until now. I always just thought gifted was another word to describe being clever. But yes, the idea that intelligence is a gift, like a present that some people get and others don't is quite a sobering thought.

AMA stands for ask me anything. It's just a place on mumsnet where people offer to answer questions about their specific circumstances that they think people will find interesting. Bit like the "Stacey Dooley sleeps over" programme on TV.

My son has autism and he is ahead in some things and behind in others. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if his abilities were more even.

I’m sorry OP, it’s such a hard journey for you as a parent and for your son trying to navigate a world that isn’t structured to ensure he thrives. Three questions:

1. Do you worry that having “a giant brain” is really no longer an advantage in this day and age, when careers are more likely to be about social and practical skills not “nerdy skills”?

My db has been bemoaning how his chosen career in mathematical computing is being hollowed out by AI. My db is probably what you would now called gifted and has autism. My mum worked very hard in the late 70s and 80s to get him opportunities to participate like “a normal boy” - his preschool tried to kick him out but my mum said “he isn’t here to learn the three Rs, we all know he can do that - he’s here to learn how to play.” My db thrived because in those days schools had no curriculum and so he was able to just do what he pleased. He spent about half his time out of school and no one commented. He did best having some time to play with friends and some breaks from school.

Qu 2 how do you think your dd fares growing up in a house with a db with autistic traits and high intelligence?

I remember being so aware of my db’s brilliance and not even a bit surprised when he got into Oxford University - first in our family to go to uni, and he goes to Oxbridge. I didn’t mind but it was a bit galling since I know he didn’t have to try.

I will always remember my db trying to teach me how to do the Sunday Times cryptic crossword when I was about 10 and he was so disappointed and confused why I couldn’t do it yet. And another year I remember him designing a game he called “3D chess” and he was very excited when it turned out I could play that. My mum always stepped in to make sure we went outside to play cricket.

3.do you have “high hopes” for your DC’s future?

My db is funny and brilliant but he still has limited social skills. I am also ND and I would say moderately “gifted” but my gifts are soft skills in music, emotional intelligence and creative areas. On the whole - I have been luckier than him because my skills translate better to adult life where communication and relationships are so important.

I don’t envy any child growing up with autism and the kind of gifts you describe. It’s not the golden ticket you think it is

I think you’re getting a really hard time OP! I know a gifted 10 year old boy, so know like you’ve been gracious to point out that it’s not easy. I know you’re not boasting- it’s simply who he is and part of him. Giftedness is fairly obvious- it was in my experience with this boy and certainly means a harder path for parents and school to appropriately support his learning. Similarly the autism provides additional challenges. Does he play any musical instruments?

I have no questions.

I think this is one of the best arguments for selective schools at a wide range of levels.

If you are 1sd above or below average, you learn in an environment that goes at your pace and level.

If you are 2, 3 sd above we don’t exceptionalise you with labels in school, you just go and find your peers where you are normal.

(for symmetry: 2 sd below, same idea. 3 sd below is 55 which I think does need something a bit different as it so often co-occurs with other issues).

OhLaDiDaDiDa Your mum sounds an incredible lady

in theory a gifted child sounds exactly that - a gift. As I age I see it totally differently. I have musically gifted friends and my daughter has two gifted friends. The key to happiness I firmly believe is being boringly average

OP - could you ignore his gifts for now and just let him be?

How do you know? Which tests has he done?

Ours are WISC tested and by that "gifted" having a high IQ but it says very little about all academic subjects.

The key is to praise effort rather than telling them they are the ‘clever one’. Also treat mistakes as valuable learning experiences or setbacks rather than massive failures or disappointments.

DC1 was identified as gifted in y7 and is now leading a very happy life with lots of fries and hobbies and working as a theoretical physicist.

People are so odd. Im a teacher and it is very rare that I could plonk a p3 child into a p7 class and have them understand all the lessons! Some might have learned their times tables off by heart by p2 and be able to hold their own with a p7 who hadn't yet but in terms of the not by rote processes in the subject in general, no they couldn't. And yes, it is useful to parents to understand that their child is not working at the expected level, whether that's above or below because it allows them to support where the school cannot. I've raised the issue with p.e as well as academics with parents. Im thinking of 2 specific examples. One wee girl went to dance classes which massively improved her balance and coordination over time and one girl who ended up excelling in our youth/young adult basketball team. I doubt she'll go on to be a professional basketball player as her future career but it gave her a useful outlet for her talents which I was unable to provide for her in a class of 33, where many were still learning to throw and catch a ball with any reliable accuracy.

These threads turn into the 90s where you were a "swot" if you did well in school and people were delighted to mock them if they ever didn't do so well as if it proved the 'swot' wasnt as smart as they thought they were. Mean times.

This was meant to be a reply to @EmeraldRouletterregarding her comments on how being told she was gifted gave her many mental and health and other problems.

I have two children on the gifted scale. One is ND and one isn't. Neither of them know this (although I suspect they've figured it out themselves!). We deliberately didn't tell them because we didn't want to pressure them and just want to encourage a love of learning.

The one who is ND is hyper focused on Maths and computing, and is effectively treading water until he can go to Uni. The other is gifted across the board, so not sure where she'll end up. At the moment she's talking about being an Astro physicist. It would not in the least surprise me if she did.

What is interesting is that when my ND child gets bored he'll go off and look for ways at deepening his knowledge in his favourite subjects (maths and coding) whereas my other child is constantly looking for new ways to broaden her knowledge. She has more intellectual curiosity. At the moment she's been teaching herself Japanese online for the last 8 months. They are both very self directed in their learning and can find out information to deepen their understanding independently. I think university will probably suit them much better as a learning style but we need to get there first.

One is at private school and the other is waiting to go. We have had significant challenges with state primary for both. My ND son acted out very much like the OPs son. My daughter is just really bored. We skipped year 6 for him and home educated and will do the same for her. Now he's in private secondary he's got teachers who can challenge him and a wonderful maths teacher who is constantly challenged in setting him new tasks! They get on like a house on fire. Plus he loves the social side and has a lovely group of friends.

What I find really lovely is how the kids get on. Because they're both really bright they can keep up with each other but bring different things to the party. They have some great conversations and can really challenge each other intellectually.

I'd say the biggest challenge so far has been letting go of the traditional education path approach and looking at tailoring their learning more to their needs. If I had my time again I probably would have home schooled up to secondary for my son. But you can't know until you get there.

Good luck @mumof2andimtired sounds like your on the right track trying to find a more tailored solution for him.

I think it is important to think about what is meant by educational needs in relation to each child.
OP says the school could not meet his educational needs , but what are they? .... to acquire more and more facts? .... to do this speedily?
I have to ask to what end? What is the aim? More facts to what purpose in his life in the long term?
This boy is clearly more than capable of acquiring facts and skills by himself .... what do you want the education system to give him? How do you see him as an adult and what do you want education to provide him with so that he can be happy ling term?
I strongly suspect that the assumed causal connection between the meltdowns and boredom because of his high intelligence may be entirely wrong and that in fact they are are product of his autism.... that the social demands of a school setting are too much for him.

So .... what are his particular educational needs? .... not intellectual for sure but social skills ... tolerance, cooperation, how to have fun etc. He does not need "stretching", to use that grim term when applied to a child.

I am not anti home education .... I think it can be highly valuable for some children, especially if it incorporates mixing with other children in HE because it often involves smaller more manageable numbers.

For a child whose prime educational need is social rather than fact acquisition it needs to be handled with care.

I have seen so many young people whose "giftedness" has become the parental focus and who are depressed and anxious teenagers and uni students because they are well equipped for fact acquisition but not for real life.

A child is not special because they are gifted. They are quite simply a child and like all others gave an assortment of characteristics of which high intelligence just happens to be one. The other characteristics/talents/deficits are equally important.

He sounds a little like my nephew who got as far as uni (maths) and lasted six weeks. Just couldn’t cope with the social and organisational side. Sadly at 23 he is at home, still job hunting, no friends and is really quite depressed.
I hope it turns out better for your son.

I am sorry to hear about your nephew.This is exactly my experience with many young people in this situation - and why I am trying to gently introduce a different view of what educational needs are.

Any highly intelligent - perhaps "gifted" - young person will be able to get a string of good exam results - give them the curriculum and they can do it themselves via their own research.

Their educational needs and aims are not about the acquisition of knowledge.

I was pushed on and went to uni too young. It was a difficult experience - I was too immature and lacking the skills to deal with the whole big social scene and I found it very hard. But the important thing to say is that it profited me nothing in the long run. As life went on no-one was even passingly interested that I had done this or that I had intellectual skills - they wanted to know how I fitted into a work setting, whether I was easy-going and kind, whether I did a good job, whether I knew how to have fun outside of work.

For some young people these are their educational needs, not the facts and figures.

School (and good connected home ed) gives children so much more than facts and intellectual stimulation. In a good school they will be learning to cooperate with others in sports teams, musical groups, joint projects, drama productions, charity events etc. etc. These are the skills a young person needs when they get to college or uni or work or an apprenticeship.

The career of Holly Mathieson, the conductor turned software designer is an interesting example of this.

I think from OP's posts it was more about his autism. There's lots of highly intelligent kids who are very bored and not stretched at school - OP says he was having full on meltdowns from the boredom though, which I suspect is from his autism

There's lots of highly intelligent kids who are very bored and not stretched at school

Stretched - god how I hate that word in relation to young human beings! School is not there to stretch them - it is there to help them become happy rounded adult human beings.