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Original poster

I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

1000 replies

dontquestion · 14/02/2026 18:07

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

OP posts:
EasternStandard · 15/02/2026 13:17

moderate · 15/02/2026 13:13

And if he claimed to be a woman, would that also be “his call not yours”.

At some point we will all have to learn again that words have meanings for a reason.

Show quote history

Why do you have such an issue with the man identifying as gay?

HigherandHigher · 15/02/2026 13:17

SpryLilacSnake · 15/02/2026 13:15

Not a question but if I found out my parents were gay it would be a bit of a 'no way!' kinda moment but it wouldn't affect my worldview or mess me up in anyway. For all I know they are avid swingers or enjoy orgies every weekend. If anything I'd probably be pleased they are less boring than I previously thought!!

I don't think you actually 'get' how you might feel.

Your parents, who should have brought you up to appreciate honesty in your dealings with other people , set the example of living a complete lie. Out of cowardice or whatever.

SpryLilacSnake · 15/02/2026 13:17

localnotail · 15/02/2026 13:14

I think it sounds like OP did not have any other options apart from this man - living with him, being very close, coming to UK with him, having children. It would not happen if she had other options, also, I would think it would not happen if both parties were equally attractive/ desirable to potential partners. As her partner seem to set the scene, I would imagine he is the main driver in this, not her.

There is probably issues with insecurity, self worth and trust issues OP has... in any case, its a very unusual set up, and all we know is what OP is telling us - and she could be a totally unreliable narrator, for all we know. But even with her rose-tinted specs, it sounds very questionable:

  • they both lie to their children and to everyone they know, pretending they are a straight "normal" couple - I would imagine moving countries was one of the reasons for that. I cant understand why its necessary unless their past history warrants that somehow
  • they dont have sex in a normal sense of the way, it sounds like its purely mechanical and soulless - I have no idea why anyone would want to engage in it - but I suspect their sex consists of OP's partner making her pleasure him and then he "pays back"
  • OP says they both had partners outside of marriage - however, with 4 kids its highly unlikely for both of them, so again, I would think the man goes to do whatever he wants, and OP waits for him at home and looks after children
  • The partner says he will leave after kids are grown - like, the fuck? So OP will be discarded like a used utensil, having lived a life with no affection and no proper sex?
None of this sounds good, all sounds desperately sad and paints a picture of a highly sexed, attractive male using a meek, insecure woman for his own gains... And her trying to make it sounds like its all lovely and nice.

The OP has been very clear that he was the best option that she's met at the time or since then and that she's very happy with him. Your point that they clearly didn't have any better options is nothing groundbreaking.

Same here to be honest, my husband is the best man I've ever met. It's not groundbreaking to tell me I didn't have any better options. Like - I know, that's why I chose him. Obviously.

SpryLilacSnake · 15/02/2026 13:21

HigherandHigher · 15/02/2026 13:17

I don't think you actually 'get' how you might feel.

Your parents, who should have brought you up to appreciate honesty in your dealings with other people , set the example of living a complete lie. Out of cowardice or whatever.

Show quote history

Yeah maybe I just don't realise how much it would affect me. I just can't imagine being bothered by it. Maybe their marriage is in fact a lavender one - who knows! As long as they are happy then I'm not bothered really.

localnotail · 15/02/2026 13:22

SpryLilacSnake · 15/02/2026 13:17

The OP has been very clear that he was the best option that she's met at the time or since then and that she's very happy with him. Your point that they clearly didn't have any better options is nothing groundbreaking.

Same here to be honest, my husband is the best man I've ever met. It's not groundbreaking to tell me I didn't have any better options. Like - I know, that's why I chose him. Obviously.

Show quote history

But the thing is, this guy is not "the best man" in any shape or form, and OP was still vey young at the time - why settle for this?

SpryLilacSnake · 15/02/2026 13:25

localnotail · 15/02/2026 13:22

But the thing is, this guy is not "the best man" in any shape or form, and OP was still vey young at the time - why settle for this?

Show quote history

Ok but the OP thinks he is so surely that's all that matters?

bigboykitty · 15/02/2026 13:26

Such a load of judgy old crap on this thread!

moderate · 15/02/2026 13:28

HigherandHigher · 15/02/2026 13:14

You're going back to 'what they did in the bedroom'.

Being gay or lesbian or bi is not about sexual activity in the bedroom.
It's their DNA- who they are, how they think, how they live their lives. It goes far far deeper than who puts what where (pun intended.)

The point is that the poster and her H are living a lie.
They are lying to their children.

They are also planning to divorce when the youngest is 18.

I suggest they start saving for therapy for their kids.

It's the pretence, pretending to be one thing while doing another.

Show quote history

Jesus you’re obtuse.

I have no idea the extent to which my parents were wholly heterosexual, but if I found out they weren’t, it wouldn’t change a thing about my relationship with them, because who they were sexually attracted to had no impact on the way they related to their children.

To be honest I find it a bit weird that you and your parents apparently felt otherwise.

Xnz2022 · 15/02/2026 13:28

The idea that a gay man couldn't get errect with a woman is just wrong.

Guys are very physical and can respond to purely physical stimulation (mixed in with a bit of imagination. Give them a mechanical hole that moves and most will be able to get off despite no physical attraction to the machine...

What do you think all those gay men who were married and hid their sexuality did for 30+ year marriages? Sure they may avoid sex and vaginal sex especially.. but a lot of the time it would have been focusing on physical stimulation while imagining guys in their mind...

Similarly I would 100 wager that if you took a 100% straight man.. blindfold him, and have someone start to perform oral sex on him.. he would get hard. He doesn't know if it is a man or Woman, but the physical feel is enough to trigger the required processes.

BeaRightThere · 15/02/2026 13:28

localnotail · 15/02/2026 13:14

I think it sounds like OP did not have any other options apart from this man - living with him, being very close, coming to UK with him, having children. It would not happen if she had other options, also, I would think it would not happen if both parties were equally attractive/ desirable to potential partners. As her partner seem to set the scene, I would imagine he is the main driver in this, not her.

There is probably issues with insecurity, self worth and trust issues OP has... in any case, its a very unusual set up, and all we know is what OP is telling us - and she could be a totally unreliable narrator, for all we know. But even with her rose-tinted specs, it sounds very questionable:

  • they both lie to their children and to everyone they know, pretending they are a straight "normal" couple - I would imagine moving countries was one of the reasons for that. I cant understand why its necessary unless their past history warrants that somehow
  • they dont have sex in a normal sense of the way, it sounds like its purely mechanical and soulless - I have no idea why anyone would want to engage in it - but I suspect their sex consists of OP's partner making her pleasure him and then he "pays back"
  • OP says they both had partners outside of marriage - however, with 4 kids its highly unlikely for both of them, so again, I would think the man goes to do whatever he wants, and OP waits for him at home and looks after children
  • The partner says he will leave after kids are grown - like, the fuck? So OP will be discarded like a used utensil, having lived a life with no affection and no proper sex?
None of this sounds good, all sounds desperately sad and paints a picture of a highly sexed, attractive male using a meek, insecure woman for his own gains... And her trying to make it sounds like its all lovely and nice.

You've projected a lot of your own feelings towards men onto this situation

The husband has not said he will leave once the youngest child turns eighteen. They have mutually agreed that they will stay together until at least that point. They haven't actually put an end date on their arrangement. He may or may not leave, she is also free to leave.

Nothing about their arrangement suggests he is oversexed. Rather he forces himself to occasionally have sex with someone he's not attracted to and apparently has not had sex with another man in some time. He no doubt could have as much sex as he wanted with men.

moderate · 15/02/2026 13:29

EasternStandard · 15/02/2026 13:17

Why do you have such an issue with the man identifying as gay?

Show quote history

You didn’t answer the question, and we all know why.

EasternStandard · 15/02/2026 13:30

moderate · 15/02/2026 13:29

You didn’t answer the question, and we all know why.

Show quote history

Which question?

THEDEACON · 15/02/2026 13:30

If you were in a lavender marriage youd be living like sinlings and definitely wouldnt be having sex for fun Your husband is clearly bi

moderate · 15/02/2026 13:31

EasternStandard · 15/02/2026 13:30

Which question?

Show quote history

“And if he claimed to be a woman, would that also be “his call not yours”.”

Tacohill · 15/02/2026 13:35

localnotail · 15/02/2026 13:22

But the thing is, this guy is not "the best man" in any shape or form, and OP was still vey young at the time - why settle for this?

Show quote history

Exactly!

Its different if she was approaching 50 and desperate for kids and couldn’t get anyone else.

But to be in her 20s and settle for an open marriage and be in a relationship with someone who openly admits will never find her attractive or want to be monogamous with her is so sad.

Him being bi-sexual is such a red herring.

If this was a woman saying that she allows her DH to have sex with other woman because he doesn’t find her attractive enough to be monogamous - we’d all be telling her to find her self respect and find a man who actually wants to be with her.

You can be a good dad without needing to be in a relationship with the mum.
Why can’t OP have the kids with this man but now be in a relationship with someone who wants to be intimate and see her as person instead of just a womb.

Mistybluebay · 15/02/2026 13:37

You say sex for you both is nothing but touch & sexual relief. My question is are you secretly or subconsciously, albeit unusually turned on by him as a gay man & the fact he has professed to being gay yet he is choosing to have sex with you as a woman.

localnotail · 15/02/2026 13:38

BeaRightThere · 15/02/2026 13:28

You've projected a lot of your own feelings towards men onto this situation

The husband has not said he will leave once the youngest child turns eighteen. They have mutually agreed that they will stay together until at least that point. They haven't actually put an end date on their arrangement. He may or may not leave, she is also free to leave.

Nothing about their arrangement suggests he is oversexed. Rather he forces himself to occasionally have sex with someone he's not attracted to and apparently has not had sex with another man in some time. He no doubt could have as much sex as he wanted with men.

Show quote history

Well, to me, to have mechanical sex with someone you dont find physically attractive just to get a release suggest someone who can't go long time without sex, and has a high sex drive.

SergeantWrinkles · 15/02/2026 13:39

Yeah. He’s bi. If he can have sex with you ‘for fun’, because he genuinely wants to, and you’re not coercing him, then he’s bisexual. Not gay. And therefore it’s not a lavender marriage. He’s bisexual and you’re in an open marriage.

SergeantWrinkles · 15/02/2026 13:41

I’m also struggling to see why you’d accept such paltry crumbs from a relationship that benefits him far more than you.

BeaRightThere · 15/02/2026 13:42

Mistybluebay · 15/02/2026 13:37

You say sex for you both is nothing but touch & sexual relief. My question is are you secretly or subconsciously, albeit unusually turned on by him as a gay man & the fact he has professed to being gay yet he is choosing to have sex with you as a woman.

Edited

This is my suspicion.

Mummy3Plus1 · 15/02/2026 13:44

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 12:44

They will find out their father is Bi, that is what he wanted.

Considering their parents have had a long and happy marriage and conceived them all naturally they have no reason to ever question that. We’ve never actively lied to them, they’ve never asked about our sex lives with each other or with other people, they’re children.

I think a lot of parents pretend to love each other and be happy for the children but that is not what we are doing.

Show quote history

You're being quite judgemental towards other marriages when your plan openly is to lie to your children (saying you want them to think he is bi). Why do you think this is demonstrating honesty to your children? A family isn't just about procreating, but when you do, imo part of raising children is showing them what they deserve from their future partner. If you are honest with them one day they will know their parents marriage is a sham. You've said you're not 'in love' so how are you showing them what a healthy, loving relationship should be? I have experienced what happens when children find out elements of their story has been a lie and it never goes well.

BeaRightThere · 15/02/2026 13:44

localnotail · 15/02/2026 13:38

Well, to me, to have mechanical sex with someone you dont find physically attractive just to get a release suggest someone who can't go long time without sex, and has a high sex drive.

Show quote history

She says they only have sex infrequently and that it requires a lot of effort. He is a gay man (allegedly). He could have all the sex he wants as often as he wants with just a couple of taps on a phone.

Tacohill · 15/02/2026 13:47

OP genuine Q

  • why did you not get together and have kids and then separate?
Or just use him as a sperm donor?

Why do you have to be in a fake relationship for 18+ years?

Why does your happiness always come after your kids and your husbands?

You can both be good parents without needing to be in a fake relationship.

localnotail · 15/02/2026 13:48

BeaRightThere · 15/02/2026 13:44

She says they only have sex infrequently and that it requires a lot of effort. He is a gay man (allegedly). He could have all the sex he wants as often as he wants with just a couple of taps on a phone.

Show quote history

Well then we are back to questioning whether he is 100% single sex attracted - if he could do that but choses to get OP to wank him off.

HIVpos · 15/02/2026 13:49

SergeantWrinkles · 15/02/2026 13:41

I’m also struggling to see why you’d accept such paltry crumbs from a relationship that benefits him far more than you.

Where are you seeing that? Reading the OP’s post I see a relationship that equally benefits both of them.

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